Qigong . . . It Quiets My Mind

I wanted to share with you one of the things I have found that really helps me with stress relief and quiets my busy mind. I never gave any of this a thought until after I went through my cancer experience and began to look at how I was treating my body. I wanted to learn how to keep it well. And not only my body but my mind as well.

Although I do have my photography, writing, and daily walks this practice of Qigong really helps to center me and relax my neck muscles very quickly. It focuses on moving the Chi throughout your body, the energy each of us has around and within us. When our Chi doesn't move it can cause havoc on the body. I hold alot of tension in my neck muscles which causes headaches. I also have anxiety attacks from time to time mostly caused by my busy mind that never shuts off. It is very easy to do and involves breathing techniques combined with flowing body movements. When I am done my neck is instantly loose and I feel a calmness that I wish stayed with me longer.

This video is a good overview of the purpose and benefits of Qigong. Daisy Lee Garripoli is a wonderful instructor and I have used her instructional dvd's for a few years now. For more info on Qigong and Daisy Lee visit her website HERE.

What do you do to quiet your mind and handle daily stress? Have you ever tried Qigong?

Painting And Creating. . .

I cannot believe I am sharing this but here it is.  This is my second attempt at a new creative outlet.  The first one was not suitable to share.  I actually hate what I did.  But if I really take a look I would realize it speaks about the state of my mind lately.  It is very busy and cluttered.  But rather than give up I decided to give it another try.  I was thinking cherry blossom as I was painting this one.    I had never even held a brush before.    So I bought a book about painting with acrylic.  I read it from cover to cover and then headed to the craft store to pick up some supplies.  It is no secret that I love photography.  To me that is art.  I create with my camera what I capture through the lens.  I have always wanted to paint.  I was intimidated with the thought of trying to create something from imagination.  Something without that lens.  I was only to rely on my mind.  

I remember when I was in the fourth grade I won an art contest.  It was a blue first place ribbon.  I used pastels to make a butterfly.  I was so proud of what I had done.  I never expected to win.  It certainly wasn't the best of the class.    It is a memory that has stayed clear in my mind for all these years.  I no longer have that ribbon nor do I have the drawing.   I only have the memory of it in my head.  Then life got in the way and as I grew older I never felt good enough or confident enough to pursue any of my artistic interests.  Not even writing.

Although I was less than pleased with my first painting I have to say I enjoyed the process.  I was excited to be brushing color onto the canvas.  To be creating in a different medium.  To be trying something new.  I was lost in the moment of what I was doing as much as I do when I am behind my camera lens.  The noise in my head began to quiet down and I lost all track of time.  That is why creating is so important for me.  It always helps me deal with fear and anxiety.  It brings me into a moment, into the present.  

I wish I knew how to do just that on my own.  Until then I am glad I have found new ways to step outside of myself.  I will try not to be discouraged with the product and enjoy the process. . .

Do you paint?  What made you pick up that brush?  What ways does creativity help you?  Any advice for this newbie painter?

It's The Waiting Room. . . What Do You Do??

Yesterday I had a 6 month boob checkup at Sloan with my surgeon and after 8 years I still get super anxious.   Monday nite I started with a headache and by yesterday morning I felt sick to my stomach.  Somehow I thought that it would be an easy appointment.  Just a breast exam and no scans.  But alas...I was WRONG!  I felt a teeny bit less stressed being scan free but I still hated going.  

My husband always goes with me to my doc dates.  Yesterday I told him he didn't have to go.  I don't even know why.  Maybe I wanted to see if I could go it alone.  Maybe to prove to myself I was strong enough.  It was the first time in all these years I went to see any of my doctors on my own.  And I drove to the city.  It was just too dam hot to take the train and subway. 

As I entered the building and caught a whiff of that familiar smell I felt my palms start to sweat.  My inner dialogue began.  It went something like this..."You are fine.  You are not going to have a panic attack right now.  You are healthy and nothing bad will happen."  Sometimes it works. Sometimes I have to say that out loud to myself no matter how bat shit crazy I may seem at the time.  

When my name was called and the assistant asked me  how I was doing I almost snapped back at her  "I would be alot better if I wasn't HERE"  but I resisted the urge.  As she handed me the gown instructing me to open to the front I thought to myself "Yeah, yeah, I know girlie, not my first time unfortunately."  As you can tell I get a little bitchy when I am a nervous wreck.  I will never understand why the hell they leave you in the examining room for so dam long.  By the time 30 minutes had passed I was in super pacing mode like a caged animal looking to break free.  My palms were sweating again and my inner dialogue was lost on me.  Nothing was working.  I refused to sit on the table and wait so I continued to pace that cubicle of a room until she finally walked in.  

After all the travel time and the hour of angst my exam lasted all of 5 minutes.  Thankfully the boobs checked out fine.  No palpable lumps or bumps in them or my arm pits.  As I breathed a sigh of relief she told me to come back in 6 months for my mammo and followup visit. 

As I stepped out onto the pavement on 64th street and headed to my car I wondered if it would ever get easier.  I wondered if it would ever feel like a "normal" doctor appointment.  And then I stopped and thought  "What the hell is normal anyway?"

How do you handle your doc appointments?  Do you have any crazy rituals you use to maintain your sanity in the waiting room?  Do ever wonder if the post treatment anxiety will ever end?  

Associated Reactions. . . Ever Have 'Em??

In my recent post on how smells affected our memory I neglected to write about my associated reaction with the Metro North Train to NYC.  Since surviving cancer my love of NYC has been somewhat tainted.  I had all of my surgery, treatment, and followup visits at Sloan Kettering in the city.  I feel very grateful to have found doctors I love at such a great hospital.  But all the trips into the city for chemo, and multiple train rides to followup tests and the like now tend to make me sick.  And I mean that literally.

Whenever I take the train to one of my doc appointments I start to fell sick from when I wake up that morning.  I feel nauseous, have a headache, and get the runs.  This happens without fail.  By the time I am boarding the train the first whiff of the pleather seats and urine sends me into a tailspin.  It reminds me of being sick, of needle sticks and  MRI machines.  So when I would hop the train to something fun in the city like going to dinner with my husband, or meeting a friend for a day of shopping the same thing would happen.  It has been so dam frustrating.  Who wants to feel sick when you are supposed to be going to have fun.  I didn't know how to tell that part of my brain that my train ride wasn't about cancer.  I theorized that the more fun things I went to the city for I would feel less of the associated reaction.  The bad experiences out weighted the good ones.

Until yesterday.  I think I finally had a breakthrough.  This past month I have had 3 trips to the city which is alot for me.  I saw a friend for dinner a couple of weeks ago, then Tuesday on my birthday and then yesterday I hopped the train by myself to meet a friend for lunch.  I woke up yesterday with trepidation hoping I wouldn't feel the headache and stomach pains.  And amazingly I didn't.  By the time I got to the train station and was boarding I happily noticed that I did not feel sick at all.  I actually felt pretty good.  No anxiety or sickness.  And that made me happy!  Finally a good train ride!  I had a great time with my friend and on the train home felt good that I have made progress.  I can only hope it continues.

Do you ever have associated reactions such as this?  Does it ever make you anxious or frustrated?  How do you deal?

I Had Cancer. . . . Does That Revoke My Right to Sweat the Small Stuff??

I have been pondering this a lot lately.  Probably because I have been struggling with an anxious mind in recent days.   When I am anxious I worry.  When I worry I tend to complain.   I hate when I am like that.  

I swore to myself that if I survived cancer I would never complain again.  Not about a bad hair day or even a bad day at work.  I wonder how I thought I could pull that off.  I felt so grateful to still be alive I was afraid to complain.  I felt as though complaining about anything meant I didn't feel glad to have survived.  I felt like I had no right to.  Sometimes as a cancer survivor I feel as though I should be dancing and singing through each and everyday.  I put this expectation on myself to never feel bad.  And then I just worry about that!  I live with alot of anxiety of my cancer coming back, or losing my husband as I lost my first one.  I don't know how to find balance...inside my head.  

Don't get me wrong, I have many a great day.  I have many days when I am dancing like nobody is watching and laughing, and just being happy.  But I still struggle with my "after cancer" life and feel guilty for the struggle.  I put way to much pressure on myself striving for perfection in my life since having faced my own mortality.  I am kind to others but the one person I need to be kinder to is myself.  

Do you ever feel bad when you sweat the small stuff?  How do you find balance?  Are you a glass half full or half empty kinda person?  

Caffine, Nicotine, or Ice Cream...What's Your Drug of Choice??

I know I will be presenting myself as a fuddy duddy here but for me it is ice cream of the chocolate variety.  I have never smoked, don't drink, have never even been drunk for that matter although I do believe once I was buzzed from one too many Pink Lemonade's during a girl's weekend away in Newport.   I liked that buzz so much that I made sure I steered clear of alcohol.  Actually it was probably having a father who was an alcoholic  that kept me clean.  And I got cancer anyway which is a topic for another post.  

Back to the ice cream.  When I feel sad  or anxious sometimes I reach for the tasty treats.  Typically for me that is ice cream.  Although I do wish sometimes that I had a drug to take or a drink depending on my level of anxiety so in that sense I can see why some people become addicted.  Both of my parents smoked and when my dad quit drinking he smoked even more.  The nicotine is a depressant, it calms you.  I notice since my mom quit smoking 5 years ago she is now as my grandma would say "high anxiety".  

I think anything in excess is bad.  I try to keep my ice cream addiction under control.  I don't want to see it on my hips.  I suppose there are worse things I could be doing...

What's your drug of choice?  Is there something specific you find yourself reaching for when you feel screwed up in the head?  How do you not let it get out of hand? 

Shutterbuggin

I was surprised I grabbed my camera that morning.  I hadn't so much as touched it in a while.  And I am not sure why.  Photography has become a needed hobby of mine.  Something necessary to keep me grounded.  When my head gets all out of whack spending an hour snapping pictures takes me to another place.  It somehow gets me out of the crap in my head and into the present moment.  

This picture is a small table top fountain I have in the living room.  As I watched the water fall and drip, I thought about what a cool picture it could be.  The light was beaming through the window casting shadows.  Leaning left, then right, then stepping to the other side I smiled as I tried to get the best angle.  I was eager to see the result.  I love the look of black and white and even sepia.  I must have taken twenty shots of that fountain as the sun slowly moved in the sky. 

I often look at everyday things and its like I am viewing it through the camera lens.  Moments like that distract me and quiet the noise rambling around in my head.   All too often  I think about the past, worry about the future and miss the present.  

It is a way to deal with my anxiety and fear.  It is part of how I deal with life after cancer.  And besides all that....its fun!

Come to think of it....I need to get shutterbuggin!

Is there something you do to quiet your mind?  How do you handle fear?  What gets you to stop and feel the moment?