Friday, August 31, 2007

My Furry Anxiety Pill

His name is Bosco and he has saved me on more than one occasion. Saved my mind that is. Last night I had another one of my panic attacks. I am sure just about everyone is familiar with that term and if you are not consider yourself lucky! When it first happened I didn’t even know what it was. I didn’t know why my heart was racing, palpitating, why my hands and feet felt numb, and I felt as though I was not present in the room any longer. Over the years that have passed since my first time (no not the good kind…) I have learned to notice the symptoms more readily which has enabled me to engage my grounding strategies so to speak.

One of those is my pug, Bosco. My furry little friend is almost like taking a xanax, or paxil without the nasty side effects! During a really bad panic attack one day a couple of years ago I didn’t know what to do with myself, I began my usual pacing and pulling at my hair, and mumbling to myself with my heart pounding in my chest. I happened to glance over at him and with his cute little sad expression (which he has most of the time btw!) I noticed he was watching me. I think pets always sense when we aren’t right. They can be very in tune to our energy good or bad. This time it was my bad. I don’t know what made me do it but somehow I was able to go over and scoop him up into my arms. Instantly as I felt his warmth, smelled the puppy smell, and felt his fur against my face I began to calm down. It was as though he was sucking all the crazy energy flowing through my body at that moment. I began to pace with him as he looked as though he were on a ride a the park, looking all around, up and down, but when he would look my way, I melted.

When I was sick with cancer Bosco would have made the perfect companion. He is my first pet ever and I don’t know what I did without him. I wish he had been with me when I was all alone after Paul was killed, and then when I was diagnosed with cancer, spending a year of my life as a sick person. But somehow I made it through on my own. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit sometimes for what we are able to survive.

I have to say though, I am so grateful he is a part of my life now…..I only wish it could be forever….

How have your pets helped you out of a jam???

Monday, August 20, 2007

Passing of Time

Waiting for tomorrow
But what if it never comes
The moment is now
But what if it is never to be
The minute has passed
We are running out of time
Life is not timeless
As quickly as it runs
As quickly as we can go
Pick up your feet and get carried away
To places you never dreamed you’d go……..

Friday, August 10, 2007

Shoes and Syncronicity

I have often felt throughout my life that there are no accidents. That things happen for a reason. We may never know what that reason is but still I believe there is one. I have had some people around me try to debunk that theory, debunk what is known as “synchronicity” but I still stand my ground. I am a true believer and there is no way anyone can shake that as I feel it in my core, feel it in my soul. I suppose if I didn’t I really don’t know where I would be today, or rather what shape I would be in emotionally given all that I have endured.

In a past blog I wrote about my first experience with I’m Too Young For This! or i2y for short. If you haven’t yet checked it out shame on you! It is a great resource for young survivors, a great place for social networking, and a place to celebrate life after cancer! Most importantly though it is where you can connect with other young people going through the same experience. The Stupid Cancer Happy Hour was beyond inspiring and just plain fun!

I made a connection that nite that I believe was very meant to be. My husband and I were feeling somewhat out of place when we first arrived that nite which is no surprise as neither of us is very assertive in social situations where we don’t know anyone. For some reason there was a girl there who arrived a short while after us, who was alone and appeared to just be wandering about. I said to my husband “I like her shoes and I am going to tell her that. It will be a good icebreaker to begin talking with her.” His response was “No way! You aren’t gonna do that. Are you?” with a puzzled look on his face. “Oh yes I am” I replied back to him wondering what it was pushing me to do this. I still dont know what made me say it. It is just so not me, I am usually too shy for that. Something inside was just pushing me at her. I waited till she was close enough to me and looked right at her and said “Hey, I like your shoes!” Surprisingly enough though it was the truth. I did like her shoes. And I am not even a shoe person. I am not one of those girls that drains her bank account on shoes. Mostly because I have issues with my feet. They aren’t the easiest feet to dress up if you know what I mean. Anyway, those five words spun her and I into a long conversation and struck up a connection between two strangers that is developing into a good friendship. I felt like I have always known her. A cancer survivor herself she understands much of how I feel which is something that is just priceless. It is something I never would have experienced if it hadn’t been for i2y.

Funny thing is we almost didn’t go that nite. I was on the fence about what I thought it would be like and feeling uncomfortable that we wouldn’t know anyone. I had never attended anything before involving other cancer survivors certainly not those in my age group mostly because I couldn’t find anything of interest that didn’t intimidate me. I never found anything like that happy hour. It was mostly physical activities for the cure which for whatever reason turned me off. Talk about not being athletic! This though was something that seemed fun and was a typical Thursday nite activity for the young crowd.

I am grateful that I attended that nite. For if it wasn’t for i2y I would never have met another young cancer survivor who is becoming a new friend. And to think….It all started with “Hey I like your shoes”.