Best Moment of 2009 . . . Do You Have One?

As 2009 comes to a close I can't help but think about what a year it was. I always spend some time reflecting at the end of each year. The good, the bad, and the ugly. This year I want to focus on the positives. So I got to thinking. . . what was my favorite moment?

I don't have just one. It is hard to choose. There were many moments that were good. The one that stands out in my mind is the rerelease of my book Breastless in the City back in May. It has been my most exciting experience of the year. Having the wonderful opportunity to work on a new edition and share more of my life with others is a blessing to me. And the wonderful people I have met along the way has made it even more fun.

This was also a year I reconnected with old friends. Friends I hadn't spoken to in 20 years. That certainly has been another highlight of my year. Realizing that no matter how much time has passed it is like you can pick up where you left off. We may have more wrinkles on our skin but we are still the same inside!

It goes without saying that I am grateful for yet another year of good health. I celebrated my 8th year cancer free and my 6th wedding anniversary in May to a wonderful man.

I look forward to 2010 with hope for good health, good times, happiness, and love. And that is what I wish for all of you...

What is your favorite moment of 2009? Do you often reflect as one year comes to a close? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?

A Do Over. . . Would You Want One??

I recently saw a preview for the new season of Being Erica.  The premise of the show is a young woman who is in therapy and her therapist sends her back in time as part of her treatment.  She then has the opportunity to change her past and learn more about her family in the process.  I haven't seen it but I find the concept intriguing.  The concept of a "do over". The chance to change your past, how you treated others, things you may have said that you wish you could take back.  

So in thinking about my life I couldn't help but wonder if I would want to be in Erica's shoes.  I wondered if I would want that chance.  The I asked myself  if I was ok with my past as is.  The answer I came up with to that question was  yes.   Although there is one moment in time I have regretted for many years.  

It was the moment the Paul walked out the door the morning of his accident.  The last moment I saw him alive.  We had a fight that morning.    Nothing major, just a stupid quibble however it was enough to make both of us forget to say "I love you".  I took for granted that I would see him later that day.  And for years after I wished I had told him I loved him before he walked out the door.  Fifteen years later that regret has eased and I realize that he did know how much I loved him because I told him all the time.  But these days before my husband Lou leaves the house I always say "I love you".   And I always live with a little fear deep inside that it could be the last time.  

I try hard to not live with regrets.  I try to remember that the past is over and the future is uncertain but what is most important is to live in the moment.  And most of the time I talk a good game because that is the hardest part for me.  I watch my dog and realize how for him life is about moments and nothing more.  All he longs for is to laze around, go for walks outside, to lay in the sun, to eat, and to lay in our laps at nite.  I wish I could be more like him in that sense.  Just be in the moment.  And because of that he teaches me alot about life just through living his own.  

Would you want a "do over"?  Is there a moment in your life you wish you could change?  What is your biggest regret?  Have you seen the show "Being Erica"?

Flowers From A Stranger

This morning I headed to my local Trader Joe's for groceries.  While I was waiting at in line at the checkout a man cut in front of me.  I was startled but I am not one to make a fuss.  Something like that is certainly not worth getting upset about.  So I kept quiet and patiently waited till it was my turn.  

As I was packing my bags the cashier from the next lane over quickly showed up next to me with a bouquet of flowers.  I have to say I was startled.  

"These are for you free of charge for being so patient with that."  he said with a smile.  

"Awwww, thank you so much."  I responded wondering for a second what he was referring to.  I paused for a moment and realized that he must have meant the guy who cut in line. 

 I smiled to myself and thought about how I haven't gotten flowers in a long time.  I thought about how this was the first time I was ever acknowledged by or received flowers from a stranger.  It was a very sweet gesture and so unexpected.  Aren't those the best kind?

When I arrived home I enjoyed spending time cutting and arranging.   I couldn't help but break out my camera.  Now I am thinking that I need to buy some flowers for myself on occasion!

Has a stranger ever done something thoughtful for you?  How did it make you feel?  Have you ever done something for someone you didn't know?

Shutterbuggin

I was surprised I grabbed my camera that morning.  I hadn't so much as touched it in a while.  And I am not sure why.  Photography has become a needed hobby of mine.  Something necessary to keep me grounded.  When my head gets all out of whack spending an hour snapping pictures takes me to another place.  It somehow gets me out of the crap in my head and into the present moment.  

This picture is a small table top fountain I have in the living room.  As I watched the water fall and drip, I thought about what a cool picture it could be.  The light was beaming through the window casting shadows.  Leaning left, then right, then stepping to the other side I smiled as I tried to get the best angle.  I was eager to see the result.  I love the look of black and white and even sepia.  I must have taken twenty shots of that fountain as the sun slowly moved in the sky. 

I often look at everyday things and its like I am viewing it through the camera lens.  Moments like that distract me and quiet the noise rambling around in my head.   All too often  I think about the past, worry about the future and miss the present.  

It is a way to deal with my anxiety and fear.  It is part of how I deal with life after cancer.  And besides all that....its fun!

Come to think of it....I need to get shutterbuggin!

Is there something you do to quiet your mind?  How do you handle fear?  What gets you to stop and feel the moment?

Twentysomethings...Miss Being One??

I am going to age myself with this post but here goes!  As I approach my 40th birthday next month (did I just say that?!)  I can't help but reflect on my life, ponder years gone by.  A new decade is upon me.  It is both exciting and scary at the same time.  Having had cancer at 31, I was just ecstatic to see 32!.  Now I feel proud and excited to be staring 40 in the face.

I was watching the SATC Movie, for the upteenth time, the other nite and it got me to thinking about my 20's.  As I watched the opening scene where Carrie is strutting down a NYC street and passes by a four pack of twentysomething girls who appear to be mirror images of the famous foursome way back when I thought about how I wouldn't want to be in my 20's anymore.  

Despite the fact that I was widowed at 25 which I felt like nearly ruined me, what I thought about was how I felt inside as far as knowing who I was.  I had no freakin clue!  Even before I was married, before the accident took everything away from me.  I had just graduated from OT school, started my career and was engaged.  I was so in love, and so happy to be starting my life.  A life away from my parents to one with Paul.  But inside there was alot of self doubt, poor self esteem, and fear.  I had no idea where life would take me.  I hadn't yet connected with my true self.  

Today I feel like I am doing what I have always been meant to do.  Being a writer and having the opportunity to share my story are what I feel excited about doing.  I have more clarity these days, I take better care of myself,  I enjoy more of the quiet moments.  Although I have to say that I do miss going out clubbing in NYC, staying out till 5am, and sleeping most of the following day away recovering.  I enjoyed much more of a nitelife back then in my single days.  I still love music and dancing but today it is mostly done in my own living room with my dog watching me as I dance from one end of the room to the other....basking in the moment.

Do you miss your 20's?  If you could turn back the clock would you ever go back?  What do you like more about yourself now?  What do you feel has shaped you into who you are today?

Looking Ahead

I am spending a quiet new years eve home in front of the fire with my husband and our little pug Bosco.  And there is no place I would rather be.   

But as I reflect on this past year I can't help but feel sad.  I think I have always felt a bit of sadness every new years eve.  Mostly thinking of those in my family who are gone.  I always tell myself I won't cry when the ball drops but to my husband's dismay I do without fail.  

2008 will always be the year I lost my dad.   Even as I write this I am holding back tears.  And I still can't believe he is gone.  Tonite I have been thinking of him a lot.  Thinking of him, of Paul, and my grandma.  Wondering if they are having their own party together from their heaven.  I like to think they are.  

Looking forward to 2009 I want to worry less and laugh more.  I want to dance, be silly, capture moments with my camera, and to smile.  I want to feel free.  I want to enjoy more of the simple stuff.  I want to stop looking back.  I want to love more.

As this year comes to a close I feel grateful for all that I have in spite of the losses.  

I wish all of you peace, love, good health, and happiness for this new year!!  

Tears Over Rudolph

The other nite I was channel surfing and I stumbled upon the airing of the Christmas classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS. It was the last fifteen minutes but I was glued to the TV. As a child it was my very favorite Christmas special and I couldn’t wait till it was on. Back then Christmas was my favorite holiday. I loved decorating the tree, baking cookies, and my grandma’s lasagne dinner which was a Christmas tradition.

As I watched Ukon Cornelius and Hermie the wanna be dentist searching for Rudolph and his family who were captured by the Bumble I heard my mom’s voice circa 1978 saying to my brother and I “Rudolph is on tonite!” I heard us respond with “Yeaaaaaa” as we clapped our hands. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment then. As those memories came flooding back my eyes started to well up and tears began to fall. I thought to myself what an idiot I was for crying over Rudolph! But then suddenly realized what the tears were really about. I felt sad about the loss of innocence. I longed for the days before I knew what dying was, before I ever lost anyone close to me, before I even knew the word “Cancer”. I thought about how simple life was then. I thought about how exciting Christmas was when I believed in Santa, how excited I was as a child to leave my letter to Santa with some milk and cookies on the kitchen table. And even more excited as I came downstairs that morning to see all the presents he left under the tree. I remembered what it was like to go to Christmas mass and have dinner at grandma’s later that day with all of us together. It was before I realized what all the yelling and arguing was about, it was when that was just a part of the day.

Today the holidays are harder because I can’t help but think about all the empty chairs around the dinner table. I can’t help but think about what could’ve been….what my life would be like if I hadn’t gone through the tough times that were thrown at me.

But then again, I know I wouldn’t be the person I am now. I just wish I could figure out how to get back some of that innocence. To get back that ability to live so freely. I remembered what that was like for just one moment as I shed tears over Rudolph…..

Finding the Sun...

Here is my little boy, Bosco, laying in the sun. Wherever it is, wherever he can find it, is where you will find him. No matter how hot, he practically burns himself to fully worship the sun.

Over the weekend I was having a bad, panicky morning and as I sat on the couch worrying about stuff, the stuff I can’t control I watched my boy laying on the floor in front of our all glass storm door. It has become his spot, it is the spot in the house where there is the most sun. The sun is so intense at times that the wood floor gets very warm. There he was flopped on his side just laying there taking it all in and I could tell he was enjoying every minute of it. Peaceful and serene. That was what it looked like to me.

I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. Which may sound crazy to some of you but its true. As I watched him soaking up the light and the warmth I wanted to enjoy it too. I thought “wow, he has it figured out” That is really all we need…..the sunlight, its warmth, and a place to just lay down and relax. We need to have more time in our lives, in our days to just sit back and face the light, enjoy the moments….the moments away from the chaos, the anxiety, and the fear. Sometimes it can consume us and when it does it can steal so much time. Time that is too precious to waste.

I think there is so much to learn from our animals. Bosco has taught me many things about life. In my many observations of him going through his day for him it is all about food, sun, love, and companionship and not necessarily in that order. I need to focus on more of those things during my day. Ok, maybe not the food but the others….yes.

I need to look for the sun in my day, in all the things that I do. If my dog can figure it out, than why can’t I?

Where do you go to find your sun?

Anniversaries...

This is one of my fav pics of Lou and I. It is our wedding picture. We were married on May 31, 2003 which was the 2nd anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. It certainly wasnt planned that way but when I realized the irony I took it on as something I could put a positive spin on and to replace a bad memory with a new happy one.

Anniversaries can be happy and also sad. I have had way too many sad ones in my young life although I try hard each day to focus on the happier ones. I can’t help but wonder why it is that sometimes the sad ones get more attention in our minds. I know that to be true for me.

Today is an anniversary for me. One with a mixture of happy and sad. It is the date of my wedding anniversary to Paul, my first husband who was killed. Today would have been 15 years of marriage. Why do those rounded off numbers always seem like such milestones? We weren’t even married for 2 years. He was killed about a month before our anniversary. There is that word again “anniversary”! Anyway I always think of him on those days as well as many others. I have since stopped wondering about what life would have been like if he had lived. I just tried to focus on what I wanted my life to be.

Just as I was feeling a little down about today I was pleasantly surprised this morning when I found out that an article about breast cancer survivor stories that I was interviewed for was posted. It was written by Kate Taylor for CNN. It is a really wonderful article and I am so glad to have had the opportunity to share my story of survival. As I read the article and saw the picture of Lou and I teared up and yet smiled at the same time. I smiled thinking that somehow today was meant to be the special day that the article was posted. I smiled thinking about Paul and that he must be smiling too from the other side. I truly believe that he has been watching over me all these years during all of the difficult things I have gone through and cheered for me when I have overcome them. I believe that he heard all my little prayers to help give me the strength to go on. I do believe that he had a hand in guiding me down the right path.

I am so grateful that path lead me to Lou…….

Soothing My Soul

Here is a picture from one of my fav places….Ocean Drive in Newport, RI. My home away from home. I am blogging from Newport right at this very moment! I can hear the ocean waves crashing against the shore (a virtual lullaby to me) over the tick ticking of my fingers hitting the keys as I type. My guy and I are staying at a cute little beach cottage along the ocean. Every time we have been here to Newport and driven by the place I have longed to stay here and experience the magic of a room with a view of the ocean. (I will be adding my new photos from this trip to my flickr page so be sure to check back!)

From the seashell path, to the deck with weathered teak wood rockers right up to the dolfin doorknocker they didn’t spare any details. As we walked up the path crunching along the shells I felt like a kid on christmas morning when I caught a glimpse of the beach with the waves crashing along the sandy shore.

It is such a peace that rushes over me when I am in the presence of the ocean. To me it is powerful. To me it is my grounding. It has often been the place I am drawn to in times of trouble. My soul feels connected to it. It is why I feel I could never leave my life near the coast perhaps unless to go to another coast.

A couple of days prior to my mastectomy I drove up here alone and sat right here on ocean drive out on the rocks looking out to the sea. I thought about how endless it seemed. I thought about how my life had once seemed that way. Back then I thought all those possibilities were lost. That my life was lost. These days I still look out at the ocean as I did just a few hours ago and ponder where I want my life to go. I am able to look at things with a clearer mind here. The trick of it is how do I figure out a way to clear my mind without the crystal blue water! Therein lies the dilemma.

As I feel sad about leaving tomorrow to go home I will try as I always do to take a piece of the ocean with me. But this time I hope to figure out how to make it last a little longer than before. I hope I can find that peace of mind on my own.

What have you found to clear your mind, or soothe your soul?

Where are your favorite places that you find peace??

Life In Fast Forward

I don’t recall just when this began to bother me or what exact time of year it makes me more crazy. Maybe it is when the summer is coming to an end and fall is just around the corner or rather my least favorite season, winter. Maybe because I am more of a spring into summer girl loving the time of year when the days are getting warmer and longer.

I noticed it about a month ago. My husband and I were in our local grocery store and I stopped dead in my tracks. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw bags of candy corn on the store shelf. As my head nearly spun in a 360 I saw the entire display of HALLOWEEN CANDY! Before my husband could stop me I quickly grabbed a bag of the candy corn and tossed it angrily down to the floor. My husband laughed knowing that this usually happens with the changing of holidays and seasons. I can no longer control my rage over how people are riding on the fast forward button. Good thing he wasnt with me when I saw Christmas ornaments in the Hallmark store the other day! I had to do a double take and then run and find a dam calendar to remind myself it was still the beginning of September, a whole 4 months till Christmas!!

I think my rage may have gotten worse after going through cancer. When faced with death was when I finally realized it may be time to stop and smell the roses. (which I still have a hard time doing!) I don’t understand why people are in such a rush. A rush to get to the next big thing. The next holiday, the next day, the next month and the next birthday (well, maybe that depends on your age). What is it that makes us that way? Is it that we just don’t appreciate what is right in front of us that we keep speeding forward to find something better? Is it only when u are truly happy with yourself that you are able to finally put the brakes on? That you are finally able to hit the stop button?

Its something to think about. We all need to hit that stop button, or at least hit pause sometimes…..before someone or rather something does it for us……

Simple Celebrating

Birthdays used to be the only day of the year I would celebrate my life. I really never thought about feeling grateful, celebrating life or anything else for that matter the rest of the year. This always created a huge sense of pressure for things to be perfect. I had to find the “perfect” way to celebrate. In the end the pressure for perfection always outweighed the actual moment. The celebration was tainted somehow.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. I look at my birthday so differently now. I was dx’d with cancer at 31 and feared I would never even see this age. So while other girls getting up into their late 30’s along with me are whining about new wrinkles and grey hair, about their ticking biological clocks I am feeling just grateful to be “older”. It no longer feels like the curse it once had felt like. Thats not to say I am not surprised to be this close to knocking on 40’s door, I can’t believe I am this close! But age has now become a milestone I long to achieve. It reminds me of my survival, it reminds me I am still here.

My husband and I spent a nice quiet day together, went out to dinner and had cake for dessert of course! We came home and then watched a movie. At the end of the nite we shared a toast…..to good health, long life, happiness, and love. We try to do that more, not just on the special days to be celebrated but to celebrate all days. There was still the pressure from others asking “What are you doing for your birthday?” or “Doing anything exciting on your birthday?” which made me feel like I was somehow not living up to the challenge. The challenge I would be creating for myself based on others perceptions. Not realizing that the celebration could be simple. That simple could be great! If you are doing something you love, no matter how big or small it can still be a celebration.

These days I feel like celebrating so much. I no longer want to wait for the birthday, anniversary, or holiday to roll around to express my happiness for those around me. I want to celebrate life every single day in all that I do. I want to soak up the “moments”. Moments alone or moments spent with those I love.

You know that feeling you have on your birthday? The excitement for the celebration, the attention from those around you making you feel like the day is all about you? I want to feel like that everyday. I think I deserve it….

I think we all do……

Finally Getting "It"

Before cancer I really didnt think about moments. I just lived my life or what I thought was “living”. I moved along at a fast pace not taking much notice of what was going on around me. I never thought about savoring the moments I experienced. It almost felt numb. I think the numbness began when my husband died.

Over the years since his untimely death I think of him often. I think about all the things he missed and the things I miss about him. I think about how sad it is that he only lived to see the age of 26. But then I think about how much living he crammed into that short time. I longed to be like him. I wondered how he could so easily live in the moment. He taught me many things in a short time. And then cancer would teach me even more.

The rock music was vibrating the floor as well as my body last nite at the Def Leppard concert. I held onto Lou as we danced and screamed out the words to “Rock of Ages”. With every vibration I felt from the music and the energy of those around me I savored all of it. I thought about how lucky I felt to be there, how lucky I was to hear the sounds and see the sights, and feel the power in the arena. I thought about Paul as a tear fell from my eyes. I wondered what he would think, knowing how much he loved Def Leppard but never had a chance to see them live in concert. Something else I never got to share with him, something he never got to experience in his life. It felt like part of me was living it stronger because of him. I learned from his death not to take things for granted. I learned even more facing my own death.

I had a blast at the concert and can say I truly enjoyed every moment. It was like nothing else was cluttering my mind. The only thing playing in my head was the music and the only thing I felt in my heart was such gratitude and love. Love for Lou and gratitude for being alive. The worrisome banter was gone for those few hours and was replaced by the sights and sounds of the future. The hope became palpable as the fear began to fade.

For that moment anyway……