Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm Sitting And I Can't Get Up. . .

That was what I spent most of this morning screaming to myself inside my head when I jumped off of the couch and felt a stabbing pain shoot down my right leg. As my right leg longed to buckle under me I thought to myself "Dear God just don't let me hit the floor!" And luckily I didn't. I grabbed the wall edge as my dog ran over and stared at me with a furrowed look on his face. He certainly was not going to be of any help to me. I was all alone. Somehow though I was able to hobble over to my couch to sit. Then the fear washed over me and tears ran streaming from my eyes. I felt frightened and sad.

I suddenly flashed back to when I was sick. To when I had cancer. I thought about how bad I felt in the hospital after cancer surgery being unable to walk on my own. I thought about having to sit on a shower chair and needing help to wash myself. And then I thought about being stuck on the couch after my first chemo treatment with a headache so bad I hoped I wouldn't die that night. I was all alone. The lonliness became palpable once again. And although I was thankful that this was nowhere near as bad it was enough to bring those sucky memories rushing back.

So I cried. And then cried some more. So much that I thought I would never stop. As I sat there on the couch I noticed the pain in my back was gone but I must have been crying over the pain in my heart. Crying over the fear. And it just snowballed from there.

As I sit here and write this I am feeling better. Partly thanks to Advil. And I am sure my crying fit did nothing to help the stress in my back muscles. I hate feeling this way. I haven't yet figured out how to handle the associated reactions better...

Have you ever experienced a flashback similar to this? How did you react? How did you handle the emotion?

1 comment:

KK said...

I think crying is sometimes exactly what I need. It can be healing!