The Mom Gene . . . Do You Have It?

I always knew I was missing the mom gene. Ever since I can remember I knew somehow that I was not meant to be a mother this time around. Although I used to play house when I was a kid and loved to babysit as a tween when I got older I wondered if it was meant for me. I was married at 23 and my then husband Paul wanted to have 6 kids or some ridiculous number like that. I would look at him like he was crazy. He loved kids, loved to be around them. I on the other hand was so uncomfortable around kids. I never quite knew what to say or do and felt all this pressure just being in their presence. Looking back now I can say I was on the fence then. But if Paul wanted them I probably would've gone along with it.

After he died I never thought I would marry again let alone have a family of my own. When I turned thirty I started to feel like I really didn't want any children. Then cancer came at 31 and changed everything. My doctors discussed fertility options prior to my chemotherapy and I was well aware that my treatment would most likely leave me unable to have a baby. At the time I really didn't have a strong feeling about having a baby so I didn't pursue saving any of my eggs. Truth be told I was so screwed up and terrified that I couldn't really see into the future. I wasn't sure I would even have one. I think it may have been the missing mom gene.

Chemotherapy threw me into instant menopause and 8 years later I don't think it is going away any time soon given my age. When I met my husband Lou during my treatments I was concerned about whether or not he wanted children. I was pleased to find that he didn't. We were on the same page. I think it is super important for a husband and wife to agree on the baby thing.

Last nite I caught a glimpse of a documentary about a couple who unexpectedly have quintuplets. The husband was found to be infertile and admittedly didn't want to have kids. But his wife wanted to have them. So they agreed to use a sperm donor and had one child. Then she wanted one more. Back to the sperm donor they went and oops....then came 5! It got me to wondering...especially about the husband. He never wanted kids and now he has 6. And not even his own. I wonder what the stress of all that will do to their marriage. More than that I wonder how he feels having "given in" to the pressure from his wife who wanted kids so badly. Its one thing to compromise on a place to live or where to go on a vacation but children? I say you both need to be on the EXACT same page as far as that goes.

I can't help but wonder if the little feeling I had my whole life about not being a mother was something my soul knew. That it all happened how it was meant to be. I lost my husband and then my ovaries went on strike from cancer treatment. I had the odds stacked against me anyway. Maybe that is why I always had that instinct about myself. And then I wonder how often one person in a relationship "gives in" to the other when it comes to starting a family. . .

Did cancer treatment affect your fertility? Did you always know where you stood on the kid thing? Are you and your partner on the same page about having kids?

Cancer and Relationships Part One. . . Has Cancer Left You Feeling Unworthy??

I realized for me the answer to this question is a resounding yes unfortunately. During my cancer treatment I was out there in the online dating world which as we know is tough enough without the added stress of being bald and boobless. I tried to be hopeful and wanted to continue with the parts of my life that I enjoyed and were important to me. Dating was one of those things. In my book Breastless in the City I share many of these dating experiences as well as the reasons why I stayed with men that were bad for me. One of those reasons had to do with cancer.

I didn't realize it at the time but I felt so unworthy because I had cancer that I made some pretty bad choices in men. I began to feel as though cancer made me instantly undateable. I felt like no man in their right mind would want to date a girl with cancer. Beyond the hair loss and losing a breast there was that tiny issue of survival! I wondered who would want to date a girl who might not survive another year. All of the self-esteem issues I struggled with my whole life really rose to the surface during that time.

So I met the guy who didn't mind I had cancer. He told me so. He told me he wanted to be the one to see me through it... the one to be by my side. It almost seemed to good to be true. And I would come to find that was exactly what it was. I began to dismiss the anger he had towards me, the unkind words, his thoughtless behavior, and how he was verbally abusive to his children. All that began to matter to me was that he was with me despite my cancer. I realized I felt so dam unworthy that I let myself stay in this bad relationship. And then I wanted out. It was then that he finally showed his true colors during a fight that went a little something like this...

"I just can't do this anymore. . . this isn't working" I said

"What are you talking about? What do you mean?" he asked with a puzzled look on his face.

"You know what I mean. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I'm sorry."

"What? After everything I did for you? This is how you thank me? Like this?" he said with an angered look on his face.

I stopped and wondered for a second just what he meant by that and almost didn't want to know. Unfortunately he quickly cleared up my confusion.

"You have no idea what I have done for someone like you." he said.

"Just what do you mean someone like me?" I asked

"You know. . . someone with cancer. You think there are alot of guys out there who would want to be with a girl who has cancer?"

In that moment he confirmed every fear I had about no man wanting to be with me because I had cancer. I had put him on some sort of pedestal he didn't deserve. I wondered if he was right.

Although I was angry at myself for wasting precious time with someone who was not worthy of it I did feel proud of myself for being strong enough to walk away despite all the fear.

How did cancer affect your relationships? Did you ever feel undateable because of cancer? Have you let yourself stay in a bad relationship because of your cancer? Did you find yourself reacting different to relationships than you had before your diagnosis?

His First Relationship

I read somewhere that if a man treats his mother well than it is a good chance that he will treat all the women in his life that way.  It is a barometer to his relationships with women.  It got me to thinking about the men I had been with over the years.  This rings true in so many ways.  I thought about my dad who was abandoned by his mother when he was just a year old.  I thought about how he treated my mom and me.  He had a bad relationship with both of us.  Maybe because the first woman in his life left him.  

Then I thought about my first husband Paul.  He loved his mother and would have done anything for her.  She was a huge part of his life.  He treated her with respect and loved her unconditionally.  Paul and I had a wonderful relationship full of love and respect.  He treated me so well I wondered what was wrong with him!  

The string of guys I dated after Paul died who treated me badly all had bad relationships with their moms.  I didn't think about this at the time but only in hindsight.  If I had know would it have made a difference?  Probably not.  I still would have had to learn from the experience of being with them.  My relationship with my dad affected me greatly and made it hard for me to realize my worth when it came to relationships.

My husband Lou had just lost his mom to cancer a month before we met.  Although I never got to meet her I could tell from him that she was an important woman in his life.  She let him know that the sun rose and set with him. She made him feel like he could do anything and be good at it.  He was very respectful of her and loved her dearly.  Lou is the only other man I ever met that has treated me well.  I wonder if it is because of his good relationship with his mom.

Have you heard this theory?  Does it make you think about the men in your life?  Does it ring true?

Bitch Board

As I hung up the phone last nite I felt drained. Like the life was literally sucked right out of me. I felt angry, sad, and guilty all at the same time. Is that possible? To have so many feelings all at once. Is it possible to be so mad at yourself for not speaking up and just taking sh** that you could scream?

My whole life I have struggled in our relationship, I have struggled with my feelings for you. Love and hate intertwined together with me unable to untie the knot. When I was a little girl all I longed to do was make you happy, make you proud of me. I tried and tried. Tried to be good, and polite, and always do what I was told. I feared you. The alcohol always won. I could never beat it. It had taken over you, taken over our lives.

It has taken me many years to forgive. And now that you have cancer, now that you are dying, the little girl inside is trying to figure out how to save you. She is trying to figure out how to make you happy if even for a minute. But again you are lost. Lost in your own hell. The hell you have created for yourself. I have realized that this is your path, your journey, one that I cannot lay out for you nor can I get in the way.

I called you last nite to talk for a while but as usual I barely did any talking. I listened to your complaints feeling guilty because of the cancer. Maybe that is why I listened for so long. For 2 hours. Maybe that is why I felt selfish. Selfish for wanting you to ask me how I was doing. Instead I became your bitching board again.

Just because you have cancer doesn’t mean that I will put myself out in the line of fire. It is called self preservation and it is what I have to do for me.

I am not strong enough….the board is beginning to break……

What I Didn't Tell You...

What I didn’t tell you then was that I had cancer. I didn’t look like a sick person yet. It was our third date, I had started my chemo and as I walked up the stairs to your apartment I noticed shedding hair on my white shirt. Luckily my boob sans its headlight was hidden underneath.

As I brushed the hair away and reached the top I felt my heart pounding and I was out of breath. And not in a good way. Not in the “I am excited to see you, butterflies in my stomach” kind of way. It was my surgery and chemo fatigue setting in and I didn’t want you to know.

As I stopped to catch my breath there you were in the doorway smiling. Smiling at me……the cancer patient. This was to become my new identity.

I didn’t want to tell you that I was afraid I might die, I didn’t want to tell you my hair was falling out. I just wanted you to like me. I didn’t want cancer to scare you away. I was angry that it was taking away my life but not by my death. Which is worse I wondered….actually dying or having a life and not truly living??

I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you would leave, I thought it would push you away……and that is exactly what it did.