Whenever I take the train to one of my doc appointments I start to fell sick from when I wake up that morning. I feel nauseous, have a headache, and get the runs. This happens without fail. By the time I am boarding the train the first whiff of the pleather seats and urine sends me into a tailspin. It reminds me of being sick, of needle sticks and MRI machines. So when I would hop the train to something fun in the city like going to dinner with my husband, or meeting a friend for a day of shopping the same thing would happen. It has been so dam frustrating. Who wants to feel sick when you are supposed to be going to have fun. I didn't know how to tell that part of my brain that my train ride wasn't about cancer. I theorized that the more fun things I went to the city for I would feel less of the associated reaction. The bad experiences out weighted the good ones.
Until yesterday. I think I finally had a breakthrough. This past month I have had 3 trips to the city which is alot for me. I saw a friend for dinner a couple of weeks ago, then Tuesday on my birthday and then yesterday I hopped the train by myself to meet a friend for lunch. I woke up yesterday with trepidation hoping I wouldn't feel the headache and stomach pains. And amazingly I didn't. By the time I got to the train station and was boarding I happily noticed that I did not feel sick at all. I actually felt pretty good. No anxiety or sickness. And that made me happy! Finally a good train ride! I had a great time with my friend and on the train home felt good that I have made progress. I can only hope it continues.
Do you ever have associated reactions such as this? Does it ever make you anxious or frustrated? How do you deal?
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I went through my wardrobe today and saw a long winter coat I bought just before being dxd with breat cancer. It was on offer then, has a great cut, figure-hugging, nips me in at the waist + it's a warm woolen coat, excellent for winter walks. I wore it a couple of times for errands&while shopping for some gear to take to the hospital...Haven't put it on once since. Even looking at it just now, brings mixed emotions: a smile, wow what great coat, I forgot I had this, immediately followed by a darkness&difficult memories that fall onto me...Ugh, cancer sucks.
Hi Ria, That is an interesting reaction. That sucks that something you enjoyed wearing brings on dark memories. I have had that happen with clothes too...a favorite sweatshirt and sweatpants I wore when I was in the hospital after surgery because they were easy to put on and comfortable. After that I wore them during treatment sometimes and got rid of them after I had gone through all of that. I just couldn't bring myself to wear them again. Too much of a reminder of cancer. thanks for sharing that Ria....
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