My husband always goes with me to my doc dates. Yesterday I told him he didn't have to go. I don't even know why. Maybe I wanted to see if I could go it alone. Maybe to prove to myself I was strong enough. It was the first time in all these years I went to see any of my doctors on my own. And I drove to the city. It was just too dam hot to take the train and subway.
As I entered the building and caught a whiff of that familiar smell I felt my palms start to sweat. My inner dialogue began. It went something like this..."You are fine. You are not going to have a panic attack right now. You are healthy and nothing bad will happen." Sometimes it works. Sometimes I have to say that out loud to myself no matter how bat shit crazy I may seem at the time.
When my name was called and the assistant asked me how I was doing I almost snapped back at her "I would be alot better if I wasn't HERE" but I resisted the urge. As she handed me the gown instructing me to open to the front I thought to myself "Yeah, yeah, I know girlie, not my first time unfortunately." As you can tell I get a little bitchy when I am a nervous wreck. I will never understand why the hell they leave you in the examining room for so dam long. By the time 30 minutes had passed I was in super pacing mode like a caged animal looking to break free. My palms were sweating again and my inner dialogue was lost on me. Nothing was working. I refused to sit on the table and wait so I continued to pace that cubicle of a room until she finally walked in.
After all the travel time and the hour of angst my exam lasted all of 5 minutes. Thankfully the boobs checked out fine. No palpable lumps or bumps in them or my arm pits. As I breathed a sigh of relief she told me to come back in 6 months for my mammo and followup visit.
As I stepped out onto the pavement on 64th street and headed to my car I wondered if it would ever get easier. I wondered if it would ever feel like a "normal" doctor appointment. And then I stopped and thought "What the hell is normal anyway?"
How do you handle your doc appointments? Do you have any crazy rituals you use to maintain your sanity in the waiting room? Do ever wonder if the post treatment anxiety will ever end?
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How do I handle doctor appointments? I could write an entire documentary. I stress. If there are tests involved, I get a massive dose of Scanxiety followed by regular doses of Ativan. I try to focus on bringing my list of questions and issues to keep me focused on what I need to find out. Finally, I have no problems in basically having a good cry before or after.
I always go alone now, I bike there. Biking has become like a ritual to me. In the waiting room I tend to go over what happened and where I am now...That waiting part is the worst, because of the memories, the reruns of the conversations I had, the way I felt while going to exams, the way I felt when dxd, how I had to still be alert& ask questions while having cancer, looking at other patients waiting there and thinking about why they're there... For me, it's not the exam itself, I tend to feel relatively ok & I'm not all that worried, I always 'feel' myself as well-I guess I'm still thinking they 'got' it all out, or off + they never actually felt any lumps, I had felt something myself...-I'm just upset I guess is the right term, upset about everything that surrounds the doctor's visit...
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