Happy Spring!

Today I thought about what kinds of things I love about spring.  I took this picture last year of  my neighbors magnolia tree.  It is big and beautiful and I can see it from my living room window.  I love to watch it bloom and wish the flowers stayed longer.  

I love turning the clocks back and having extra daylight.  I love having my windows open for the sweet breezes to blow by.  The air smells different.  I want to be outside.  I want to go hiking.  

I have a seasonal waterview of the reservoir across the street from my house.  It is a beautiful view and  is the only thing I miss when the leaves fill in on the trees.  During the gloomy winter it is nice to see the water as it brings some beauty to the coldness around me.  My favorite seasons are spring and fall.  I just like that perfect 60-70 degrees.  I wish it lasted all year round. 

What are some things you love about spring?

Control

I long for the days when the word control for me was just the title to one of my favorite Janet songs circa 1986.  Back then I was a junior in high school and one of the few  problems I had at the time was finding a date for the prom which by the way was  unsuccessful.  I hadn't yet come in contact with one single person who had cancer.  I rarely ever thought of the word.  

Then bad things started happening.  My parents divorce when I was 18, my husbands death when I was 25, and thinking it couldn't get any worse, a diagnosis of cancer at only 31 years old.  I am not a controlling person perse when it comes to the people in my life.  The control freak in me comes out about things like my diet,  my daily routine, exercise or lack thereof, and obsessing over my health.  All of which stems from fear.   Fear of losing people close to me, fear of failure, fear of cancer recurrence and the list goes on.

The hardest part to control though is my mind and all the crazy thoughts running through it on a daily basis.  It is much easier for me to control what I eat and how much exercise I get in order for me to try and maintain my health.  If I miss a day with my juicer I get cranky and start obsessing not realizing that the obsessing is just as bad if not worse for me that just missing a juicing day.  I hate that it is hard for me to control bad thoughts.  

I know that immersing myself in what I love to do helps.  But getting those things started seem so overwhelming sometimes and I can't help but wonder why.  I wish it wasn't so hard for me.  Each day I try a little harder, each day I try to find myself amidst the mess in my head.  

How about you?  Would love to hear from those who can relate!

Burt's Bee's Please...

I am a contributing blogger over at the Stupid Cancer Blog. If you haven't done so already it is worth checking out for all the latest news and issues surrounding young adult cancer survivors written with wit and irreverance. Last month I wrote a blog post "Toxic Kisses" about lead in lipstick. In my journey as a cancer survivor I started to look at many things in a different light including how I treat my body and what stuff is in my skin care and cometics. And in my quest to find healthier cosmetics I have happily found a lip product from Burt's Bee's that I wanted to share. They are natural lip shimmers sans chemicals and crap. The lip shimmers impressed me with the wide range of colors, how they apply like a lipstick and have pretty good staying power. The peppermint flavor is great too. In addition to the lip shimmers there are lip glosses as well in pretty colors with a citrus flavor. I am officially hooked! For all the money I used to pay for toxic lipsticks these are really affordable and I often mix and match colors together.

Anyone else tried these or any of the Burt's Bee's products? Do tell!

Jon and Kate Plus 8

A few weeks ago I went to a book signing at the Palisades Mall to meet Kate Gosselin from Jon and Kate Plus 8 the reality show on TLC.  She signed copies of her book Multiple Blessings.  This book was an easy read and gave alot of insight into her experience being pregnant with sextuplets and raising 8 little ones, more than you see on the show.  I had now idea how crazy it would be and how many people would show up!  There was something like 500 people there.  I had to wait over 2 hours but it was worth it.  Very cool to meet her for a brief second!   

I don't know what it is about the show that keeps me tuning in every week.  Maybe its the cute kids or how real Jon and Kate are or how amazed I am at watching them take care of all those children!   I have enough trouble with one little dog!  I cannot even begin to imagine what a tough job they have.  I think it is great that they let the cameras in to their world to share their story.  I am sure they are inspiring many a parent out there.  

I quickly shot a few pictures before we were rushed through the long line.  I love her haircut too!  I am no stranger to short hair.  Now I may just have to go back to it again just in time for the summer!  

Anyone else watch the show?

No Babies

When Paul and I were married he told me he wanted 5 children.  I told him he was crazy.  But at the time I remember wanting to have them too.  Not that many though maybe one or two.  I wondered if it was really what I wanted or I would have done it for him.  He loved kids.  I on the other hand was always uncomfortable around them.  Except when I was a kid myself and I used to babysit as an early teen.  

After Paul died that part of me died as well.  My life had changed so drastically, so tragically that I was unsure of who I was without him.  Unsure of what the rest of my life was meant to be.  Unsure of what I wanted.  As the years piled up in my life after Paul I started to wonder if I really wanted to have a baby.  I had a couple of friends who had this longing to be a mother.  I just never felt that myself.  I started to think that it would be ok if I never had that experience this time around.  I didn't have a ticking clock either.  

Then when cancer came a knockin, my life was again in a tailspin.  The last thing on my mind was having a family.  Hell, at the time I was still searching for the right guy.  So when my oncologist talked to me about freezing some of my eggs before my chemo began I said no.  I couldn't even think straight.  I just remember wanting to live never mind planning to bring a new life into the world.  The longing just wasn't there.  Chemo threw me into menopause at 32 years old and lessened my chances of ever having a baby.  And I am ok with that.  And as I get older I realize that I really don't want kids, I am happily married again and love just having my dog.  He is my furkid.  

I cannot imagine what a hard job it is to be a parent.  As the years go by I look back and realize how tough my parents must have had it raising two kids so young.  I don't know how the hell they did it.  But I guess like many things in life, they just did.  And I am grateful to them no matter what the circumstances or mistakes or difficulties.  

Sometimes I feel like the odd one out.  There is a lot of pressure out there to have kids when you are married and those that don't leave people wondering why.  When someone asks me if I am married the very next question out of their mouth always is "Do you have kids?"  and when my response is no they then ask "What are you waiting for?"

I am used to the funny look I get when I tell them that my husband and I don't want to have children.  Although it is most likely that cancer made that decision for me I can't help but wonder if that is why I always felt deep within my soul somewhere that in this life I wasn't meant to have that experience. 

And I am ok with that.  

Top 10 of 25 Random Things About Me

Anyone else addicted to facebook? I sure am and don't know why! It has been fun though reconnecting with old friends and new ones, sharing photos and catching up. Something that has been going around facebook is a list of 25 Random Things. At first I didn't know if I could fill up the list but it was fun. I enjoyed reading the lists of friends as well. I thought I would share some of my list here on the blog. Here is the top 10 or this post will be waaayyy too long!

1. I love to sing and wish I had a better voice!

2. I love to dance and miss the days when I would go clubbing with friends to Webster Hall in NYC!

3. I am so in love with my pug Bosco that it scares me.

4. I am afraid of flying although it hasn't kept me from traveling. I just hate every second I am in the air.

5. I hate to cook much to the dismay of my husband Lou!

6. I love to go to newport, RI and want to live there someday.

7. I always wanted to live in a house by the beach, hek, I still do!

8. I am a total procrastinator. Always cramming the nite before exams, everything last minute. Why can't I just get it done! lol

9. When I was a kid I saw dead people. They didn't scare me at all. I found out years later from seeing pictures that they were dead family members. I believe in life after death and that those who pass on can communicate with us from the other side. I have been to mediums over the years and find comfort in hearing from those I have lost.

10. I believe that everything happens for a reason even the bad stuff because of what it can teach you about the person you are.

What's in your top 10?

OCD Much?

My mind has been racing these days and not always to good places.  It feels cluttered with the past.  That makes it hard to move forward.  And then I feel a loss of control.  Then there's my OCD.  Self diagnosed of course.  I think it is how I try to control things which is a mirage anyway right?  

My OCD tendencies make me disorganized and sometimes late.  Of course I didn't turn out to be obsessive over organizing or cleanliness.  I obsess over stuff like locking the door and making sure the oven is off even if I haven't used it a couple of days.  And then there is my health.  A little bump on my skin or a headache send my into a tailspin sometimes. If I miss a day of using my juicer I obsess over that too not realizing that all the obsessing is bad for my  health!  Sometimes I give too much weight to what I eat and not enough to the health of my mind.  

I need to spend more time being creative.  Aside from my writing I have dropped all the other creative activities I used to enjoy like taking pictures, beading, listening to music, reading and then there's exercising.  My daily walks outside have been kyboshed by the freezing temps and I haven't been able to drag myself to a gym or even a mall to walk like I used to.  

I need to take just one step.  A step toward getting my mind back on track and then my body will follow.

Can anyone relate?