After he died I didn't make it back to an ocean for a long time. And when I finally decided I could let go I went to the ocean Memorial Day weekend with some friends. Late that nite I walked down to the shore myself with his wedding ring and tossed it into the sea. Then I cried. But then I felt a sense of letting go enough to move on. That was a year before my cancer diagnosis.
Yesterday was a celebration. It was my birthday...my 39th! I never thought I would live to see 32 and here I am at 40's door! Instead of dreading it I look at it as a celebration of life, my life, the one I thought I would loose 7 years ago.
My husband surprised me this birthday with a 2 nite stay in a beautiful beach cottage in Newport, RI. It is my favorite place. It is where he proposed to me out on the rocky shore at the ocean. We headed out on Sunday and I was able to wake up on my birthday to the sounds of waves crashing and this time it wasn't just my good 'ol sound machine! As I glanced out the window I thought about how lucky I was, how lucky I am to be alive. Although I still am sad about my dad and will be for a while, I was trying to enjoy this moment given to me.
I thought about how celebrations should happen everyday and not be reserved for the "special days". Everyday should be special. I am still working really hard to make that a reality in my life. Time is so very precious and I have had to learn that lesson way to many times.
So Lou and I spent the day just sitting on the deck under the umbrella feeling the ocean breeze blow through our hair. As I looked out to the sea it seemed so endless. Much like how life is endless with possibilities. I thought about how I want to focus more on the possibilities of life rather than the losses. I couldn't help but wonder why that is so hard.
While we were outside we both were taken aback when we saw an older couple who were in the cottage right next door. They appeared to be 70-80ish and they too were sitting on the deck just taking in the sights. The man wrapped his arm around his girl and they put their heads together and smiled. It was weird because they looked like what Lou and I could be years from now. And I am talking literally here! As I glanced over at them I felt it was no accident that they were there. I thought about that possibility. Growing old with the man I love. Although it is harder to imagine growing old since having had cancer I was looking forward to the possibility open to me.....to us.
I thought about all I have lost, how Paul promised me we would be together for 50 years, and now tried to focus on what could be with Lou.....
It was truly a special birthday, spent with the man I love, at a place so very special to me....