Loosing My Survivor Touchstone . . .

It has taken me over a month to find the strength to write this post. But I felt it important to share this with all of you. If you are a cancer survivor then you are probably all too familiar with survivor's guilt. You are also familiar with touchstone's I would guess. Well, I recently lost one of my close survivor touchstones and at the same time feeling lots of survivor's guilt. Then there is also tons of fear in the mix.

When I was diagnosed 10 years ago at the tender age of 31 there wasn't anyone I knew who had been through it. Well, except one person. It was my cousin who had been through it 2 years earlier. She was also in her early 30's with 2 kids at the time. The day I got the news she was one of the first calls I made. It meant so much to talk to someone who was family, and close to my age who had survived a mastectomy and grueling chemo that I was facing. Neither one of us ever thought about breast cancer. You see we don't have a history in our family on either side (our mother's are sisters).

We each handled the emotions differently but had similar treatments. I in NY was treated at Sloan-Kettering, and she in Houston was treated at MD Anderson both top cancer hospitals. She took tamoxifen and I opted not too. I have not had genetic testing and her results were negative. We both changed our diets and questioned environmental causes. I felt a bond with her as family but also as a fellow survivor. I always looked up to her growing up, she was 4 years older than me, so beautiful and kind.

I got a phone call from my mom a week before July 4th letting me know she was in the hospital. And it was bad. I was shocked. You see, I had no idea that her cancer came back 5 years ago. Nobody told me because my cousin didn't want me to worry. Still looking out for me as she did for everyone in her life. She passed away on July 5th. As I write these words I still feel such disbelief. My cousin did everything her doctors told her, even took tamoxifen, went for all her followup tests, made it 8 years before it came back. Here I am alive, healthy, and a 10 year survivor. I cannot help but feel guilty about that and yet at the same time fear for my own life. This feeling surfaced its ugly face when my dad passed from cancer 3 years ago and my sister-in-law passed 6 years ago also from cancer but is much stronger now because it much stronger now.

Next week I go for my annual mammogram and I cannot put into words the fear I am feeling. I know that it is partly from my cousin's death. She was a survivor touchstone for me. I am beginning to think that there has to be some big book up there with all of our arrival and exit dates etched in it somehow. I have to believe there is something more or I don't think I can keep moving forward and let go of the fear . . .

And The Winner Is . . .

I just want to say thanks to all of you who entered the giveaway! I enjoyed reading your lovely comments!

After throwing all of the names in a bowl ( I like the old school method!) the winner is . . .

RACHEL !!!!

Congrats Rachel !!

Hope you enjoy the book!!

Sheryl Crow's Cookbook Review and Giveaway!!!

As most of you who have been following my blog know I am a big believer in the mind body connection. I also feel that the food I put into my body can help me stay healthier. Now granted I didn't come to this knowledge until after my breast cancer treatment but better late than never is what I say!

Before my cancer diagnosis 10 years ago I never drank water, never ate veggies, and rarely ate fruit. I lived on diet soda filled with chemicals, prepared foods found in boxes and canned soups. Since then I have traded diet soda for water sometimes with a squeeze of lemon, eat fresh fruits and veggies and occasionally use a juicer. Don't get me wrong, I still do need my pizza and ice cream but try to keep that in moderation.

I was already interested in Sheryl Crow's new cookbook when I was contacted by her publisher to review her new cookbook. I have enjoyed Sheryl Crow's music for years and was inspired by her as a fellow breast cancer survivor. I was already interested in her new cookbook when I was recently contacted by her publisher to do a book review. As I have made significant changes to my own nutrition in my life as a cancer survivor I was curious to see what I could learn.

In the book Sheryl shares recipes created by her personal chef Chuck White. It is broken down into recipes for the seasons which was refreshing to see. I don't know about you but my apetite certainly changes from winter to summer. The book includes tons of recipes including appetizers, soups, snacks, main dishes, and some yummy desserts like the vegan chocolate-mint brownies and watermelon margaritas I am dying to try! It also encourages organic, local ingredients whenever possible which I think is important as well.

If you want to win a copy of Sheryl's new cookbook all you have to do is leave a comment below! That is it! I will be announcing the winner on Wednesday June 1st! Good luck!

PS . . . Feel free to share this blog post if you know any peeps that would be interested in the giveaway! :)

Book Giveaway!!

I am happy to announce today that I am giving away a signed copy of my memoir Breastless in the City to one lucky reader! In the book I share my experience as a young widow dating through breast cancer treatment. You can read an excerpt via the link at the top of the side bar. This giveaway is in appreciation for everyone who has been on this blogging journey with me here at In My Life. This giveaway is long overdue!

To enter the giveaway is simple. All you have to do is leave a comment (and you don't have to be a blogger). If you would like your name entered more than once become a follower (make sure to tell me). And to enter your name a third time mention this giveaway on your blog (tell me this as well). I will be drawing the name on Tuesday December 7!

Good Luck!!

Good News And A Pain In The Boob . . .

So as an update to my last post on scanxiety, my mammo thankfully came back normal once again! Always such a relief. I don't have to go back to see the surgeon till next year and I am off the hook with breast MRI which I am happy about as well. So it was all good news.

Now on to the pain in my boob. Unfortunately I had a bad mammo tech for the first time in 9 years. I am certainly no stranger to mammo's. I have lost count as to how many I have had done over the past decade. What I am sure of is that I have never had pain during one. It is uncomfortable, yes, but painful, no, not for me. Until the other day . . .

I saw my doc first and then hung out for what seems like an eternity in the always fashionable hospital gown. When I was called in by the mammo tech and she proceeded to set me up in the machine I had no idea the pain that was about to ensue. When she clamped that sucker down apparently as compressed as it would go I felt nothing but extreme pain. Then I felt tears well up in my eyes. I was scared and felt as if I would pass out. I literally could not imagine what the hell she was doing that was causing me so much pain. It took my breath away. Not only was the compression excessive but the length of time for the compression seemed much longer. I felt as if all the color drained from my face. She had to sit me down. I assured her that I had never had pain like that before. She spoke to me as if I was a newbie and assured me that I was not the only one to ever have this kind of reaction. Well, let me say that if she has alot of patients ready to pass out then she is doing something wrong!

When it was finally over she assured me that I would now be able to relax out in the waiting room. I sternly let her know that I could not relax until I got the results. As I walked out of the room I turned as I heard her say "I got a really good picture though. . ." Hmmmm...."Goody for you" I thought to myself.

I have to say it was traumatizing. I never feared a mammo because it was not painful . . . that is until now. I hope that next time I have someone who knows what they are doing. The next day I got in touch with my doctor to let her know of my bad experience with the mammo technician. I can only hope it is followed up on as I would hate to see my experience happen to someone else.

Have you ever had a bad experience as a patient and been vocal about it? What happened? How did you feel speaking up about it?

Sex and the City 2 . . . Breast Cancer Survivors And Hormone Therapy? I Think Not!

I am a HUGE fan of Sex and the City (SATC). So huge that the show was the inspiration for the title of my memoir Breastless in the City. I was pleased to see that the show addressed breast cancer through Samantha's character during Season 6. As a young single woman going through it myself I thought they handled the topic well and portrayed a realistic view of issues such as hair loss and chemo induced menopause. I applauded them at the time.

Having said that I feel that they have let down breast cancer survivors, myself included, with Samantha's menopause storyline in SATC 2. First let me say that I understand it is just a movie and should be fun BUT since they already addressed breast cancer in a show storyline I was disappointed that Hello! there was no mention of it in this movie. It was as if she had never had cancer. Samantha already went through menopause during her chemo and now she is going through it as a 52 year old woman like it was the first time. Every breast cancer survivor knows that hormone therapy is a no no. Most breast cancers are fed by estrogen mine included and that is why hormones are never recommended for us because it can increase the risk of breast cancer.

I wondered what the writers were thinking having Samantha slap on estrogen, other types of hormone creams, and patches to battle menopause symptoms. She became a walking advertisement for Suzanne Somers' book on bioidentical hormone therapy. Not to mention that they could have at least addressed the life after cancer that so many of us deal with. It was as though Samantha's life never changed. There were no checkups, scans, or emotional struggles related to her cancer experience. I really think that the writers missed an opportunity to bring to light the issues so many women with breast cancer face after the treatment is over.

I am only 40 years old but thanks to my chemo 9 years ago I have been in menopause for the past 2 years. Hot flashes galore, night sweats, crazy mood swings, and dare I admit it low libido. I deal with it. Some days not well but I deal none the less. Even on my most hot flashy days you will never see me slapping on hormone creams. . .

Did you see SATC 2? What are your thoughts on the movie? If you are a bc survivor what do you think of the Samantha and menopause storyline?

Avoiding Breast Cancer With Lifestyle Choices . . Is It Really That Simple?

A new study was recently released about decreasing the incidence of breast cancer with changes in lifestyle specifically exercise and diet. If women lost weight and just exercised more they could decrease their chances of getting breast cancer. It cites that "25-30 percent of breast cancers could be avoided if women were thinner and exercised more. . . " Fat cells excrete estrogen so I do understand that aspect of it as most breast cancers including mine are estrogen fed. Now while I understand the reasoning I cannot help but wonder. . . Is it that simple? Before my diagnosis I was exercising and I was not overweight. So apparently those two things did not help me avoid a diagnosis. I also was not a smoker nor did I drink which are other lifestyle choices that can increase risk. So where was my benefit?

I think about my grandma who ate whatever she wanted in moderation and lived to be 85 staying out of the hospital and away from doctors until the last year of her life. I think about how when she bought her meat it was not laden with antibiotics and her produce was not drenched in pesticides. That was during a time when cancer incidence was much lower than it is today.

Something I found particularly interesting in the article was this statement regarding genetics and cancer. . . "The genes have been there for thousands of years but if cancer rates are changing within a lifetime that doesn't have much to do with genes." The majority of breast cancer diagnosis' are in women with no family history myself included. I think that what also needs to be explored is the environmental causes I noted above as well as emotional stress and its toll on the body. I am glad to hear there is much needed discussion as to the causes of breast cancer I would just like to see it have a wider view.

I don't know about you but I sure would have like to have "avoided" my cancer diagnosis.

Check out "Up to a third of breast cancers could be avoided" by Maria Cheng

What did you think of this story? Do you think that lifestyle factors can increase risk of cancer? When stories like this come out does it make you want to blame yourself for your disease?

Boobie Bracelets. . . Are They Offensive?

I have referred to my breast's as "boob's" for years never thinking anything of it.  In my book Breastless in the City I used that word quite often.  For me it is just a way to lighten up things when talking about breast cancer.  I certainly didn't think it was an offensive term.  Apparently to some it is.  

Have you heard about the awareness bracelets that recently made the news and the school that banned them?  Keep A Breast is a non profit raising awareness about breast cancer and they are selling bracelets that say "I love boobies".  There is a middle school in Santa Clara, CA where some of the students are wearing these bracelets.  It is causing quite the ruckus.  The school administrators have banned wearing the bracelets even though they admit to being in support of the cause.  The female students were getting harrassed by the boys over the bracelets.  

Middle school is such a young age and I wonder  whether or not they even get the point of the bracelets or just find it humorous especially since the wording on the bracelets is poking humor at the issue.  Apparently the female students were getting harrassed by the boys over the bracelets.  Personally I am not offended by the bracelets.  I am not sure though if it warranted banning students from wearing them.  

Read the story here.

What do you think?  Did you hear about this story?  Do you think the bracelets should have been banned?  Do you find them offensive? 

Soy. . . Does It Make A Body Good??

After my treatment for breast cancer I began to really look at what I was eating.  And in the process made significant changes to my diet.  In my quest for healthier foods I became interested in soy.  I had never eaten soy before, no edamame or tofu, but I was willing to try.  I had always heard that soy was good for women.  Women I knew were drinking soy milk and eating Luna bars.  The only soy I had ingested at that point was the type included in processed foods which I suppose is not the good kind.  Everything in a fresh state is best.  

What I became concerned about was hearing that women with breast cancer should avoid soy.  Reason being that soy, a plant, when it is ingested gets processed as a form of estrogen.  For women with estrogen receptor positive tumors this would not be a good thing.  Or so I was told by my doctors.  I am one of those ER positive women.  So I began running from soy.  Reading labels like a lunatic and becoming afraid to ingest any food or dietary supplements that included soy as an ingredient.  

That was 8 years ago.  Since then the verdict on soy and breast cancer has been mixed.  I found a recent article revealing the results of a study about soy.  It says that soy is safe for breast cancer survivors and may even reduce mortality rates.   However, in the medical community there is still debate about the topic.  One MD says that he feels soy as part of a balanced diet is safe however he would not go so far as to say it will reduce mortality rates in women with breast cancer.  Read the article here.

I am a big believer in moderation.  Over the years I have stopped running in fear of soy.  I was glad to hear this news although you never know what the next verdict will be...

As a breast cancer survivor do you include soy as a part of  your diet?  Did you ever fear soy after your treatment?  How do you maintain a balance in your diet?

The Impatient Patient

One would think that after 8 years I would have built up a stronger wall. But once I am in that orange striped gown open to the front I am instantly a half naked fearful patient. As scared as I am though I have much less patience for stupidity.

Yesterday I had my annual checkup with my oncologist. I have passed the 5 year mark which means that I only have mammo's each year but no more bloodwork. So it should have been an easy appointment. Then again, what about cancer is ever easy.

As I paced back and forth waiting for the doc I was startled when someone new walked through the door. She introduced herself as a Fellow and looked as if she were in her early 30's. She informed me that my doctor would be in soon. Hoping she didn't see me roll my eyes I thought about how I was not in the mood to be a lab rat again. I suppose that is par for the course when you go to a teaching hospital, a major cancer center. Still I would have appreciated more preparedness on her part. One of her first questions was about why I decided to not take Tamoxifen. All I thought was "here we go..." As I explained my reasons while she stood there debating them I wanted to ask her why this was even coming up now as I had this discussion 7 years ago with my doctor. She continued on asking tons of questions like what kind of surgery I had...all of which she could have found out had she thoroughly reviewed my chart.

As my patience began to wane I was quite startled at what came next. She stepped in front of me and opened my gown to do a breast exam. As soon as she saw my boobs her eyes bugged out and her mouth LITERALLY dropped open in amazement. At that moment I as a person ceased to exist. All that she was interested in was me from the neck down. It went something like this...

"OMG....that is amazing. Did you have a TRAM flap?" she said while still staring at my boobs with wide doe eyes.

"Yes" I replied wondering why she didn't read that in my chart.

"Wow! That is the best one I have seen....unbelieveable! Who did your surgery?"

When I told her who did it all I could think about was how bad I felt. I thought about how when I looked in the mirror I did not think it looked amazing. When I look in the mirror I am reminded of what I lost. I am reminded of how lopsided I look and how I can no longer feel anything on that side. Which lead to her next question...

"What does it feel like?" she asked with her eyes finally glancing up to meet mine.

"It feels numb all over." I said as I began to feel like something that should be working a side show.

What she didn't realize was how quickly she separated me into parts. It felt as though she was more interested in my reconstructed boob and not in the person it was attached to. Her bug eyed reaction to my boobs will be on my long list of inappropriate responses by medical staff. It made me feel uncomfortable. I only wish I had the guts to tell her so. She may have gotten all A's in med school but I would score her bedside manner a big fat F.

Has a doctor ever made you feel uncomfortable either through words or actions? How did you handle it? Have you ever been an impatient patient? Ever disagreed with your doc? How did he/she react?

Boobbook. . . I Thought It Was Facebook??

I have to say I was unaware that women are joining Facebook to show off their boobs and men are only on there to check them out.   This  according to actor Kevin Connolly is the reason Facebook should just be called Boobbook.  I thought I was on there to meet up with friends and network.  But alas I was wrong.  

 Celebrities like Jack Black and Kevin Connolly are starring in ads to raise breast cancer awareness as part of the Men For Women Now Campaign.  If you haven't seen these ads head over there and check them out.  In one ad Jack Black is shoving his man boob into a mammo machine to show just how "easy" it is.  In another ad Kevin Connolly is asking  men to save some boobs cause "who doesn't love boobs right?"

  

Who cares about saving the woman lets just save some boobs cause that is the only part of a woman that matters right?  Maybe I am just sensitive about this subject but I am disappointed that some people feel that the only way to get men on the bandwagon to support women with breast cancer is to promote saving the body part in trouble vs the woman.  Women are more than their breasts.  To  face losing one is such a hit to your self-esteem and sexuality.  But it just seems to go along with how women have been exploited by men for many years.  

I like to believe that men are better than that and smarter.  I look forward to the day a campaign to raise breast cancer awareness led by men does not involve talking about just saving the boobs!

Have you seen these ads?  What do you think?  Do you think there is a better way to get the message across to men without exploiting women's breasts?  Are you sensitive to these types of ads?

So This Is What It's Come To?? How Far Would You Go For Health Insurance??

Have you all heard this story about the husband who joined the army for 4 years to get health insurance for his wife who has ovarian cancer?  It makes me feel sad that he had to go to those lengths just for insurance coverage.  Now he will have to be away from his family for years while his wife is going through treatment for such a devestating disease.  Bill Caudle was laid off from the company he had worked at for 20 years due and could no longer afford health insurance for his family.  His wife is currently going through chemo for ovarian cancer.  Now she will have to be left without the support of her life partner during one of the most awful times of her life.  Like having cancer isn't stressful enough.   It should never have come to this.  

I was very lucky to have had good health insurance 8 years ago during my surgery and treatment for breast cancer.  These days my insurance is not accepted at the facility I choose to go to for my followup visits and 2 years ago my annual breast MRI showed a spot which lead to a biopsy costing about 12k.  My insurance covered 70 percent of what they thought the facility should charge and I had to pick up the tab for the other 30 percent plus the difference.  This  took me many months to pay off.  Of course the most important thing was the benign biopsy results however the added stress of medical bills is enough to make you crazy.  

While I was going through my treatment I accumulated a pile of bills and insurance statements I couldn't even stand to look at because it would spin me into a panic attack.  I was lost in a daze of surgery, chemo, and trying to get myself to work everyday so I could keep my insurance.  At times I felt like I needed someone to sift through all my paperwork and help me decipher it all.  Through not paying attention I actually screwed myself out of 4 thousand in charges for breast reconstruction that should have been covered.  I found it too late and of course missed the time frame to file a grievance.  And now because of my cancer history I have to be careful not to let my insurance lapse because I would have to wait months to begin new coverage.  

Check out the article about Bill Caudle and share your thoughts here...

Did you have insurance coverage during your illness?  Have you ever had to go to great lengths to get health insurance?  What do you think about this husband joining the army for the health care coverage?  

Secretly Wishing You Had Breast Cancer???

This picture is from Post Secret.  My first thought was WTF?!!  And then I got angry.  As a breast cancer survivor I am especially appalled that any normal healthy person would ever wish for a disease that is killing young women!  Breast cancer is NOT the way to get skinny and get a boob job!!  How about trying diet and exercise!  That is the healthier way to go about it without risking death! 

I had a mastectomy and TRAM flap reconstruction where they took a piece of belly fat and muscle to make a new breast.  It was 10 hours of surgery that I was afraid I would never wake up from.  When I finally did I wished I hadn't I was in so much pain.  Although I joke about getting a "free tummy tuck"  humor is my way of dealing with the emotional pain and fear I live with as a cancer survivor.   I feel as though I have earned that right.

I think the person who wrote this should spend some time with chemo patients who are going bald, vomiting, in early menopause,  have chemobrain and then decide if breast cancer still looks enticing.  Then take a look at a young woman that has just had that so called boob job with scars, a fake nipple, and no sensation left in that breast and see what you think.

I would never wish breast cancer on my worst enemy nor would I ever wish it on myself.  Although I try to take away the positives from a bad experience like how stronger I am from having gone through it, a postive has never been my fake left boob or the huge scar running across my belly that I have to see every day when I look in the mirror.  A constant daily reminder of what was taken away because of cancer.

Have you seen this pic?  What do you think?  Does it make you angry?  What would you tell this person if you had the chance?

Breast Cancer PSA or Beer Commercial?

Have any of you seen this new "Save the Boobs" ad campaign? I was totally out of the loop until the other day when I read a blog by my friend and fellow cancer survivor Kairol Rosenthal. She is the author of Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide to Cancer in Your 20's and 30's a fabulous book for young adults with cancer. Her post "Using Sex to Sell Breast Cancer" is worth a read.

I got so fired up about it that I wanted to share my opinion of it her on my own blog. My first thought was that it came across more like a beer commercial rather than an ad to raise breast cancer awareness. As a young woman who dated through breast cancer treatment I was angered by how it was soley focused on gawking on a young woman's boobs. It actually was a reminder of what I was up against while dating bald and boobless! It is all about the boobs and directed at young men. It is sending the message that if you still want to be sexy and gawked at by men you better hold on to your most important asset...your boobs. So what then is a young woman to do when she is faced with losing one or both? Is she left to feel that she will never be worthy without her breast?

I feel like there already is too much out there affecting young women with regards to body image and self-esteem. All of the size 0 girls in magazines who's images have been air brushed bombard us each day at newsstands and bookstores. I don't think that a young woman strutting her stuff and bouncing her boobs in a video will bring awareness to the plight of young women with breast cancer. I am sure that young men will enjoy watching it but they may be the only ones.

Have you seen this ad? What do you think? Do you think this will help increase breast cancer awareness?

Bra Zero

I remember when bra shopping was fun. I remember when it made me feel sexy. I remember when it became a chore.

That happened when I lost my boob. And although they built me a brand spankin new one I was now lopsided. Yeah, I know they say that all women have one boob smaller/larger than the other but still. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to be a girl.

It seemed as though once I lost my boob Victoria’s Secret catalogs showed up everywhere I turned. That those dam bra commercials were on some crazy rotation on every channel I surfed through. Don’t even get me started on shopping in that store or any for that matter. I swear I must have tried on every bra known to man. Every brand, every size, every type. One thing I have realized… I live in an underwire world. All I wanted was a bra without wire. I had no clue it would be near impossible. And if I did in fact hit the bra lotto happening to stumble upon one you could be sure it wasn’t a pretty, girly, one.

Now, back in the day I was a big fan of underwire. It was all I wore. I found it pretty comfortable until I tried to shove a newly reconstructed boob into one. My plastic surgeon practically dared me to try it. I laughed wondering “how hard could it be?” I had done it before right? Well, I was in a for a rude awakening. Initially I had settled into the sporty type, which I must admit were sooo comfortable but quite unflattering. I found I had traded the lopsidedness for flatchested and bound. So I lived in those for quite a while as I became increasingly pissed off at my inability to find myself a nice girly bra. Each time I looked in the mirror at my scars, and a newly built headlight that was forever “on” I wondered why it had to be so dam hard to find something to at least make me look nice from the outside….something to hide all that and still make me feel pretty. Sexy even.

As I stroll through VS now I look around at all these tweens doing their own bra shopping wondering how could it be possible that at such a young age it warrants sexy lacy underwire bra’s? You know…the ones I can no longer wear in my 30’s. I remember being that age having my mom pretty much pick those out for me, not that there was much of a selection back then where we shopped. Jealous much?! Not only was I feeling unattractive and ugly, I was feeling dam old!

Where I was heading with all this is that I FINALLY found a one! And it fit all my requirements with a bonus. No wire, with padding (to cover the headlight that never shuts off) and drumroll please……LACE!! I wanted to cry I was so happy. Thank You Calvin Klein!

But you know what happens next right? It is sure to be discontinued! LOL

This was originally posted in May of '08.  As I am in full on bra shopping mode I thought I would share once again!  

As a breast cancer survivor do you have difficulty with bra shopping?  Have you been successful?  Do you find that you feel jealous when you see women shopping in VS without a thought to what will fit?  

Think Before You Pink

Its hard to believe that in a few short months, 3 to be exact, it will be October.  And we all know what that means.  Pink everywhere.  Now, don't get me wrong, pink always was and still is my favorite color, but for the month of October it takes on a different meaning.  It symbolizes breast cancer awareness month.  There will soon be pink ribbons on almost every product in the stores ad nauseam.  

As a breast cancer survivor I don't want to come off as ungrateful or bitchy about the bc awareness campaign.  Its just I can't help but wonder as I do every year if some companies tag themselves with that pink ribbon to increase their sales.  That is why I was glad to find out about a campaign looking out for just that.  Its called Think Before You Pink.  A project of Breast Cancer Action, it was launched in 2002 in response to an increasing concern about the huge number of pink ribbon products and promotions on the market.

This campaign also focuses on what they call "Pink Washers".  These are companies that say they care about breast cancer and promote its awareness but produce products that are linked to disease!  One example is Avon.  This company produces cosmetics with known carcinogens in the ingredients that have been linked to cancer.  This is of special interest to me as I try to avoid using products with bad stuff such as parabens and other chemicals/toxins.  

Be sure to check out this campaign and let me know what you guys think!  Am I the only one suspicious of  all those pink ribbons?