I have long been a supporter of the Im Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation since its inception in 2007. It is an invaluable resource for young adults with cancer. I wish they had been around when I was diagnosed with cancer back in 2001 at 31 years old. This is a new video they put together about their foundation. Please share! The young adult voice needs to be heard!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
"Please don't forget to wear your seat belt." I said to him for the millionth time.
"You worry too much Cat. It doesn't matter if I wear my seatbelt or not. If its my time to go I will go no matter what." he said
Paul and I had that conversation the morning he was killed. And wouldn't you know it. . . he got the last word. He was wearing his seat belt.
Some spiritualists believe that you make choices or rather your soul does before entering into this life. You chose your parents as well as the experiences you will have both good and bad in order for your soul to learn the lessons. Some even believe you choose your check out time.
I do believe in that and have always believed things happen for a reason. That there are no coincidences. Even the bad stuff I have gone through has served a purpose. When Paul died I felt as though it was his time, that he had served his purpose here on earth and it was time for his soul to move on. He even believed it too as you can tell from our seat belt talk.
Over the years as a cancer survivor I have spent way too much time trying to figure out how I am still here when so many around me have died from cancer including my own father. Was it what I ate, was it mental stress, or was it the chemicals in my skin care products. Then I think about the people that abuse their bodies and still live a long life. Now it seems as though I obsess over it in an effort to control my fear of recurrence. All of this obsessing is causing me to miss too much of my life, too many moments. It prevents me from living in the now.
Lately I have really been wondering about it all in an effort to just let go. I want to feel free, free of the fear. This is what lead me to wonder if cancer was just part of the plan?
I know it sounds crazy to some depending on your belief system. This is what I am sitting with lately. I would love to hear what you think. . .
Are you a spiritual person? Have you ever wondered why the bad things happen? Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Do you think that cancer could be a part of the plan? Is there a grand plan out there in the universe for each one of us?
Friday, May 14, 2010
Those of you familiar with my story know that I was widowed when I was 25. It was the most horrific day of my entire life. I remember pulling up to my house that bright sunny afternoon when my gut sank to my feet as I looked at the police car waiting for me in front of my house. There was no question in my mind...he was dead. It was surreal. It was like everything I had seen in the movies. The police walk the wife into the house and carefully break the news as the she crumbles in tears on the floor. I would come to find it was a head on collision that killed him and his brother. Even as I type these words it still feels surreal all these years later. Not to get all new agey but I always worried about Paul especially when he was driving. I always wondered if it was a premonition type fear.
For years after the accident I worried about everyone I knew when they were out driving. I would call and panic if they weren't home. I began to fear everyone in my life would meet the same fate. And I would wait for the call from the hospital or to see a police cruiser pull up at my house. When I first met my husband Lou 8 years ago truth be told part of me did worry about him. How could I not? That fear had become etched in a deep part of my soul. But as the years had gone by I became less fearful of losing him. And thought I had beaten that fear up until the other day when he was late getting home. Lou will always call me to let me know that he will be late. I know the exact time to expect him home. I feel a sense of relief when I hear the diesel engine of his truck as it pulls into our driveway. So the other day when it was half past five and there was no call nor sign of him I felt a little pinch in my gut. It certainly wasn't full on panic but it had crept into my thoughts with things like "I couldn't survive this again." A few minutes later my phone rang and it was him. Calmness washed over me. He was ok.
I thought the fear was gone. That is until my dream that very same night. All I remember was being in our house wondering where Lou was because he was late getting home. I was pacing the floors in our bedroom. I heard the door open. I smiled and rushed out to see him. I could feel my heart sink when I saw two police officers sitting at my kitchen table. They were in full uniform including their hats. I locked eyes with them as they were staring at me quiet. The next thing I remember was screaming "NO" and I woke up screaming at that moment. I couldn't believe it. There was no mystery to the meaning of that dream. And even 15 years later the fear came busting out from my mind in a dream.
Have you ever experienced something that remained with you and still affected you years later? Do you experience your deepest fears in any dreams? What is the most significant dream you ever had?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
That is the title of my guest blog post live today over at Jean's Cream Community Blog. Fear is something I have dealt with most of my life and I am sure many of you can relate. In this post I offer some tips on how I deal with fear.
Jean's Cream was created by a two time breast cancer survivor who wanted to help others deal with the side effects of radiation from cancer treatment as well as other various skin conditions. Their community blog is full of tips and inspiration for those affected by cancer. I was pleased to be asked to contribute to their blog.
You can check out my post here. Would love to hear your thoughts and comments!
Friday, May 7, 2010
When I was little I used to watch my grandma put on her makeup. She would take out her compact, add a little revlon pressed powder to her face, and then apply her lipstick. All her life that I knew her she wore Revlon's lilac champagne in the green marbled tube. And that was all the makeup she wore. She never left the house without lipstick. Sometimes she would add a little "rouge" as she called it back in the day but that was it. She was still wearing lipstick in her eighties. And it was still lilac champagne.
I thought of her yesterday when I was putting on my eyeliner and mascara as I headed out the door. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wondered what was missing. I don't really wear anything more than eye makeup. I looked kinda dull. When I reached my destination after a long drive I reached in my bag for my lipstick. I quickly applied it using the rear view mirror as my guide. (and yes, I was parked!) My face looked brighter as did my eyes. It just completed my look. There are some days that I run out of the house with a little lipstick and nothing else. And although I don't like to go out without my eye makeup I do notice that wearing lipstick brightens my eyes. Even when I was going through chemo I made sure I at least put on some lipstick. With no eyelashes or eyebrows I sure needed something to brighten up my face.
Right now I am using Burt's Bee's lip shimmer in toffee. They cost only about $5 and the colors are great. It also has a nice peppermint taste.
What's in your makeup bag? Do you wear lipstick? What brand and shade do you like these days? What completes your look?