I long for the days when the word control
for me was just the title to one of my favorite Janet songs circa 1986. Back then I was a junior in high school and one of the few problems I had at the time was finding a date for the prom which by the way was unsuccessful. I hadn't yet come in contact with one single person who had cancer. I rarely ever thought of the word.
Then bad things started happening. My parents divorce when I was 18, my husbands death when I was 25, and thinking it couldn't get any worse, a diagnosis of cancer at only 31 years old. I am not a controlling person perse when it comes to the people in my life. The control freak in me comes out about things like my diet, my daily routine, exercise or lack thereof, and obsessing over my health. All of which stems from fear. Fear of losing people close to me, fear of failure, fear of cancer recurrence and the list goes on.
The hardest part to control though is my mind and all the crazy thoughts running through it on a daily basis. It is much easier for me to control what I eat and how much exercise I get in order for me to try and maintain my health. If I miss a day with my juicer I get cranky and start obsessing not realizing that the obsessing is just as bad if not worse for me that just missing a juicing day. I hate that it is hard for me to control bad thoughts.
I know that immersing myself in what I love to do helps. But getting those things started seem so overwhelming sometimes and I can't help but wonder why. I wish it wasn't so hard for me. Each day I try a little harder, each day I try to find myself amidst the mess in my head.
How about you? Would love to hear from those who can relate!