Loosing My Survivor Touchstone . . .

It has taken me over a month to find the strength to write this post. But I felt it important to share this with all of you. If you are a cancer survivor then you are probably all too familiar with survivor's guilt. You are also familiar with touchstone's I would guess. Well, I recently lost one of my close survivor touchstones and at the same time feeling lots of survivor's guilt. Then there is also tons of fear in the mix.

When I was diagnosed 10 years ago at the tender age of 31 there wasn't anyone I knew who had been through it. Well, except one person. It was my cousin who had been through it 2 years earlier. She was also in her early 30's with 2 kids at the time. The day I got the news she was one of the first calls I made. It meant so much to talk to someone who was family, and close to my age who had survived a mastectomy and grueling chemo that I was facing. Neither one of us ever thought about breast cancer. You see we don't have a history in our family on either side (our mother's are sisters).

We each handled the emotions differently but had similar treatments. I in NY was treated at Sloan-Kettering, and she in Houston was treated at MD Anderson both top cancer hospitals. She took tamoxifen and I opted not too. I have not had genetic testing and her results were negative. We both changed our diets and questioned environmental causes. I felt a bond with her as family but also as a fellow survivor. I always looked up to her growing up, she was 4 years older than me, so beautiful and kind.

I got a phone call from my mom a week before July 4th letting me know she was in the hospital. And it was bad. I was shocked. You see, I had no idea that her cancer came back 5 years ago. Nobody told me because my cousin didn't want me to worry. Still looking out for me as she did for everyone in her life. She passed away on July 5th. As I write these words I still feel such disbelief. My cousin did everything her doctors told her, even took tamoxifen, went for all her followup tests, made it 8 years before it came back. Here I am alive, healthy, and a 10 year survivor. I cannot help but feel guilty about that and yet at the same time fear for my own life. This feeling surfaced its ugly face when my dad passed from cancer 3 years ago and my sister-in-law passed 6 years ago also from cancer but is much stronger now because it much stronger now.

Next week I go for my annual mammogram and I cannot put into words the fear I am feeling. I know that it is partly from my cousin's death. She was a survivor touchstone for me. I am beginning to think that there has to be some big book up there with all of our arrival and exit dates etched in it somehow. I have to believe there is something more or I don't think I can keep moving forward and let go of the fear . . .

Secretly Wishing You Had Breast Cancer???

This picture is from Post Secret.  My first thought was WTF?!!  And then I got angry.  As a breast cancer survivor I am especially appalled that any normal healthy person would ever wish for a disease that is killing young women!  Breast cancer is NOT the way to get skinny and get a boob job!!  How about trying diet and exercise!  That is the healthier way to go about it without risking death! 

I had a mastectomy and TRAM flap reconstruction where they took a piece of belly fat and muscle to make a new breast.  It was 10 hours of surgery that I was afraid I would never wake up from.  When I finally did I wished I hadn't I was in so much pain.  Although I joke about getting a "free tummy tuck"  humor is my way of dealing with the emotional pain and fear I live with as a cancer survivor.   I feel as though I have earned that right.

I think the person who wrote this should spend some time with chemo patients who are going bald, vomiting, in early menopause,  have chemobrain and then decide if breast cancer still looks enticing.  Then take a look at a young woman that has just had that so called boob job with scars, a fake nipple, and no sensation left in that breast and see what you think.

I would never wish breast cancer on my worst enemy nor would I ever wish it on myself.  Although I try to take away the positives from a bad experience like how stronger I am from having gone through it, a postive has never been my fake left boob or the huge scar running across my belly that I have to see every day when I look in the mirror.  A constant daily reminder of what was taken away because of cancer.

Have you seen this pic?  What do you think?  Does it make you angry?  What would you tell this person if you had the chance?

The Hair Thing

On  SATC when Samantha was diagnosed with breast cancer and faced losing her hair she went wig shopping. As she sat in the chair trying on a few wigs, disliking most of them, she told the wig guy "my hair is my thing"  And isn't that so true.  I know it was for me.

I had a harder time losing my hair during chemo than losing my boob.  I hated wearing a wig and I didn't have the balls to rock the bald head.  Samantha had fun with wigs ranging in style from L'il Kim, to blond bombshell and even Foxy Brown.  She rocked them all.  I hated wearing mine and yet wouldn't leave the house without it.  Ironically though I received more compliments on my wig than I had on my real hair!  

I often wonder why hair is such a huge deal.  Especially for women.  Maybe because it is a part of our sexuality, a form of expression, and sometimes it is something we can hide behind.  And of course there is the belief that men love long hair.  I recently watched one of those makeover shows and the woman didn't care about the clothes they put her in or the makeup they put on her face.  Hell, they could've put warpaint on her face and she didn't seem to care.  But having her hair cut off short sent tears streaming down her cheeks within seconds.  The followup at the end of the episode showed her getting extensions.  Apparently a life without long hair was one she couldn't handle.  

I too have cried over a bad haircut and a bad color job until I was bald.  Now there's a bad hair day!  So I can't help but get mad at myself today if  I complain about my hair.  I certainly am much better about it and really don't shed tears over a bad haircut anymore.  I guess sometimes I feel like being a cancer survivor instantly revokes my right to sweat the small stuff at times.  

How did you handle the hair thing during your treatment?  Did you wig out or rock the bald head?  Did losing your hair make you appreciate it all the more when it grew back?

Gray Area

Losing my hair to chemo was pretty devastating.  When it grew back I vowed to never color it again.  I had damaged it so much before cancer that I am surprised it didn't fall out then.  Last spring I started noticing a few too many new gray hairs cropping up.  I decided to go with highlights.  I wanted less chemicals going into my scalp and I figured that highlights could camouflage the gray areas.  

It has been almost a year since I caved and I have had it done one other time trying to stretch the root touch ups as much as I can but my hair grows like a chia pet. Nothing to complain about, I know.   The other day when I was drying my hair I noticed that there are broken pieces along the part.  Little spikes broken off at the grown out root.  This more than bothered me.  I wondered if I was the only one.  I wondered if I should continue. What I really wondered was could I stop and just go gray?

I had been pulling out my stray grays.   But now there are a few too many to use that as my solution.   I swore when my hair grew back I would just be happy to have hair.  That I would never complain about a bad hair day again.  And I usually don't.  Till now.   I know that compared to being bald this is nothing.  And then I wonder why it bothers me so.  

Would you ever go gray?  Are you concerned about chemicals in hair dye?  What is your solution?