Is It Ever "Just" A Headache Anymore?

The night of my first chemo treatment was one of the worst of my life running a very close second to the night my husband was killed.  I remember being home alone laying on the couch when the worst headache of my life began.  The pain was so intense I was crying.  It was all centered right above my eyes taking over my whole forehead.  I had to turn the lights down and keep my eyes closed.  As the tears ran down my cheeks I was afraid I would die alone that nite on my couch.  I was banned from taking advil according to the oncology nurse so essentially I was screwed.  It was probably from dehydration combined with all the poison pumped into me that day.  

So last night when I had a really bad headache in the same place on my forehead it rushed me right back to that first chemo nite.  It always does.  Each headache I have had since (and there have been many)  unwillingly takes me back to that moment.  All of the fear and even some tears.  The flashback got worse when I took advil and it didn't work.  So there I was on the couch with the lights low holding back tears.  I have had headaches all of my life.  This is nothing new for me.  I have even had this discussion with my oncologist who says that if it is not any different then it is nothing to worry about.  And part of me knows that and agrees with him.  But it is in these moments when all the bad memories come rushing back amongst the pain that another part of me cannot distinguish between the two.  The fear gets as intense as the pain.

I wonder if there will be a day when a headache, a sneeze, or a stomach ache won't scare the hell out of me...

Does this ever happen to you?  Do symptoms you had before cancer scare you now?  How do you deal with the fear?  How do you put it all back in perspective?

I'm Sitting And I Can't Get Up. . .

That was what I spent most of this morning screaming to myself inside my head when I jumped off of the couch and felt a stabbing pain shoot down my right leg. As my right leg longed to buckle under me I thought to myself "Dear God just don't let me hit the floor!" And luckily I didn't. I grabbed the wall edge as my dog ran over and stared at me with a furrowed look on his face. He certainly was not going to be of any help to me. I was all alone. Somehow though I was able to hobble over to my couch to sit. Then the fear washed over me and tears ran streaming from my eyes. I felt frightened and sad.

I suddenly flashed back to when I was sick. To when I had cancer. I thought about how bad I felt in the hospital after cancer surgery being unable to walk on my own. I thought about having to sit on a shower chair and needing help to wash myself. And then I thought about being stuck on the couch after my first chemo treatment with a headache so bad I hoped I wouldn't die that night. I was all alone. The lonliness became palpable once again. And although I was thankful that this was nowhere near as bad it was enough to bring those sucky memories rushing back.

So I cried. And then cried some more. So much that I thought I would never stop. As I sat there on the couch I noticed the pain in my back was gone but I must have been crying over the pain in my heart. Crying over the fear. And it just snowballed from there.

As I sit here and write this I am feeling better. Partly thanks to Advil. And I am sure my crying fit did nothing to help the stress in my back muscles. I hate feeling this way. I haven't yet figured out how to handle the associated reactions better...

Have you ever experienced a flashback similar to this? How did you react? How did you handle the emotion?

Associated Reactions. . . Ever Have 'Em??

In my recent post on how smells affected our memory I neglected to write about my associated reaction with the Metro North Train to NYC.  Since surviving cancer my love of NYC has been somewhat tainted.  I had all of my surgery, treatment, and followup visits at Sloan Kettering in the city.  I feel very grateful to have found doctors I love at such a great hospital.  But all the trips into the city for chemo, and multiple train rides to followup tests and the like now tend to make me sick.  And I mean that literally.

Whenever I take the train to one of my doc appointments I start to fell sick from when I wake up that morning.  I feel nauseous, have a headache, and get the runs.  This happens without fail.  By the time I am boarding the train the first whiff of the pleather seats and urine sends me into a tailspin.  It reminds me of being sick, of needle sticks and  MRI machines.  So when I would hop the train to something fun in the city like going to dinner with my husband, or meeting a friend for a day of shopping the same thing would happen.  It has been so dam frustrating.  Who wants to feel sick when you are supposed to be going to have fun.  I didn't know how to tell that part of my brain that my train ride wasn't about cancer.  I theorized that the more fun things I went to the city for I would feel less of the associated reaction.  The bad experiences out weighted the good ones.

Until yesterday.  I think I finally had a breakthrough.  This past month I have had 3 trips to the city which is alot for me.  I saw a friend for dinner a couple of weeks ago, then Tuesday on my birthday and then yesterday I hopped the train by myself to meet a friend for lunch.  I woke up yesterday with trepidation hoping I wouldn't feel the headache and stomach pains.  And amazingly I didn't.  By the time I got to the train station and was boarding I happily noticed that I did not feel sick at all.  I actually felt pretty good.  No anxiety or sickness.  And that made me happy!  Finally a good train ride!  I had a great time with my friend and on the train home felt good that I have made progress.  I can only hope it continues.

Do you ever have associated reactions such as this?  Does it ever make you anxious or frustrated?  How do you deal?