Where I've Been

Its hard to believe that October is coming to a close.  Even harder to believe that I have neglected this blog for so dam long!  So I am finally back to tell about what has been going on to keep me away.  

Around the time of my last post I came down with a crazy bad cold that kept me huddled on the couch with boxes of puffs plus for a week.  It took me about 2 more weeks to feel better.  And during all of that I was hard at work on something very exciting for my book that I cannot yet talk about but am busting at the seems to.  Sorry for the teaser ;)

I had my annual checkup with my oncologist about 2 weeks ago.   No matter how long, how many years I am a survivor I dont think I will ever go through it with ease.  I will always have some level of anxiety.  More so since my dad passed away.  So I wanted to share a story about how that went.  

I have never come to blows with any of my docs.  But this visit came close.  Maybe it is because I have become a better advocate for myself.  Or maybe I have just become more frustrated with the establishment.  First of all I had to wait over an hour in the little room with the dam gown on freezing, pacing until he finally came in.  I am sure I must have been his last patient for the day which I bet was a stressful one.  Lou was in the room with me and I sat on a chair because I couldnt stand to sit up on the examining table for that long.  When he finally came in I hit him with the sarcasm right off.  He asked me what I was doing over on the chair and I told him I thought it would make me feel less like a patient since I had to wait so long for him.  He smiled and asked me to get up on the table.  

When he asked me how I was I told him I was fine but my dad had died.  I tried to hold back the tears for as long as I could.  I can tell you it wasn't that long.  In the meanwhile though he started in on me again about getting tested for the breast cancer gene.  He and I began this conversation or rather he began it years ago.  And I told him that I was not getting tested because I know that I wouldn't do what he was recommending if I was positive.  That is to remove my ovaries and my right breast just in case, to prevent cancer.  Now he was pushing it even harder as he explained to me about the link between pancreatic and breast cancer.  Because my dad had pancreatic cancer increases that chances that my breast cancer was genetic.  When I asked him about percentages he told me it was 10 percent that I may have the gene.  Last time I checked 10 percent is pretty low on the scale and certainly not a high enough chance in my eyes.   It was like I didnt know him, for a second when he kept pressing me about getting tested.  Then I started to cry and the tears were about my dad.  When I asked him about smoking and alcoholism being predisposing factors to pancreatic cancer which I had discovered from my google research he quickly shot down my idea and rambled on again about the gene test.  

As I laid down on my back for the breast exam, tears streaming down my face he grabbed my hand looked into my eyes and said "I would be so sad if you ended up getting ovarian cancer."

WTF!  Did I hear him correctly?  Are you kidding me?  What kind of a thing is that to say.  Wow, he was really laying on the scare tactics.  It was so not like him.  As the shock wore off I looked back at him and said "Really....well, I think I would be alot sadder than you!"  And didnt even know what else to say at that point.  I just think it was  a tad bit inappropriate for him to say that.  Not the best bedside manner for the moment. 

But having said all that I want to just close with this.  I am not saying here that genetic testing is wrong, I know it has saved many lives.  What I am saying is that I just dont think it is the right thing for me.  I personally look at my recovery in a more holistic way and believe that nutrition, lifestyle, and other environmental factors can put people at risk for cancer.  I believe and have always said that each person  faced with any disease has to make the best decisions they can for themselves and their recovery. 

Have any of you been faced with a difficult decision in any area of your life that others disagreed with?  

Stupid Cancer Comedy Show

An organization I support is having its 2nd annual fundraiser to benefit young adults with cancer.  I am of course talking about The Im Too Young For This Cancer Foundation For Young Adults.  I attended the inaugural event last year and it was a great show!  If you are a young adult with cancer or anyone who just wants to have a good time while raising money to support this lost generation of cancer survivors head on down to the Gotham Comedy Club in NYC!  But first buy a ticket here!  There are still some left!

Check out this video from the Today Show with Matthew Zachary CEO/Founder of i[2]y

Celebrating Survivorship

I was chosen to be the keynote speaker for the 4th Annual Survivorship Day Celebration at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.  They contacted me back in February and asked me if I would be interested in sharing my story.  Without a second thought I of course said yes!  I was very honored to have been chosen.  Although I was a patient there I had never been to this event.  It is a wonderful event bringing together cancer survivors, their friends as well as families.  It is a celebration of life.

When I found out about it I let my dad know and I asked if he would be able to be there that day.  He told me in an email (which was our main means of communication) that it was great news and he would be there if he could, if he was still around.  I wondered that much as well.  As the date drew closer I would bring it up and he began telling me he wasn't sure.  When I saw him on his birthday in April I finally saw how sick and weak he had become.  I stopped asking.  I still secretly hoped he would be there.  He died on June 2nd and I gave my speech a week later on the 10th.  Wondering how the hell I would still be able to do it I knew somehow I had to, it was too important to me.  I didn't want to let anyone down most of all myself.  It was very hard to get up in front a room full of people with all the sadness in my heart. It was hard to be at an event to celebrate my own cancer survivorship when he just lost his life to cancer.   But I did it, enjoyed it and hopefully inspired everyone there.  I even made them laugh!  Although I  had just lost so much somehow I hung on to my sarcasm.

I thought of my dad and wished that he could have seen me, that he could have been there.  In a way it was like he made sure he was....

Click here and  head on over to the page for the video clip of my speech.  Beware though it is 25 minutes long,  but I think it is worth it!  :)

Let me know what  you guys think!

More Dreams...

I keep having dreams about my dad which surprisingly makes me feel a little closer to him.  As I had said in my last dream post, I believe that this is one of the ways the dead can "visit" or communicate with us.  I am amazed at the messages I am getting from him.

About a week ago there he was again.  I also tried to write this one down to recall the detail although when I first woke up I had already forgotten some of it.  But luckily not the message within.  All I recall is him telling me that he stayed longer than he was supposed to , longer than his program was for.  Now I don't know how many of you believe this but I have always felt that when we come into this life we sign up beforehand for a program, meaning things we will go through both good and bad in order for our souls to learn while we are here.  I also believe in past lives, that I have been through here before.  So when he told me that, I asked him why and his response was "So you wouldn't have to be alone when you were sick."

I need to back track somewhat for you here for this to make sense.  About 6 months prior to my cancer diagnosis my dad had a brush with death.  He was rushed to the ER with a burst appendix.  They did surgery and the docs were all shocked that he pulled through.  They said they didn't have an explanation for it since he was in such bad shape.  But he did good and got better quickly.  When I was sick he was the only one in my family who was there everyday in the hospital, took me to all my chemo treatments, even offered to stay with me (to which I said "hell no")  which was so different than he was in our relationship.  He and I were always estranged but when the chips were down he somehow was there for me.  Even when I didn't want him to be.  

So this dream has left me wondering if he survived then so that he could be there for me when I had cancer.  Maybe this was him letting me know that to be true.  I would like to think that it was.  And it makes me all the more grateful to have had him there with me through it all.  

I only wish I had been able to return the favor when he was sick...

Celebrating By The Shore...

I have kept it no secret that I am in love with the ocean.  It has always been the place I run too in times of trouble, where I go to find peace.  The sound of the waves crashing against the shore has always been calming to me.  Paul and I used to go to the beach.  First it was the Jersey shore back in the day, then we graduated to island trips when we were engaged.  He loved the water so much he might as well have been a fish!  I guess being a Pices was close enough.  

After he died I didn't make it back to an ocean for a long time.  And when I finally decided I could let go I went to the ocean  Memorial Day weekend with some friends.  Late that nite I walked down to the shore myself with his wedding ring and tossed it into the sea.  Then I cried. But then I felt a sense of letting go enough to move on.  That was a year before my cancer diagnosis.  

Yesterday was a celebration.  It was my birthday...my 39th!  I never thought I would live to see 32 and here I am at 40's door!  Instead of dreading it I look at it as a celebration of life, my life, the one I thought I would loose 7 years ago.  

My husband surprised me this birthday with a 2 nite stay in a beautiful beach cottage in Newport, RI.  It is my favorite place.  It is where he proposed to me out on the rocky shore at the ocean.  We headed out on Sunday and I was able to wake up on my birthday to the sounds of waves crashing and this time it wasn't just my good 'ol sound machine!  As I glanced out the window I thought about how lucky I was, how lucky I am to be alive.  Although I still am sad about my dad and will be for a while, I was trying to enjoy this moment given to me.  

I thought about how celebrations should happen everyday and not be reserved for the "special days".  Everyday should be special.  I am still working really hard to make that a reality in my life.  Time is so very precious and I have had to learn that lesson way to many times.  

So Lou and I spent the day just sitting on the deck under the umbrella feeling the ocean breeze blow through our hair.  As I looked out to the sea it seemed so endless.  Much like how life is endless with possibilities.  I thought about how I want to focus more on the possibilities of life rather than the losses.  I couldn't help but wonder why that is so hard.  

While we were outside we both were taken aback when we saw an older couple who were in the cottage right next door.  They appeared to be 70-80ish and they too were sitting on the deck just taking in the sights.  The man wrapped his arm around his girl and they put their heads together and smiled.  It was weird because they looked like what Lou and I could be years from now. And I am talking literally here!  As I glanced over at them I felt it was no accident that they were there.  I thought about that possibility.  Growing old with the man I love.  Although it is harder to imagine growing old since having had cancer I was looking forward to the possibility open to me.....to us.  

I thought about all I have lost, how Paul promised me we would be together for 50 years, and now tried to focus on what could be with Lou.....

It was truly a special birthday, spent with the man I love, at a place so very special to me....

Dreams

I have always believed in life after death.  I really haven't posted about it much if at all and maybe I should.  I am very curious how many of you are fellow believers.  I believe that our loved ones can still communicate with us from the "other side"  as some have coined it.  I have had some experiences like that over the years and most of my life.  

One of the ways I believe the dead communicate with us is through dreams.  Since my dad passed away he no doubt has been on my mind alot.  I  have had dreams of him already.  I have also had many dreams of my husband Paul over the years which I will have to share with you sometime.   I used to keep a little notebook on my endtable and when I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream I would write down what  I could remember right away cause if I left it till the morning I couldn't recall much of it.  I wish I had continued with that over the years.  I have been too inconsistent.  

So the other nite I woke up in the middle of a dream about my dad.  He looked much younger and healthier than last I saw him.  I was the age I am now but he looked about 40ish.  All I can recall was sitting with him at a table, him looking upset and grumbling about something (no surprise with him) and it was known somehow that he had cancer.  This is the only dialogue I can remember...

"Dad, what's the matter?"  I asked

"That disease is so unnecessary."  He replied in a somber tone as he held his head cupped in his hands.

"What?  You mean the cancer?"  inquiring again to figure out what he could mean.

"No.  I mean self hatred."  as he looked at me matter of factly.

And that is when I woke up.  That is all I can remember.  Although it is not much it somehow speaks volumes and sent me a huge message.  I think he was trying to tell me that the time he spent with that "disease"  wasted away much of his life.  Interesting to me he labeled it as such.  I don't think that many people view it that way.  I never did either until I thought about that dream.  It makes sense though doesn't it?  I for one know that I spent way too much time disliking myself and never feeling good enough.  I have spent most of my life that way.  It is only in recent years, since I had cancer that I have learned to love myself.  Unfortunately my dad never experienced that.  And I can't help but wonder why it took cancer to wake me up to what I was doing to myself.

I believe he sent me a pretty big message, one that I can keep with me.  Its amazing to me that I am given the opportunity to learn from him even in death.....

As he watches over me from the "other side"....

Think Before You Pink

Its hard to believe that in a few short months, 3 to be exact, it will be October.  And we all know what that means.  Pink everywhere.  Now, don't get me wrong, pink always was and still is my favorite color, but for the month of October it takes on a different meaning.  It symbolizes breast cancer awareness month.  There will soon be pink ribbons on almost every product in the stores ad nauseam.  

As a breast cancer survivor I don't want to come off as ungrateful or bitchy about the bc awareness campaign.  Its just I can't help but wonder as I do every year if some companies tag themselves with that pink ribbon to increase their sales.  That is why I was glad to find out about a campaign looking out for just that.  Its called Think Before You Pink.  A project of Breast Cancer Action, it was launched in 2002 in response to an increasing concern about the huge number of pink ribbon products and promotions on the market.

This campaign also focuses on what they call "Pink Washers".  These are companies that say they care about breast cancer and promote its awareness but produce products that are linked to disease!  One example is Avon.  This company produces cosmetics with known carcinogens in the ingredients that have been linked to cancer.  This is of special interest to me as I try to avoid using products with bad stuff such as parabens and other chemicals/toxins.  

Be sure to check out this campaign and let me know what you guys think!  Am I the only one suspicious of  all those pink ribbons?