Birthdays used to be the only day of the year I would celebrate my life. I really never thought about feeling grateful, celebrating life or anything else for that matter the rest of the year. This always created a huge sense of pressure for things to be perfect. I had to find the “perfect” way to celebrate. In the end the pressure for perfection always outweighed the actual moment. The celebration was tainted somehow.
Yesterday was my 38th birthday. I look at my birthday so differently now. I was dx’d with cancer at 31 and feared I would never even see this age. So while other girls getting up into their late 30’s along with me are whining about new wrinkles and grey hair, about their ticking biological clocks I am feeling just grateful to be “older”. It no longer feels like the curse it once had felt like. Thats not to say I am not surprised to be this close to knocking on 40’s door, I can’t believe I am this close! But age has now become a milestone I long to achieve. It reminds me of my survival, it reminds me I am still here.
My husband and I spent a nice quiet day together, went out to dinner and had cake for dessert of course! We came home and then watched a movie. At the end of the nite we shared a toast…..to good health, long life, happiness, and love. We try to do that more, not just on the special days to be celebrated but to celebrate all days. There was still the pressure from others asking “What are you doing for your birthday?” or “Doing anything exciting on your birthday?” which made me feel like I was somehow not living up to the challenge. The challenge I would be creating for myself based on others perceptions. Not realizing that the celebration could be simple. That simple could be great! If you are doing something you love, no matter how big or small it can still be a celebration.
These days I feel like celebrating so much. I no longer want to wait for the birthday, anniversary, or holiday to roll around to express my happiness for those around me. I want to celebrate life every single day in all that I do. I want to soak up the “moments”. Moments alone or moments spent with those I love.
You know that feeling you have on your birthday? The excitement for the celebration, the attention from those around you making you feel like the day is all about you? I want to feel like that everyday. I think I deserve it….
I think we all do……