Friday, February 20, 2009

No Babies

When Paul and I were married he told me he wanted 5 children.  I told him he was crazy.  But at the time I remember wanting to have them too.  Not that many though maybe one or two.  I wondered if it was really what I wanted or I would have done it for him.  He loved kids.  I on the other hand was always uncomfortable around them.  Except when I was a kid myself and I used to babysit as an early teen.  

After Paul died that part of me died as well.  My life had changed so drastically, so tragically that I was unsure of who I was without him.  Unsure of what the rest of my life was meant to be.  Unsure of what I wanted.  As the years piled up in my life after Paul I started to wonder if I really wanted to have a baby.  I had a couple of friends who had this longing to be a mother.  I just never felt that myself.  I started to think that it would be ok if I never had that experience this time around.  I didn't have a ticking clock either.  

Then when cancer came a knockin, my life was again in a tailspin.  The last thing on my mind was having a family.  Hell, at the time I was still searching for the right guy.  So when my oncologist talked to me about freezing some of my eggs before my chemo began I said no.  I couldn't even think straight.  I just remember wanting to live never mind planning to bring a new life into the world.  The longing just wasn't there.  Chemo threw me into menopause at 32 years old and lessened my chances of ever having a baby.  And I am ok with that.  And as I get older I realize that I really don't want kids, I am happily married again and love just having my dog.  He is my furkid.  

I cannot imagine what a hard job it is to be a parent.  As the years go by I look back and realize how tough my parents must have had it raising two kids so young.  I don't know how the hell they did it.  But I guess like many things in life, they just did.  And I am grateful to them no matter what the circumstances or mistakes or difficulties.  

Sometimes I feel like the odd one out.  There is a lot of pressure out there to have kids when you are married and those that don't leave people wondering why.  When someone asks me if I am married the very next question out of their mouth always is "Do you have kids?"  and when my response is no they then ask "What are you waiting for?"

I am used to the funny look I get when I tell them that my husband and I don't want to have children.  Although it is most likely that cancer made that decision for me I can't help but wonder if that is why I always felt deep within my soul somewhere that in this life I wasn't meant to have that experience. 

And I am ok with that.  

1 comment:

Kairol Rosenthal said...

I have never wanted to have children. Even though I still have cancer, I am likely fertile. I wish I could magically transport my abilities to one of the many young cancer patients I know who are infertile and aching for kids. I've got no use for this equipment.

I used to get strange looks when I said to people I don't have kids. Now I get looks of extreme jealousy because I have amended my answer to: "My husband and I are not into having kids and we love staying up till 3AM, drinking wine, reading the dictionary, and editing each others' writing. We are in love with our jobs." Suddenly instead of looking like a freak, people tell me how wise I am for not having kids.