Are You A Germaphobe??

I have worked in a hospital setting for 18 years.  As an OT I have had to take all types of patients in the shower and to the toilet to assist them with their daily cares from those on ventilators, to post surgical patients with wounds, and those recovering from strokes.  So I have had my moments of having to dodge phlegm spouting at me, coughs, MRSA, and all other types of germy stuff.  Years ago I never gave it a second thought.  It was just what I did for a living.  I certainly took the necessary precautions like plastic gowns, masks, and of course gloves hoping that would be enough protection.  I wore nice clothing back then, dressy even.  I have had to go through many a lecture on the job about handwashing techniques.  I never obsessed over it.  That is until now.

I think it started when I was going through my cancer treatment.  I had to work full time in a hospital while I was getting poison that killed my immune system.  Needless to say I was a little concerned.  My oncologist said it was ok as long as I didn't have to work with the very sick patients who had the most bugs.  I was lucky to have had a supervisor that made sure of just that.  That was 8 years ago.

Then I started watching Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay and my fear of germs took a bad turn.  I was riveted watching each episode and getting way grossed out each time.  I started thinking too much about what goes on in the restaurants I frequent.  I started to not want to go out to eat, and if I did I was super particular about where and even then would practically all but inspect everything on my plate as well as the plate itself and of course the silverware.  Unfortunately we eat home alot more but that has saved us some dough so I guess it is not all bad.  

Now when I go to my OT job I obsessively use purell.   I wear scrubs which go right into the laundry the second I get home.  And then the rest of me goes in the shower.  Things I never did years ago when I first started my OT work.  I don't know which is worse...the me then or the me now.  I have a little purell bottle that goes everywhere with me.  I run through that stuff like mad.  After I use the carts at the grocery store, after I ride the train or subway in the city, and don't even ask how I handle the public bathroom situation.   My husband just laughs at how obsessive I am with it.  I think I have gone way overboard or have I?

Anyone else willing to admit to being a germaphobe?  How do you handle yourself in potentially germy situations?  Do you leave the house with your trusty bottle of purell like moi?  Do you ever wonder what goes on back in the kitchen of your favorite restaurants?  Did you worry more during your treatments because of a shitty immune system?  

What's That Smell??

Throughout my life I have always had a heightened sense of smell.  And that sense in particular has always been very connected to my memory.  Some of my favorite smells are my Amarige perfume, lavendar, buttercream scented candles, fresh linens, my grandma's gravy (what we italians called sauce, oh how I miss it), my  husbands cologne, and the smell of the ocean.  Some of the smells I hate are bandaids, cigarette smoke, fresh cut grass, the inside of a hospital as well as the more obvious ones!

Whenever I enter a room, or my car, or even outside its often the first question I ask.  And depending on what it is I will be flooded with memories. When I go to Sloan for my checkups the second I enter the office building the smell nearly knocks me down...the familiarity of it.  Its a stark reminder of what I have been through.  It brings all fear back to me.   By the same token though the smell of my husbands cologne lingering in the house after he leaves makes me smile and feel a comfort.  When I was growing up my grandma made gravy every Sunday.  I miss that smell.  It always made me feel good in a house that was riddled by fighting and yelling.  On some Sundays when I make that same gravy I smile and think of her.  

During my treatment I would bring something with me that smelled good to me, like a piece of cloth doused with my favorite perfume or lavendar oil.  It helped me to deal with the smell of sickness all around me in the hospital.  Sometimes it worked and other times it didn't but I felt it was worth a try.  

Do you find that certain smells trigger your memory?  If so what are they?  How do you deal with those smells that trigger unpleasant memories?

Caffine, Nicotine, or Ice Cream...What's Your Drug of Choice??

I know I will be presenting myself as a fuddy duddy here but for me it is ice cream of the chocolate variety.  I have never smoked, don't drink, have never even been drunk for that matter although I do believe once I was buzzed from one too many Pink Lemonade's during a girl's weekend away in Newport.   I liked that buzz so much that I made sure I steered clear of alcohol.  Actually it was probably having a father who was an alcoholic  that kept me clean.  And I got cancer anyway which is a topic for another post.  

Back to the ice cream.  When I feel sad  or anxious sometimes I reach for the tasty treats.  Typically for me that is ice cream.  Although I do wish sometimes that I had a drug to take or a drink depending on my level of anxiety so in that sense I can see why some people become addicted.  Both of my parents smoked and when my dad quit drinking he smoked even more.  The nicotine is a depressant, it calms you.  I notice since my mom quit smoking 5 years ago she is now as my grandma would say "high anxiety".  

I think anything in excess is bad.  I try to keep my ice cream addiction under control.  I don't want to see it on my hips.  I suppose there are worse things I could be doing...

What's your drug of choice?  Is there something specific you find yourself reaching for when you feel screwed up in the head?  How do you not let it get out of hand? 

Shutterbuggin

I was surprised I grabbed my camera that morning.  I hadn't so much as touched it in a while.  And I am not sure why.  Photography has become a needed hobby of mine.  Something necessary to keep me grounded.  When my head gets all out of whack spending an hour snapping pictures takes me to another place.  It somehow gets me out of the crap in my head and into the present moment.  

This picture is a small table top fountain I have in the living room.  As I watched the water fall and drip, I thought about what a cool picture it could be.  The light was beaming through the window casting shadows.  Leaning left, then right, then stepping to the other side I smiled as I tried to get the best angle.  I was eager to see the result.  I love the look of black and white and even sepia.  I must have taken twenty shots of that fountain as the sun slowly moved in the sky. 

I often look at everyday things and its like I am viewing it through the camera lens.  Moments like that distract me and quiet the noise rambling around in my head.   All too often  I think about the past, worry about the future and miss the present.  

It is a way to deal with my anxiety and fear.  It is part of how I deal with life after cancer.  And besides all that....its fun!

Come to think of it....I need to get shutterbuggin!

Is there something you do to quiet your mind?  How do you handle fear?  What gets you to stop and feel the moment?

Do you remember the first Michael Jackson song you ever heard?

I was about 9 when I heard the song Rock With You  from his Off the Wall album.  I remember being in the kitchen with my mom and her friend as they were getting ready to go out.  I wished I could go with them.  I didn't want to stay home with my drunk father who was passed out sleeping upstairs.  But the girls were having a nite out on the town.  Whenever I hear that song I am returned to that moment in my childhood be it good or bad.  Music has always been that for me.  Kind of  like a touchstone to my history.

 

 

A much better memory comes to mind with the first MJ album I bought with a few bucks I saved.  I was 13 and Thriller had just come out.  The best of the best in my opinion.  Beat It was the sh** back then.  I had just gotten my first boom box with a tape deck.  All the kids had them but mostly boys who walked down the street with it on their shoulder and base pumping.  It was a cool spring nite and my friend Lisa and I were outside testing out my new box.  I was giddy with excitement.  As I pressed the play button that was the size of a piece of bazooka gum and heard the beat start I grabbed the silver handle.   Lisa and I proceeded to strut down the block and around the corner with MJ's Beat It blasting.  We thought we were so dam cool.  Just us, the music, under the streetlights.  I don't remember how many times we circled the development of townhouses where we both lived.  I think until my mom came out and yelled to me it was time to come in.  It is one of the few memories I have of feeling carefree in my childhood.  

My husband and I were in the car yesterday when we heard the news on the radio.  I turned the volume up in disbelief.  Then I got chills and tears in my eyes.  Its not like I knew the guy or anything so I wondered why the tears?  As I drove on I thought about that moment on that street with my beat box blasting MJ.  It felt as though a part of my growing up was taken away. 

My heart goes out to his friends and family as well to those of Farrah and lest not forget Ed.  Wow, what a week...

Do you remember the first MJ song you heard?  Was it a good memory?  Does music jostle you memory?  When icons like this die how do you feel?

Twentysomethings...Miss Being One??

I am going to age myself with this post but here goes!  As I approach my 40th birthday next month (did I just say that?!)  I can't help but reflect on my life, ponder years gone by.  A new decade is upon me.  It is both exciting and scary at the same time.  Having had cancer at 31, I was just ecstatic to see 32!.  Now I feel proud and excited to be staring 40 in the face.

I was watching the SATC Movie, for the upteenth time, the other nite and it got me to thinking about my 20's.  As I watched the opening scene where Carrie is strutting down a NYC street and passes by a four pack of twentysomething girls who appear to be mirror images of the famous foursome way back when I thought about how I wouldn't want to be in my 20's anymore.  

Despite the fact that I was widowed at 25 which I felt like nearly ruined me, what I thought about was how I felt inside as far as knowing who I was.  I had no freakin clue!  Even before I was married, before the accident took everything away from me.  I had just graduated from OT school, started my career and was engaged.  I was so in love, and so happy to be starting my life.  A life away from my parents to one with Paul.  But inside there was alot of self doubt, poor self esteem, and fear.  I had no idea where life would take me.  I hadn't yet connected with my true self.  

Today I feel like I am doing what I have always been meant to do.  Being a writer and having the opportunity to share my story are what I feel excited about doing.  I have more clarity these days, I take better care of myself,  I enjoy more of the quiet moments.  Although I have to say that I do miss going out clubbing in NYC, staying out till 5am, and sleeping most of the following day away recovering.  I enjoyed much more of a nitelife back then in my single days.  I still love music and dancing but today it is mostly done in my own living room with my dog watching me as I dance from one end of the room to the other....basking in the moment.

Do you miss your 20's?  If you could turn back the clock would you ever go back?  What do you like more about yourself now?  What do you feel has shaped you into who you are today?

The Hair Thing

On  SATC when Samantha was diagnosed with breast cancer and faced losing her hair she went wig shopping. As she sat in the chair trying on a few wigs, disliking most of them, she told the wig guy "my hair is my thing"  And isn't that so true.  I know it was for me.

I had a harder time losing my hair during chemo than losing my boob.  I hated wearing a wig and I didn't have the balls to rock the bald head.  Samantha had fun with wigs ranging in style from L'il Kim, to blond bombshell and even Foxy Brown.  She rocked them all.  I hated wearing mine and yet wouldn't leave the house without it.  Ironically though I received more compliments on my wig than I had on my real hair!  

I often wonder why hair is such a huge deal.  Especially for women.  Maybe because it is a part of our sexuality, a form of expression, and sometimes it is something we can hide behind.  And of course there is the belief that men love long hair.  I recently watched one of those makeover shows and the woman didn't care about the clothes they put her in or the makeup they put on her face.  Hell, they could've put warpaint on her face and she didn't seem to care.  But having her hair cut off short sent tears streaming down her cheeks within seconds.  The followup at the end of the episode showed her getting extensions.  Apparently a life without long hair was one she couldn't handle.  

I too have cried over a bad haircut and a bad color job until I was bald.  Now there's a bad hair day!  So I can't help but get mad at myself today if  I complain about my hair.  I certainly am much better about it and really don't shed tears over a bad haircut anymore.  I guess sometimes I feel like being a cancer survivor instantly revokes my right to sweat the small stuff at times.  

How did you handle the hair thing during your treatment?  Did you wig out or rock the bald head?  Did losing your hair make you appreciate it all the more when it grew back?