Missing Much

"In what twisted universe does that happen?" was the question I asked Lou the other day.   It was when we realized that this Mother's Day would fall on May 10th, the anniversary of his sister's death to cancer.  It was 4 years today.  And 7 years ago his mom also died of cancer.  It was just around the time he and I met.  

A double whammy for him.  I don't know what to say.  I don't know what to do.  What I do know is that I can't do anything to make him feel better.  Nothing will ease the pain.  I know it is a process.  I know it will get easier over time.  But for now the pain is still palpable.  

For me today it feels strange.  Thankfully my mom is still alive and kicking except today she is in NC kicking and screaming because she is stranded between houses.  She left 2 weeks ago to move down south.  That itself has been difficult for me to digest.  It is the first time we have lived so far apart.  I called her today.   And then felt a twinge of guilt that my mom is only a phone call away.  

Lou is frustrated today with feeling bad and missing them so much.  He turned and said  to me "We shouldn't loose a whole day because of these anniversaries.   We should be enjoying the day ourselves and making the most of it.  We are still here.  Why do we waste it feeling bad?"

I was startled a little.  He was right.  I wondered why I had never thought that same thing. 

I think part of it is because those are the moments that have shaken us, broken us and  knocked us down.  The moments we never forget.  And although those we have lost are always in our minds it seems worse on those days.   It is when all the bad stuff comes flooding back.  

How do you handle those days?  Do you get stuck in feeling sad and the missing or do you get out and celebrate life?

Dating With Cancer

Today is the official re-release of Breastless!! In the book I share my experience as a young widow navigating the single scene during my cancer treatment. Dating and intimacy are very unique issues for young adult cancer survivors. I had the opportunity to guest blog for Erin Zammett Ruddy's Life With Cancer on Glamour.com. Erin is a young cancer survivor and author.

My guest post all about dating with cancer is posted today just as Breastless hits the shelves! Check it out here!!

The Bridges of Bronx County

That is the title of a wonderful piece written by my friend and fellow cancer survivor Duane Bailey-Castro  from this weekend's New York Times!!  Go Duane!! Duane is a blogger and a fabulous photographer!  One of his photos is printed in the piece. 

It is an inspirational must read!  Check it out here! 

Gray Area

Losing my hair to chemo was pretty devastating.  When it grew back I vowed to never color it again.  I had damaged it so much before cancer that I am surprised it didn't fall out then.  Last spring I started noticing a few too many new gray hairs cropping up.  I decided to go with highlights.  I wanted less chemicals going into my scalp and I figured that highlights could camouflage the gray areas.  

It has been almost a year since I caved and I have had it done one other time trying to stretch the root touch ups as much as I can but my hair grows like a chia pet. Nothing to complain about, I know.   The other day when I was drying my hair I noticed that there are broken pieces along the part.  Little spikes broken off at the grown out root.  This more than bothered me.  I wondered if I was the only one.  I wondered if I should continue. What I really wondered was could I stop and just go gray?

I had been pulling out my stray grays.   But now there are a few too many to use that as my solution.   I swore when my hair grew back I would just be happy to have hair.  That I would never complain about a bad hair day again.  And I usually don't.  Till now.   I know that compared to being bald this is nothing.  And then I wonder why it bothers me so.  

Would you ever go gray?  Are you concerned about chemicals in hair dye?  What is your solution?

His First Relationship

I read somewhere that if a man treats his mother well than it is a good chance that he will treat all the women in his life that way.  It is a barometer to his relationships with women.  It got me to thinking about the men I had been with over the years.  This rings true in so many ways.  I thought about my dad who was abandoned by his mother when he was just a year old.  I thought about how he treated my mom and me.  He had a bad relationship with both of us.  Maybe because the first woman in his life left him.  

Then I thought about my first husband Paul.  He loved his mother and would have done anything for her.  She was a huge part of his life.  He treated her with respect and loved her unconditionally.  Paul and I had a wonderful relationship full of love and respect.  He treated me so well I wondered what was wrong with him!  

The string of guys I dated after Paul died who treated me badly all had bad relationships with their moms.  I didn't think about this at the time but only in hindsight.  If I had know would it have made a difference?  Probably not.  I still would have had to learn from the experience of being with them.  My relationship with my dad affected me greatly and made it hard for me to realize my worth when it came to relationships.

My husband Lou had just lost his mom to cancer a month before we met.  Although I never got to meet her I could tell from him that she was an important woman in his life.  She let him know that the sun rose and set with him. She made him feel like he could do anything and be good at it.  He was very respectful of her and loved her dearly.  Lou is the only other man I ever met that has treated me well.  I wonder if it is because of his good relationship with his mom.

Have you heard this theory?  Does it make you think about the men in your life?  Does it ring true?

Picture Perfect

Yesterday my husband and I did some spring cleaning.  Him more than me.  As I have confessed to before I am the clutter bug in our house.  As I was wafting through a stack of papers he pointed out the dust which had accumulated on our bookshelf.  I keep framed photos on that shelf.  Each shelf tells a story.  Some make me happy, others make me sad, and yet some are bittersweet.  

Besides cleaning the dust he wanted me to change some of the pictures.  He suggested I change them to more recent ones.  Too much of the past he said.  Too many people we have lost.  Although I could see his point I was startled by his idea.  As my eyes scanned each shelf I realized that there were more from the past then the present.  A couple of people I no longer speak with.  My favorites are the ones of he and I, on vacation and others from our wedding.   It was when we were our most happy.  It was before everyone started to die.  

I have always found comfort in photos.  Comfort in the past.  It makes me feel closer to those I have lost at the same time it makes me feel sad.  After my first husband died I spent countless hours over many years sitting on the floor with boxes of photos wet with my tears.  It was how I spent time with him, the memory of him.  It was a comfort until it stopped me from moving forward.  

These days I am feeling stuck in the past.  Too much missing the ones who I have lost.  I can't help but wonder if I should put those pictures away.  Would it make me miss them less?  Would it help me pull my feet out of the mud?

Do you find comfort in pictures?  Does it bring you joy?  Does looking at pictures ever make you feel like you are stuck in the past?  Are yours on display or tucked away for a rainy day?

Cancer, Relationships and Love in the Group Room

Here is the podcast from Sunday's Group Room Radio Show.  It is definitely worth a listen.  The discussions ranged from dating, intimacy, sex, and looking for love while going through cancer as a young adult.  I shared some of my own experience during the second hour about online dating boobless and bald.  I talked about how difficult it was but how I did find love.  

Listen  and let me know what you think!  Are you a young adult with cancer looking for love?  What has your experience been like?  What advice would you give to others dating with cancer?