Looking Ahead

I am spending a quiet new years eve home in front of the fire with my husband and our little pug Bosco.  And there is no place I would rather be.   

But as I reflect on this past year I can't help but feel sad.  I think I have always felt a bit of sadness every new years eve.  Mostly thinking of those in my family who are gone.  I always tell myself I won't cry when the ball drops but to my husband's dismay I do without fail.  

2008 will always be the year I lost my dad.   Even as I write this I am holding back tears.  And I still can't believe he is gone.  Tonite I have been thinking of him a lot.  Thinking of him, of Paul, and my grandma.  Wondering if they are having their own party together from their heaven.  I like to think they are.  

Looking forward to 2009 I want to worry less and laugh more.  I want to dance, be silly, capture moments with my camera, and to smile.  I want to feel free.  I want to enjoy more of the simple stuff.  I want to stop looking back.  I want to love more.

As this year comes to a close I feel grateful for all that I have in spite of the losses.  

I wish all of you peace, love, good health, and happiness for this new year!!  

Losing the Waiting Game

As I stood in the changing room putting on my posh hospital gown I looked and felt as if I would faint.  7 years a survivor and I was still feeling like someone in a lineup waiting for the verdict.  I guess I was waiting for someone to tell me I am ok since I have yet to figure out how to tell it to myself.  Lou and I were amazed at how many people were in the waiting room with stressed out looking family members watching them down gallons of radioactive liquids, holding hands, and wishing they were anywhere but there.  

While I took a seat in my own special waiting room amongst all the older women my hands felt cold and clammy.  I dodged the stares of those women looking at me wondering what someone so young was doing in their domain.  I couldn't help but wonder that myself.  I wished I had the answer.  I wanted to tell them my story.  Hell,  I really just wanted to go home. 

I heard them call my name.  I was up at the plate but it wasn't any fun.  When I walked into the room there was a sickly runny nosed mammo tech coming at me who should have been home instead of spreading germs throughout the cancer hospital she was working in.  And then I got my only good boob smashed between 2 plates and dam did it hurt!  After she was done I was sent back out to the waiting room still in my gown to begin the waiting game.  It was practically standing room only in there which is scary in itself, a stark reminder of just how many have been affected by cancer.  So as I sat and waited I watched woman after woman getting called in for the mammo and then not long after leaving with the results, that three fold beige paper holding their fate.    I could tell by the smiles that the "Normal" box must have been checked off.  I on the other hand sat, sweaty, panicked trying to figure out how to calm my racing heart wondering how bad mine must have been since I was still there. 

Finally, someone called my name  except this time it was someone to usher me off to my doc appointment.  As I stood up I felt nearly faint figuring for sure it was bad news.  Trying not to let my knees buckle under me I sat up on the table in her examination room ready to pounce on her the second she opened the door in my panicked rage.  She came in with a smile as always as I began to ramble on about my results or lack there of.  She quickly headed over to the radiologist office where I had just come from hoping to solve the mystery.  I was in a cold sweat. Luckily shortly after, my doc had returned with good news.  A normal mammo.  The radiologist just had not looked at mine yet.

 I wondered if the staff would treat their jobs differently had they been patients themselves.  All we have to do is sit and wait.  Wait and watch.  Noticing each person who went before you and how long they wait to find out.  There is no order.  No order breeds chaos, at least in my head it does.  

I will never get used to the waiting game.  It is painful, stressful, and there is no way around it. Although I believe if there were more empathetic people that could make a difference. 

How do you deal with the waiting game?  

Lemon Love

Something I really need to do more of on this blog is to share some of the ways I have tried to improve my health over the past few years.  One of which is how I changed my diet.  Of course this change was initiated by me getting kicked in the ass by cancer!  But what is important is that I am in a better place and am treating my body better. 

One of the things I have found that makes me feel all kinds of good are lemons.  I try to keep myself hydrated which is so important but sometimes I just get tired of the taste of water, or should I say lack thereof!  So I started squeezing lemons into the water for the better taste but never realized what it would do for my body.  Of course I always need some sweetness so I added some agave nectar to it as well and have a great healthy lemonade!  Agave nectar is a natural sweetener that comes from the agave plant and it is so much better for you than regular sugar.  

What I learned is that lemons help your body absorb all the water you drink better than water alone.  They also help your liver do its job which is to get rid of toxins.  Not to mention lots of vitamin C.    I get many headaches most of the time from dehydration.  Before I go running for that Advil I try some lemon water.  Most of the time I find that it gets rid of my headache.  I also had a recent bout with some skin issues.  And I found that the more lemon water I drank, the more my skin cleared up.  But if for nothing else lemons taste great and give you a good source of Vit C!

Anyone else love the lemon?

Big Book News!!

I am excited to finally be able to spill the beans!  Here is the cover for the new updated and revised edition of my book which is being republished by Kaplan Publishing this spring!  May 5, 2009 to be exact.  

It was a lot of work to do all the rewrites and additions to the beginning of my story as well as the end and everywhere in between.  But I think it will give an even closer look at where I started from and where I am today.  

So for those who have read the first edition I hope that you take another look and for newcomers I hope you will check it out!  I am very grateful for this new opportunity for Breastless to reach a wider audience.  Most of all my wish is for it to continue to inspire and give courage to those who don't think they can make it through the crappy stuff  that is thrown at us!  It is a story about survival, love, and embracing life!

Top of the World

I remember when you seemed larger than life to me.  You were the one who took care of everything, the one who put food on the table, who worked hard everyday.  When I was little I had yet to discover all the trouble in our house.  All the bad stuff caused by you.  

As I drove over the Tappan Zee Bridge the other day you popped into my head.   I was approaching mid span staring at the little flashing red lights at the very top when tears began to well up in my eyes.  I could almost hear your voice say "Breaker 1-9, I am at the top of the world.  Over." with the country twang you forced over your Bronx accent when talking on your CB.  And just like that, there I was sitting next to you in the front seat of your '79 maroon Volkswagon Rabbit as we headed over that bridge to pick up Grandma for the weekend.   When I looked at you all I saw was my dad.  It would be years before I would realized you were a drunk.  And even more years until I would accept it.  

You loved that dam CB and the huge antenna that popped onto the rear bumper of the Rabbit.  You brought it in the house at night so you could keep on talking with all the truck drivers on channel 19.  You were the Amoco Man, and I was Rosebud Marie.  I felt special.  It was one of the very few good memories I have of time spent with you as a child.   

As I crossed over the top of the world heading toward the tolls the tears continued to fall and I missed you all over again.

Reflections

As I stepped out of the shower I grabbed my towel.  I stood and faced the mirror.  With the towel wrapped around me I picked up my hairbrush and slowly ran it through my soaked hair.  I let the towel drop off of my shoulders and pinned it under my arms to hold it up.  No one would know I thought to myself as I quickly glanced at their shape under the towel, one bigger than the other.  Just as I lifted my right arm up to run my fingers through my hair that side of the towel slid down.  Through my blurred vision I was struck, stopped for a second that felt like an hour.  I began to stare at its perfect shape,  its perkiness, and the healthy pink shade of the nipple.  I thought about how I missed having two that looked the same, two that were healthy, two that I could feel.  I  wondered how it became the one I would always worry about.  

It has been over 7 years and this moment surprised me.  It was like for that short moment I could pretend I was whole.  I could remember what they looked like.  I never took a photo of them before surgery.  I thought about it.  Now I wish I had.  So I could always be reminded of  my reflection.  The reflection of how I used to be.   

Clutter Bug

 As I look around my house I realize that I am weighed down in clutter.  Not just physically but emotionally as well.  I feel like when my mind is messed up having a mess around me doesnt help.  It actually makes it worse.  The clutter around here is mostly mine.  I am married to a very neat person.  I wish I could be that neat, that organized.  I never have been so why start now.  But I wish I could.  I always have the pile of paper on the kitchen table that moves from there to the coffee table and eventually back to the desk in the spare room.  Clothes hang in my closet and take up space in my dresser that never see the light of day.  I recently bought some new clothes for winter and realized there was no where to put them!  

I feel like the clutter build up around me is reflective of what goes on in my mind sometimes.  Lately I feel like my mind is cluttered.  I wonder why it is so hard to start to organize, to declutter.  I have been through this before.  And once I actually start to get rid of it and clean out the space it feel soooo good when it is done.  But, to pick up the first piece of paper and put it in the shredder is like lifting a huge weight for me.  Yes, I have a paper disorder too!  

So last nite Lou and I purged our closets and made space for new clothes to actually wear.  I have many bags of clothes to bring to good will.  I certainly am better with him helping me.  Its like he is my jump start.  I wonder why I need that so much.  I am hoping to continue the momentum he started and get more organized.  I know it will feel better around me if I can push through it.  

Any other clutter bugs out there? I need help!  :)

Where I've Been

Its hard to believe that October is coming to a close.  Even harder to believe that I have neglected this blog for so dam long!  So I am finally back to tell about what has been going on to keep me away.  

Around the time of my last post I came down with a crazy bad cold that kept me huddled on the couch with boxes of puffs plus for a week.  It took me about 2 more weeks to feel better.  And during all of that I was hard at work on something very exciting for my book that I cannot yet talk about but am busting at the seems to.  Sorry for the teaser ;)

I had my annual checkup with my oncologist about 2 weeks ago.   No matter how long, how many years I am a survivor I dont think I will ever go through it with ease.  I will always have some level of anxiety.  More so since my dad passed away.  So I wanted to share a story about how that went.  

I have never come to blows with any of my docs.  But this visit came close.  Maybe it is because I have become a better advocate for myself.  Or maybe I have just become more frustrated with the establishment.  First of all I had to wait over an hour in the little room with the dam gown on freezing, pacing until he finally came in.  I am sure I must have been his last patient for the day which I bet was a stressful one.  Lou was in the room with me and I sat on a chair because I couldnt stand to sit up on the examining table for that long.  When he finally came in I hit him with the sarcasm right off.  He asked me what I was doing over on the chair and I told him I thought it would make me feel less like a patient since I had to wait so long for him.  He smiled and asked me to get up on the table.  

When he asked me how I was I told him I was fine but my dad had died.  I tried to hold back the tears for as long as I could.  I can tell you it wasn't that long.  In the meanwhile though he started in on me again about getting tested for the breast cancer gene.  He and I began this conversation or rather he began it years ago.  And I told him that I was not getting tested because I know that I wouldn't do what he was recommending if I was positive.  That is to remove my ovaries and my right breast just in case, to prevent cancer.  Now he was pushing it even harder as he explained to me about the link between pancreatic and breast cancer.  Because my dad had pancreatic cancer increases that chances that my breast cancer was genetic.  When I asked him about percentages he told me it was 10 percent that I may have the gene.  Last time I checked 10 percent is pretty low on the scale and certainly not a high enough chance in my eyes.   It was like I didnt know him, for a second when he kept pressing me about getting tested.  Then I started to cry and the tears were about my dad.  When I asked him about smoking and alcoholism being predisposing factors to pancreatic cancer which I had discovered from my google research he quickly shot down my idea and rambled on again about the gene test.  

As I laid down on my back for the breast exam, tears streaming down my face he grabbed my hand looked into my eyes and said "I would be so sad if you ended up getting ovarian cancer."

WTF!  Did I hear him correctly?  Are you kidding me?  What kind of a thing is that to say.  Wow, he was really laying on the scare tactics.  It was so not like him.  As the shock wore off I looked back at him and said "Really....well, I think I would be alot sadder than you!"  And didnt even know what else to say at that point.  I just think it was  a tad bit inappropriate for him to say that.  Not the best bedside manner for the moment. 

But having said all that I want to just close with this.  I am not saying here that genetic testing is wrong, I know it has saved many lives.  What I am saying is that I just dont think it is the right thing for me.  I personally look at my recovery in a more holistic way and believe that nutrition, lifestyle, and other environmental factors can put people at risk for cancer.  I believe and have always said that each person  faced with any disease has to make the best decisions they can for themselves and their recovery. 

Have any of you been faced with a difficult decision in any area of your life that others disagreed with?  

Stupid Cancer Comedy Show

An organization I support is having its 2nd annual fundraiser to benefit young adults with cancer.  I am of course talking about The Im Too Young For This Cancer Foundation For Young Adults.  I attended the inaugural event last year and it was a great show!  If you are a young adult with cancer or anyone who just wants to have a good time while raising money to support this lost generation of cancer survivors head on down to the Gotham Comedy Club in NYC!  But first buy a ticket here!  There are still some left!

Check out this video from the Today Show with Matthew Zachary CEO/Founder of i[2]y

Celebrating Survivorship

I was chosen to be the keynote speaker for the 4th Annual Survivorship Day Celebration at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.  They contacted me back in February and asked me if I would be interested in sharing my story.  Without a second thought I of course said yes!  I was very honored to have been chosen.  Although I was a patient there I had never been to this event.  It is a wonderful event bringing together cancer survivors, their friends as well as families.  It is a celebration of life.

When I found out about it I let my dad know and I asked if he would be able to be there that day.  He told me in an email (which was our main means of communication) that it was great news and he would be there if he could, if he was still around.  I wondered that much as well.  As the date drew closer I would bring it up and he began telling me he wasn't sure.  When I saw him on his birthday in April I finally saw how sick and weak he had become.  I stopped asking.  I still secretly hoped he would be there.  He died on June 2nd and I gave my speech a week later on the 10th.  Wondering how the hell I would still be able to do it I knew somehow I had to, it was too important to me.  I didn't want to let anyone down most of all myself.  It was very hard to get up in front a room full of people with all the sadness in my heart. It was hard to be at an event to celebrate my own cancer survivorship when he just lost his life to cancer.   But I did it, enjoyed it and hopefully inspired everyone there.  I even made them laugh!  Although I  had just lost so much somehow I hung on to my sarcasm.

I thought of my dad and wished that he could have seen me, that he could have been there.  In a way it was like he made sure he was....

Click here and  head on over to the page for the video clip of my speech.  Beware though it is 25 minutes long,  but I think it is worth it!  :)

Let me know what  you guys think!

More Dreams...

I keep having dreams about my dad which surprisingly makes me feel a little closer to him.  As I had said in my last dream post, I believe that this is one of the ways the dead can "visit" or communicate with us.  I am amazed at the messages I am getting from him.

About a week ago there he was again.  I also tried to write this one down to recall the detail although when I first woke up I had already forgotten some of it.  But luckily not the message within.  All I recall is him telling me that he stayed longer than he was supposed to , longer than his program was for.  Now I don't know how many of you believe this but I have always felt that when we come into this life we sign up beforehand for a program, meaning things we will go through both good and bad in order for our souls to learn while we are here.  I also believe in past lives, that I have been through here before.  So when he told me that, I asked him why and his response was "So you wouldn't have to be alone when you were sick."

I need to back track somewhat for you here for this to make sense.  About 6 months prior to my cancer diagnosis my dad had a brush with death.  He was rushed to the ER with a burst appendix.  They did surgery and the docs were all shocked that he pulled through.  They said they didn't have an explanation for it since he was in such bad shape.  But he did good and got better quickly.  When I was sick he was the only one in my family who was there everyday in the hospital, took me to all my chemo treatments, even offered to stay with me (to which I said "hell no")  which was so different than he was in our relationship.  He and I were always estranged but when the chips were down he somehow was there for me.  Even when I didn't want him to be.  

So this dream has left me wondering if he survived then so that he could be there for me when I had cancer.  Maybe this was him letting me know that to be true.  I would like to think that it was.  And it makes me all the more grateful to have had him there with me through it all.  

I only wish I had been able to return the favor when he was sick...

Celebrating By The Shore...

I have kept it no secret that I am in love with the ocean.  It has always been the place I run too in times of trouble, where I go to find peace.  The sound of the waves crashing against the shore has always been calming to me.  Paul and I used to go to the beach.  First it was the Jersey shore back in the day, then we graduated to island trips when we were engaged.  He loved the water so much he might as well have been a fish!  I guess being a Pices was close enough.  

After he died I didn't make it back to an ocean for a long time.  And when I finally decided I could let go I went to the ocean  Memorial Day weekend with some friends.  Late that nite I walked down to the shore myself with his wedding ring and tossed it into the sea.  Then I cried. But then I felt a sense of letting go enough to move on.  That was a year before my cancer diagnosis.  

Yesterday was a celebration.  It was my birthday...my 39th!  I never thought I would live to see 32 and here I am at 40's door!  Instead of dreading it I look at it as a celebration of life, my life, the one I thought I would loose 7 years ago.  

My husband surprised me this birthday with a 2 nite stay in a beautiful beach cottage in Newport, RI.  It is my favorite place.  It is where he proposed to me out on the rocky shore at the ocean.  We headed out on Sunday and I was able to wake up on my birthday to the sounds of waves crashing and this time it wasn't just my good 'ol sound machine!  As I glanced out the window I thought about how lucky I was, how lucky I am to be alive.  Although I still am sad about my dad and will be for a while, I was trying to enjoy this moment given to me.  

I thought about how celebrations should happen everyday and not be reserved for the "special days".  Everyday should be special.  I am still working really hard to make that a reality in my life.  Time is so very precious and I have had to learn that lesson way to many times.  

So Lou and I spent the day just sitting on the deck under the umbrella feeling the ocean breeze blow through our hair.  As I looked out to the sea it seemed so endless.  Much like how life is endless with possibilities.  I thought about how I want to focus more on the possibilities of life rather than the losses.  I couldn't help but wonder why that is so hard.  

While we were outside we both were taken aback when we saw an older couple who were in the cottage right next door.  They appeared to be 70-80ish and they too were sitting on the deck just taking in the sights.  The man wrapped his arm around his girl and they put their heads together and smiled.  It was weird because they looked like what Lou and I could be years from now. And I am talking literally here!  As I glanced over at them I felt it was no accident that they were there.  I thought about that possibility.  Growing old with the man I love.  Although it is harder to imagine growing old since having had cancer I was looking forward to the possibility open to me.....to us.  

I thought about all I have lost, how Paul promised me we would be together for 50 years, and now tried to focus on what could be with Lou.....

It was truly a special birthday, spent with the man I love, at a place so very special to me....

Dreams

I have always believed in life after death.  I really haven't posted about it much if at all and maybe I should.  I am very curious how many of you are fellow believers.  I believe that our loved ones can still communicate with us from the "other side"  as some have coined it.  I have had some experiences like that over the years and most of my life.  

One of the ways I believe the dead communicate with us is through dreams.  Since my dad passed away he no doubt has been on my mind alot.  I  have had dreams of him already.  I have also had many dreams of my husband Paul over the years which I will have to share with you sometime.   I used to keep a little notebook on my endtable and when I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream I would write down what  I could remember right away cause if I left it till the morning I couldn't recall much of it.  I wish I had continued with that over the years.  I have been too inconsistent.  

So the other nite I woke up in the middle of a dream about my dad.  He looked much younger and healthier than last I saw him.  I was the age I am now but he looked about 40ish.  All I can recall was sitting with him at a table, him looking upset and grumbling about something (no surprise with him) and it was known somehow that he had cancer.  This is the only dialogue I can remember...

"Dad, what's the matter?"  I asked

"That disease is so unnecessary."  He replied in a somber tone as he held his head cupped in his hands.

"What?  You mean the cancer?"  inquiring again to figure out what he could mean.

"No.  I mean self hatred."  as he looked at me matter of factly.

And that is when I woke up.  That is all I can remember.  Although it is not much it somehow speaks volumes and sent me a huge message.  I think he was trying to tell me that the time he spent with that "disease"  wasted away much of his life.  Interesting to me he labeled it as such.  I don't think that many people view it that way.  I never did either until I thought about that dream.  It makes sense though doesn't it?  I for one know that I spent way too much time disliking myself and never feeling good enough.  I have spent most of my life that way.  It is only in recent years, since I had cancer that I have learned to love myself.  Unfortunately my dad never experienced that.  And I can't help but wonder why it took cancer to wake me up to what I was doing to myself.

I believe he sent me a pretty big message, one that I can keep with me.  Its amazing to me that I am given the opportunity to learn from him even in death.....

As he watches over me from the "other side"....

Think Before You Pink

Its hard to believe that in a few short months, 3 to be exact, it will be October.  And we all know what that means.  Pink everywhere.  Now, don't get me wrong, pink always was and still is my favorite color, but for the month of October it takes on a different meaning.  It symbolizes breast cancer awareness month.  There will soon be pink ribbons on almost every product in the stores ad nauseam.  

As a breast cancer survivor I don't want to come off as ungrateful or bitchy about the bc awareness campaign.  Its just I can't help but wonder as I do every year if some companies tag themselves with that pink ribbon to increase their sales.  That is why I was glad to find out about a campaign looking out for just that.  Its called Think Before You Pink.  A project of Breast Cancer Action, it was launched in 2002 in response to an increasing concern about the huge number of pink ribbon products and promotions on the market.

This campaign also focuses on what they call "Pink Washers".  These are companies that say they care about breast cancer and promote its awareness but produce products that are linked to disease!  One example is Avon.  This company produces cosmetics with known carcinogens in the ingredients that have been linked to cancer.  This is of special interest to me as I try to avoid using products with bad stuff such as parabens and other chemicals/toxins.  

Be sure to check out this campaign and let me know what you guys think!  Am I the only one suspicious of  all those pink ribbons?

Finding Comfort

I just can't believe it is already one month ago today that my dad passed away.  Time flies by so quickly and yet seems as though  it is standing still.  I have neglected many things in my life lately one being this blog.  I am sorry I have been away so long and I hope to be posting more on a regular basis.  I think it would help me sort things out.  It would give me some comfort.

So if you are wondering what I have been up to over these last few weeks....I wish I could tell you!  That sounds promising now doesn't it!  It really seems to be a blur.  Some days I am ok and then others I am in tears.  I hate feeling like this.  It is all too familiar.  The sadness, the fatigue, the anxiety, the moping around.  And yet I know I have so much to be grateful for.  But my dad is gone and I can't even fathom it yet.  It doesn't feel real yet.  I stupidly thought that because I had already lost a husband, and my grandma that it would prepare me for this loss.  But this time it is a parent, and I feel like part of my history is gone.   My dad was  absent in my life and yet so present in my mind much of the time because our relationship was so dam hard, so dysfunctional.  I spent 7 years on the couch trying to figure it all out, figure him out, figure out why it didn't work.  Why I had to keep him at 10 arm's lengths in order for me to function and have a life.  

I just feel very thankful that my dad and I had that moment on his birthday to let the past go and share a hug and hear him say the words I had missed so much from him my whole life.  My brother said to me recently in an email that "Love is always there no matter how clouded by painful memories, anger, or resentment.  Once the persons gone the stuff that wasn't important fades and what's left is what was real and always there in the first place."

I can't help but wonder though why the unimportant stuff doesn't fade while people are still alive?  Is it because we are all caught up in all the crap of life, the hurts we sustained, and the anger we feel?  I faced this dilemma when my husband was killed, then when I had cancer, and now here it is in my face again.

I have often been asked how I have survived through all that.  How did I get to where I am?  How have I moved past the pain, and fear.   I have to admit, I still feel that sometimes, I think it is only normal to.  But what I have done to help myself get through the bad stuff and still feel present, less fearful is to focus on what I love to do.  First I had to figure that out.  So I started years ago with that one question.  It was then I began to discover what was inside of me.  I focused on my writing, I started to take pictures which lead to a class in photography, and also realized that I liked crafting.  What I came to find was that all of these hobbies kept my mind in the present,  in the moment, until I lost track of the time.  It made me feel good and kept my creative mind from moving toward the fear, toward the negative.  

Something else that helps me is being surrounded by things that are familiar.  Things like routine, home, smells, music and my puppy.  There seems to be comfort in the daily routine, comfort in what we know.  I think it helps to ground us.  And I think the grounding keeps the mind from wandering to all the bad places it seems to like to go....

The Call...

Lou and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary this weekend.  It was one of the nicest weekends we spent together in a while.  The weather was beautiful, there was a calmness in the air around us that had been missing for so long.  It felt strange but good.  Peaceful even.  I felt we were reconnecting with each other.  We were also celebrating my 7 years as a cancer survivor that same day.  

For some reason, I had my cell phone turned off all day yesterday.  I don't think I even realized it until 8pm when I went to check it.  So when I turned it on I saw there was a new voicemail.  Thinking it must have been my mom (who is the only one usually calling me on a sunday)  I quickly checked it.  When I heard her voice I nearly dropped the phone.  It was my dad's wife sounding uncomfortable and a little crazy asking me to call her at work in the morning.  Saying that my dad was getting "bad"  wondering what the hell that meant other than "not good".  There were specific instructions to not call the house, just call on her cell.  She and I hadn't spoken in months, not since my dad was in the hospital last spring for pancreatic cancer surgery.  And prior to that we hadn't spoken in nearly 5 years.  So here she was and I knew it couldn't be good.  I tried not to worry but my anxiety had already been heightened by the fact that my dad hadn't responded to 2 emails I had written in the past 2 weeks.  And now her.

Lou asked me if I was going to call and I said I wanted to wait till the morning as specifically instructed.  And I wanted to just try and soak in the rest of our wonderful weekend.

This morning Lou got up at his usual 4:30am for work.  When he left at 5  I for some reason decided to get up which  NEVER happens!  I wondered why.  Already feeling uneasy for my upcoming phone call I tried to keep myself busy.  There I was sitting on the couch with my laptop burning a hole in thighs when I heard the phone ring at 6:30.  My heart sank into the pit of my stomach.  I ran to the phone, tripping over my pug on the way, grabbed it and heard her voice on the other end.  

"I know you don't want to talk to me, but I left the message yesterday because he had been getting bad.  Not talking so much, and I just wanted to let u know but now I am waiting for the ambulance to come.  He was sitting in his chair and just collapsed onto the floor." she said as her voice was shaking. 

I almost couldn't form words at that moment.  

"Ok, just call me when you know something."  was all I could think of to say.

As I heard the hang up click on her end I walked out to my living room and began pacing, shaking, and repeating "Shit" out loud to myself until I had lost count.  I was shaking my hands as if to bring new life to them.  My pug was staring at me looking as if he was watching a tennis match on tv as I paced back and forth in front of him.  

I heard the phone ring not 5 minutes later and I knew he was gone.  I didn't want to pick up.  I didn't want to know.  I didn't want my dad to be dead.  

"Hello"  I said, this time my voice was shaking.

"He died."  she said through her tears. 

Apparently he died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  Its hard for me to recall what happened after that but I remember telling her I was sorry and her getting snippy that I had.  We were both crying and I said "I can't see him anymore.."  not even knowing why the hell that came out of my mouth.  She said she had to go get my half sister Marie, who is a freshman in highschool, and tell her since she just left for school before it all went down the drain. 

As I hung up the phone I didn't know what to do.  All I could do was cry.  Cry for the loss of him but also for the loss of what could never be.  For the loss of what I longed for my whole life...a father who was not a drunk when I was a child, a father who I got along with, and who made me feel loved.

As I sobbed, shook, and felt weak I thought about the time we spent together on his birthday in April.  And how all the things we said were so important.  I thought about how when I said goodbye to him that day I wondered if it was goodbye forever.  Part of me knew it was.

It was the call I dreaded for the past year.  The one I never wanted to answer.  The one I would never be ready for...

 

Say

Just the other day I was listening to the radio driving along in my car and the song "Say What You Need to Say"  by Jon Mayer came on.  Now I am not a Jon Mayer fan but this song speaks to me.  Although I haven't yet seen the movie "Bucket List"  I know what the premise is and this song is so very fitting.  

As I listened to the words I practically knew by heart I couldn't help but tear up.  I am pretty weepy these days.  Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.  Some believe that tears show our emotion and are better to get out than to stuff in.  I spent most of my life stuffing them in which I do believe in part had a huge effect on my health (that is a topic for another blog).  

With each word the tears streamed down my cheeks as I pulled up to a stop light hoping that they wouldn't cloud my vision.  I thought about what I didn't have the chance to say to Paul.  I didn't get to say "I love you"  before he left that day.  Had I known that it was the last time I would see him it would have been a no brainer.  But I didn't.  What we did say was stupid shit about who would take out the garbage.  I lived for so many years after he died with anger at myself that I didn't say what I wish I had. That I didn't say what I wanted.  I didn't say what was most important.

Now that I am faced with loss yet again I wonder if I have said all I need to say.  This time with my dad.  Pancreatic cancer is taking away his time here and although we don't know how much time is left I hope I have said what is important.  The last time I saw him was on April 4th for his 60th birthday.  I hesitated going and I hate admitting that to anyone, mostly myself.  I have struggled so much and spent many years on the couch to deal with our relationship or lack there of.  Having an alcoholic for a father was not in the plan but we don't get to choose.  I have come to realize though through his illness, through my loss, and my own bout with cancer that which is most important.  So I went for that birthday visit.  It was difficult, sad, disturbing but I was able to say what I needed to say and so did he.  I don't think either of us had planned it that way but I for one am glad for that at least.  Things that  we never said, things we never did.  

He said   "Next time around I will be a better dad"  

I said   "You did the best you could"

He said   "No I didn't, I did what was best for me"

I don't really remember what happened directly after that.  All I remember was thinking how much I will miss him.  At that moment all the crap between us didn't matter.  What did matter was making amends.  (so 12 step of me to say.  Too much al-anon)

I don't remember who hugged first, I think it was me. 

He said  "I love my little girl"

I said  "I love you too"

As I hugged him, it felt foreign and comforting at the same time.  A place it took us my whole life to get to I thought to myself as the tears began again, tears I could barely stop.  I saw them in his eyes too, a place they never were....at least not in front of me.

I hate that these days I am waiting for "the call".  The one I will get from his wife.  The one I will never be ready to answer.  The one I dread.  But at least I know that we said it all.....and that will be of some comfort to me.

Sex and the City Countdown!!

I can't even tell you how freakin excited I am about seeing this movie!  I have watched the preview on youtube so many times I could probably recite the dialogue by now!  I watch the reruns constantly every nite whatever channel I find them on.  I am totally addicted...its true!  

Now I don't know about you but I was so happy with how they ended the series.  I was literally jumping up and down when Carrie and Big finally ended up together.  They were always so meant for each other.  I can't help but wonder though what is in store for them in the movie?  Hmmmm....

In the preview it looks as though Carrie gets dumped and they never make it to the alter.  Or maybe it is one of those "dream sequences" that I keep hearing about? 

 Miranda and Steve seem as though they may be dealing with infidelity from the scene they showed.  I think they make a great couple. 

 And our sexed up friend Samantha seems to have a wandering eye?  How can that be with all she went through with that hottie of hers...Smith?  Being a breast cancer survivor myself I totally related to that storyline with Samantha's breast cancer diagnosis.  And I give serious kudos to the writers for such an accurate, brilliant, and irreverant depiction of her experience. My fav scene is when Smith comes home in the middle of the night after he had sent Samantha the flowers with that sweet note "I can't wait for spring"  and wakes her up to tell her he loves her.  I get goose bumps even now when I watch that scene!

It is probably no secret that the title of my breast cancer memoir was inspired by SATC!

If you haven't already hop on over to YouTube and watch this preview.  Let me know what you guys think!  

Hot Flashes...Not Just For Grandma Anymore

I had my first hot flash at 32. Full on menopause courtesy of chemo. I was feeling a hell of a lot older than I was. I was feeling like a dried up old lady! Thanks to cancer treatments my ovaries went on strike. For about a year. Then Flo was back.

I have to admit what I didn't miss was the mind numbing cramps, the runs, and lets not forget how many undies I would mess up. Month after month since like the age of 12. But the hot flashes! The hot flashes SUCK! And now they are back with a vengence baby. After the past few years of pretty regular cycles.

Now this is something that I can't discuss with my friends since they still get cramps to bitch
about. They don't know what it is like to be in your thirties and have a plumeting sex drive, and
be hot flashing and sweating all the time. My husband knows all too well how often I get them. The nite sweats have me trading in spooning for furiously fanning myself. Really romantic huh?!

I have lost count of how many I get each day. And as the summer approaches the warmer weather triggers them. I have found that a paper plate makes quite a good fan. All of a sudden the heat will start in my chest and travel up to my neck and face like I am on fire. I am instantly dripping wet not to mention the pounding heart. I think that is my fave part.

It is hard to feel girly when you are sweating like a man and looking like you just ran 10 miles after not doing a dam thing.

Can any of you youngins out there relate? Did cancer throw you hormones into an uproar. Have you experienced chemopause?

Anyone have any good tips for controlling these buggers?!

Bra Zero

I remember when bra shopping was fun. I remember when it made me feel sexy. I remember when it became a chore.

That happened when I lost my boob. And although they built me a brand spankin new one I was now lopsided. Yeah, I know they say that all women have one boob smaller/larger than the other but still. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to be a girl.

It seemed as though once I lost my boob Victoria’s Secret catalogs showed up everywhere I turned. That those dam bra commercials were on some crazy rotation on every channel I surfed through. Don’t even get me started on shopping in that store or any for that matter. I swear I must have tried on every bra known to man. Every brand, every size, every type. One thing I have realized… I live in an underwire world. All I wanted was a bra without wire. I had no clue it would be near impossible. And if I did in fact hit the bra lotto happening to stumble upon one you could be sure it wasn’t a pretty, girly, one.

Now, back in the day I was a big fan of underwire. It was all I wore. I found it pretty comfortable until I tried to shove a newly reconstructed boob into one. My plastic surgeon practically dared me to try it. I laughed wondering “how hard could it be?” I had done it before right? Well, I was in a for a rude awakening. Initially I had settled into the sporty type, which I must admit were sooo comfortable but quite unflattering. I found I had traded the lopsidedness for flatchested and bound. So I lived in those for quite a while as I became increasingly pissed off at my inability to find myself a nice girly bra. Each time I looked in the mirror at my scars, and a newly built headlight that was forever “on” I wondered why it had to be so dam hard to find something to at least make me look nice from the outside….something to hide all that and still make me feel pretty. Sexy even.

As I stroll through VS now I look around at all these tweens doing their own bra shopping wondering how could it be possible that at such a young age it warrants sexy lacy underwire bra’s? You know…the ones I can no longer wear in my 30’s. I remember being that age having my mom pretty much pick those out for me, not that there was much of a selection back then where we shopped. Jealous much?! Not only was I feeling unattractive and ugly, I was feeling dam old!

Not to worry….all this ranting will end on a good note. Where I was heading with all this is that I FINALLY found a one! And it fit all my requirements with a bonus. No wire, with padding (to cover the headlight that never shuts off) and drumroll please……LACE!! I wanted to cry I was so happy. Thank You Calvin Klein!

But you know what happens next right? It is sure to be discontinued! LOL

Something New to Check Out!

Karen Lynch a two time breast cancer survivor and freelance writer has started a new blog called The Pink Ribbon Review It is a must see for those of you who have been touched by breast cancer or are a fellow survivor like me. It is intended to raise awareness and is full of great info to help you along the journey.

So be sure to stop by and check out what Karen has to say! I can assure you it will be worth the cyber trip!

Be on the lookout for my story over at Pink Ribbon Review!

Stupid Cancer Fund

One cause I am very passionate about is support for young adult cancer suvivors. You know…the step children of cancer. The ones that are always forgotten about. And it is killing them! Literally!

So if you want to support a great organization that as the sign says… takes care of its own, hop on over to this link and donate to The Stupid Cancer Fund and support i[2]y!!

Don’t forget to send an email blast to all your friends and spread the word like an untreated cancer!

Young Adult Cancer Bill of Rights

Its about dam time!

70,000 people ages 15-39 will be diagnosed with cancer this year. There has been little or no improvement in survival rates for young adults over the past 20 years. What the hell is that about?!! This bill would be established as a standard of care to meet the needs of this underserved population. It needs your support!

Please head on over to Seventyk.org for more info and to sign the petition. Oh yeah, don’t for get to send out an email blast to all your friends so they can do the same!

Pancreatic Cancer Hits Hollywood and Home For Me

I was always a big fan of Patrick Swayze. Dirty Dancing was one of my fav movies. I even had a poster of him on the wall of my college dorm room. Can you say “crush”?! Anyway, when the news broke that he was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I was stunned as I am sure most people were. I have put off writing this post because the news hit home for me and it is something I haven’t really written much about.

Last April my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Even as I write the words they still don’t seem real. This type of cancer is one of the most deadly types mostly because it is found at later stages of the disease. It is difficult to diagnose and there is really no screening test. My dad ended up going to the ER with vomiting and stomach pain. It had been difficult for him to keep any food in his stomach. Tests revealed a blockage at the place where the stomach connects to the intestines. Possibly a tumor. Further tests revealed that it was a tumor attached to his pancreas. He underwent a Whipple Procedure which surgery specific to removing tumors of the pancreas. The surgery was successful however the tumor was cancer and there is lymph node involvement.

I wondered how it could be possible that cancer was hitting my family again only 6 years after my breast cancer diagnosis. But you see cancer does not discriminate. I was only 31 when I heard the words “you have cancer” and my dad is only 59 years old. Still a youngin in my book. Pancreatic cancer affects males more often and in my dad’s age group. My father is a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. I was stunned in my frantic google search after hearing the news to find that both smoking and alcohol abuse are linked to this type of cancer. My dad amazingly hasn’t had a drink in over 20 years but still smokes like a fiend. With the amount that he drank when I was growing up it is amazing he still has a functioning liver but what kind of damage did it reek on his good ‘ol pancreas? Then again, I had breast cancer with no significant family history at a very young age. Go figure! Thats the scary thing with the big “C”…..there doesn’t seem to be a cookbook answer or rather a textbook case that everyone will fall into. I think it is the same with survival. If you have been diagnosed with cancer your first question may have been “Am I going to die?” I know mine was! And depending on the answer to that one you may wonder “When”. All questions the docs don’t really have answers to. My dad posed that question to his doc and was told he has 8-12 months to live if he didn’t do chemo which he opted not to do. Having gone through treatment myself I respect his decision to not do chemo as I know it has to be his decision and nobody else’s. But here we are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of his diagnosis and he is still kickin around! Not well, but still…

Now after struggling most of my life, oh…who am I kidding…. my whole life, in my relationship with my dad, I have a unique understanding of what he is going through more than anyone in my family. I know what it is like to be a cancer patient and I know what it feels like to be scared you will die. I can also see more clearly what he went through with me when I was sick. I don’t like being on the other side of things. But here I am. Trying to figure it all out. An impossible puzzle to solve……

My Crazy Sexy Life Forum

Well guys and gals I have exciting news to share! I have blogged before about Kris Carr author of Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips which is a kick ass book that came out back in the fall chock full of great info for young cancer survivors. Her documentary that started it all will be out on DVD this week! It is called Crazy, Sexy Cancer.

I frequent her blog and have met some really cool peeps and not just cancer survivors. There are great people there that want to learn how to better their lives in many ways….both spiritually and physically.

Over the weekend Kris stepped it up a notch and unveiled her new forum
My Crazy Sexy Life.com. I am already addicted! It is so great, and fun! All you have to do is hop on over and sign up, you get your own page, can upload photos, and info about yourself, begin a group, or just hang and chat it up with others. There are cancer guys and gals but also people who just want to learn how to make their life better.

So if you want to improve your mind, body and spirit take a peek and see what its all about! I can assure you, once you step into the crazy, sexy life you won’t want to leave!

Oh, and don’t forget to tell a friend!

Stop back here and be sure to tell me what you think about it!

I’ll see ya there!

6 Things About Me

My new friend Sherry over at Sage and Thyme posted a meme she was tagged for where she had to tell 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about herself. Although she didn’t technically “tag” me she did invite others to participate. So I am going to accept the informal invite!

Now, I don’t like to admit that I may be quirky but some of these things probably fit that term! We all have weird habits though don’t we? I am secretly hoping I am not alone here!!

Here goes…..

- I won’t sit in the grass, I don’t even like it to touch my legs when I walk through it

- When I shop for groceries I won’t take the first or last item on the shelf, only from the middle

- I don’t like to drink cold water, only room temperature

- I am afraid to try new foods due to anticipated potential allergic reaction

- I get sea sick

- I have dental phobia (thats a topic for its own special blog! -yikes!)

I am not going to tag anyone mostly because I don’t know many bloggers! But I will invite you guys to participate if the mood strikes you.

Here are the rules:
link to the person who tagged you

share 6 non-important/habits/quirky things about yourself

tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs

let each person know you tagged them by leaving a comment on their blog

Understanding Cancer TV Spotlights i[2]y!!

Check out this great video starring my new friend and founder of The I’m Too Young For This Cancer Foundation For Young Adults (i2Y), Matthew Zachary. The Understanding Cancer Network profiled i2y in a recent segment posted on their website.

i[2]y continues to spread its wings and is getting the well deserved recognition for all the wonderful things they are doing to provide support for young adults with stupid cancer! It is an organization that I am very passionate about and wish was around when I was diagnosed with cancer at 31.

Be sure to check them out! And if you already know about this cool resource for young adults with cancer then stop by and let me know what your experience has been!

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Body Image

Recently I had the opportunity to lecture at Gilda’s Club to other young survivors. The topic I discussed was body image and cancer. I now want to share some of it with all of you and hopefully get your input on it as well!

For most of us body image issues began way before our cancer diagnosis. I know mine sure did! I never thought my boobs were big enough, my stomach was too fat, and I never seemed to be happy with my hair. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer as a young woman my body image issues increased with intensity to say the very least.

At the top of my list of concerns then was hair loss. Yes, I put that before boob loss. My boob I could hide away under my clothes but the hair…..that was going to be dam tough to hide. I had new scars to deal with when my boob was gone, I enjoyed chemo induced menopause (full on with hot flashes, and I dried up like an old prune at 31), fatigue that felt as if my body was beat until bloody, my skin color began to look a greyish green (oh so lovely) and I was beginning to no longer recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror.

How did I deal with all that? As a young single woman clinging to the hope she wouldn’t die, how did I try to feel better about myself, about my body, my disappearing self? Well, it wasn’t easy and somedays even now it still seems like a struggle. Here are some tips I want to share to help pick yourself up during cancer treatment and beyond to try and do just that….

- Loose the scale! When I focused on my weight I only felt worse.

- Refocus your energy on healing the inside.

- Wear lipstick everyday……if no other makeup.

- Get a mani/pedicure….I had a standing weekly manicure appointment. It may have been a small thing but it really made me feel better about myself.

- The hair thing…..experiment with wigs and try to have fun. I had more than one wig just to change it up a bit. Or if you are one of those girls that rocks the bald head….you go girl!! You should feel good about yourself no matter what!

- Start to look at your new scars in a different way……my scars are now a daily reminder that I am a survivor!

Most important to remember is that at the end of the day we are all just girls with the same worries we had about our bodies before cancer smacked us in the face. Focus on what makes you who you are on the inside. Change your focus and get rid of fear. Think about what makes you feel creative and what you are passionate about. For me it was writing, photography or just taking a long walk. It was a way for me to empower myself. Fear can steal away our power. Don’t let it!

It is important to realize that you don’t have to keep up appearances. Just be yourself. Turn focus to the positives. Reach out to other cancer survivors who will know what you are going through. Who know what it is like knee deep in the sh**!

What was it that helped you feel better about you? How did you deal with your own body image crapness??

Bitch Board

As I hung up the phone last nite I felt drained. Like the life was literally sucked right out of me. I felt angry, sad, and guilty all at the same time. Is that possible? To have so many feelings all at once. Is it possible to be so mad at yourself for not speaking up and just taking sh** that you could scream?

My whole life I have struggled in our relationship, I have struggled with my feelings for you. Love and hate intertwined together with me unable to untie the knot. When I was a little girl all I longed to do was make you happy, make you proud of me. I tried and tried. Tried to be good, and polite, and always do what I was told. I feared you. The alcohol always won. I could never beat it. It had taken over you, taken over our lives.

It has taken me many years to forgive. And now that you have cancer, now that you are dying, the little girl inside is trying to figure out how to save you. She is trying to figure out how to make you happy if even for a minute. But again you are lost. Lost in your own hell. The hell you have created for yourself. I have realized that this is your path, your journey, one that I cannot lay out for you nor can I get in the way.

I called you last nite to talk for a while but as usual I barely did any talking. I listened to your complaints feeling guilty because of the cancer. Maybe that is why I listened for so long. For 2 hours. Maybe that is why I felt selfish. Selfish for wanting you to ask me how I was doing. Instead I became your bitching board again.

Just because you have cancer doesn’t mean that I will put myself out in the line of fire. It is called self preservation and it is what I have to do for me.

I am not strong enough….the board is beginning to break……

The Results Are In!!!

I hadn’t posted about this over the summer when the saga began but I am feeling the urge to share the story with all of you today.

Back in May I went for my annual breast MRI on my one good boob. I was as usual stressed out to the max. It is a banner day down at Sloan with the MRI in the morning, then off to Mammo, then in to see the doc. I have to say, instinctively I had an icky feeling going into this test. I found out while I was waiting to get called into my mammo that the radiologist saw a small 5 mm area of enhancement on the MRI. All my scans over the past 5 years have been clean. So you can well imagine where my head ran off too! As I sat there with my doc I could feel the blood draining from me and I thought I would faint. She said that he was 90% sure that it was nothing but wanted to do an ultrasound. So they ushered me off like cattle and before I knew it I was laying on a table with cold gel being dumped onto my boob as flashes of my past bout with cancer flew through my head. Nothing showed up on the ultrasound, and my mammo came back normal. The radiologist wanted to do an MRI guided biopsy to be sure. The problem with breast MRI is that there are alot of false positives. Of course they couldn’t be sure that I was one of those. What the f***! How could I possibly be back in this place of total darkness again I thought to myself. Would I lose another breast? Would I die this time? This news came only a month after my dad’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis. This couldn’t be possible.

I had to wait 3 weeks to get the biopsy done which is totally unacceptable! Even after many phone calls to my doc there was still no way to get me in sooner. During those three weeks I came down with an awful cold…..there’s no big surprise! All the stress knocked me on my ass! For anyone out there who has ever had a biopsy in an MRI machine you will understand me when I say it was freakin barbaric! I can barely stand to be on my stomach in that machine for the scan never mind being jabbed and cut into from underneath like I was a car up on a mechanic’s lift at a garage!

Before I knew it the waiting game ensued. I got an email the following nite from my doc (who was in Alaska on vaca btw) telling me that it was benign and most likely a fibroadenoma. I began to cry and felt this huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. That is until the next day when I got a call from the radiologist. She rained on my little parade when she told me that it actually was a fibroepithelial lesion with differential for phyllodes tumor or fibroadenoma. Translation please! Essentially although it was benign a phyllodes tumor can change down the road and they can grow fast. The radiologist told me that she would recommend surgery to remove it. As I felt the darkness creep in again I wondered why I didn’t hear this from my doc? As I googled phyllodes tumor I was even more scared. When I finally heard from my doc she said that her reason to remove it would be to make it easier to read my scans in the future in case there was growth. She said that it was in no way a malignancy but in my head I wondered why remove it? Why not wait to scan again and see if it did get bigger? Why rush in with the scalpel?

She told me to let her know when I would feel comfortable doing this. To tell you the truth I was never going to feel comfortable. I had my checkup with my oncologist who suggested we do another MRI to see if there was any growth. If there was it should come out, if not just watch it.

So after many insurance mixups with preauthorization (that stuff is for another post!) I finally had the scan 2 days ago on Tuesday. In the meanwhile I have been getting more rigid with my diet, my daily juicing, daily Quigong exercise and my attempts at meditation (which is really dam hard for me to do!) I have even been exploring raw food. I couldn’t help but wonder if all that would help it stay stable or better yet make it dissolve. I have yet to blog more about this as I am a big believer in nutrition and the power of the mind to heal. I will be bloggin more about it in the future.

At any rate this morning I emailed my doc and the results are in!! The scan showed that the lesion is “no longer present”! I have my titanium clip in there and that is all they saw. I couldn’t believe it. It was better than I had hoped for. Even better, now no surgery! We will continue to follow it on my scans. I feel such a sense of relief as well as empowerment. I followed my instincts, didn’t feel comfortable with surgery for something benign and so tiny without even waiting to see what it was doing in there. I believe that all of my holistic stuff chased the little bugger right out of my boob. I will continue to do all of my crazy diet stuff as well as destressing exercise to keep it the hell away! This showed me proof of the fruits of my labor…..

It gave me power……and I believe that power can kick fear in the ass!

Inspiring Stories

I was recently interviewed by a great ezine the promotes communication between women writers, agents, editors, publishers and readers. It is WOW-Women On Writing and they chose my story for the inspiration column in their January issue which was just posted today.

Sue Donckels is the former editor that interviewed me and I have to say she did a great job! I have been interviewed a few times so far about my story and she asked great questions. She really made me think and dig deep to share more than was in the book.

So be sure to hop on over there and check it out! You will learn a little more about me as a woman and as a survivor.

I hope it inspires you!

If you have an inspiring story to share I would love to hear from you…..

Life Linkage

This is the name of another great organization for young adults with cancer founded by Preston Presnell who is 23 and 11 year cancer survivor. In November 2006 he founded The Life Linkage Network a non profit geared towards Gen X.

He describes it as Facebook and Myspace meets reality.

Survivors as well as organizations can sign up and become a members. Each member is provided with profile space to share with other cancer survivors via online social networking.

As I have said in previous posts it is so important to connect with others who have shared a similar experience. It is crucial to recovery. What I love about this organization is that it provides that opportunity. The online opportunity to connect with and share experiences with other survivors who have all gone through stupid cancer!

So be sure to check it out and pass the word to all of your survivor friends!