Remembering Dad And Feeling Grateful To Have Made Amends . . .

Today marks the second anniversary of my father's passing. He was only 60 years old. It was pancreatic cancer. He used to tell me when I was growing up that he wouldn't live to see 65 years old. I told him to stop saying that. He never did. And then it happened.

I hate admitting this to anyone but mostly to myself. . . I stupidly thought that losing him wouldn't be as hard as it has been because we weren't that close. His drinking and depression came between us. I can tell you that this has been very tough both as a daughter and a cancer survivor. The survivor's guilt has always been with me even as I just celebrated my 9th year cancer free on 5/31 the same day as my 7th wedding anniversary to Lou. It is bittersweet to have just celebrated the other day and now feeling the pain of loss.

Here is an excerpt from my book Breastless in the City where I share our last conversation on his 60th birthday on 4/6/08 . . .

When he answered the door, I almost didn't recognize him. He had let his short crew cut grow almost as long as his beard. He had lost so much weight that his face was all sunken in. He was there alone. It was just the two of us. We sat and talked for awhile.

After some small talk, he said, "Next time around I will be a better dad."

I wasn't expecting that. I responded, "You did the best you could."

"No I didn't, I did what was best for me."

At that moment all the crap between us didn't matter. I don't remember who hugged whom first. I think it was me. As we embraced, it felt foreign and comforting at the same time. Then he said, "I love my little girl."

And I said, "I love you too."

Then the tears began and I was crying so hard I could barely stop. There were tears in his eyes too, which was a first. At that moment Dad and I had finally arrived at the place it had taken my whole life to get to and we were saying things to each other that we never had before. I don;t think either of us had planned on having that talk. It seemed to come out of nowhere, but I, for one, am glad it did . . .

Do Our Souls Know When It Is Time To Check Out??

Although I have not been following much of the Olympic Games I was sad to hear about the luger who was killed during training.  As I continued to read the article I was more stunned to hear that he told his father a few days prior that he was "scared" of the track.  It gave me chills.  It got me to thinking about Paul and his brother Louie.  It made me wonder if we know when we will be moving on from this life.  

This is a question I asked myself years ago when the accident happened.  First I thought about the conversation that Paul initiated the night before he died.  It was a discussion about what would either of us do if we lost the other.  He told me that I would be ok and move on without him.  Then I thought about how I found a small article Paul wrote about this life complete with a message for others.  It was almost prophetic.  I thought about his brother Louie when he told us how he was afraid to drive and didn't want to get his learner's permit. What 16 year old doesn't want to drive?   He waited till he was 18.  He had his learner's permit when he drove the car that killed them both that day.  Ironic. . . no??

Then I thought about how when I was a kid I learned about what kind of hospital Sloan Kettering was I actually thought to myself "What if I have to go there someday?  I wonder if it was a premonition way back when that I would get cancer?  It was the hospital where I was treated almost 9 years ago.  

I am sure this all sounds crazy to some but not to me.  I can't help but wonder if somehow our souls have knowledge of when our lives will end.  That it is something not in our conscious mind but an awareness we have that doesn't make sense at the time it may come through to our being.  My first thought when I read this story was that the fear of that track was coming from his soul's knowledge of check out time.   Paul used to tell me "Don't worry about me so much Cat. . .  when my number's up its up. . . " 

What did you think when you read this story? Do you believe in soul's? Do you think our souls have any knowledge of the future?  

My Doggie Sees Dead People. . .

When I was a kid I saw dead people in my room at nite.  I realize this may creep some people out.  I am one of those who believes in life after death.  I believe in the ability to communicate with the dead.  

This  would always happen at nite when I was in bed.  I would look through a fuzzy haze in the dark and see someone standing in my doorway.  Some were strangers to me that I would later recognize in old family photos.  Dead family members I had never met.  That truly freaked my mom out.  It never scared me back then.  The spirits would just look at me, smile, and wave.  Over the years since I have had a few occasions of seeing dead people.  One of them was Paul.  I saw him the night that he died.  To me it was his way of coming back to me to say goodbye.  I have had many readings with mediums.  I even went on a retreat with the medium John Edward just before he blew up and became untouchable.  

They say that children and animals have a greater ability to see spirits.  Partly because there is no fear there.  It is their innocence.  So it didn't surprise me one evening last week when my dog Bosco woke up and started barking at something in our living room.  I stopped what I was doing and sat silently watching him.  I didn't want to distract him.  There were no noises outside.  The room was dimly lit.  I watched his head and eyes distinctly follow something back and forth across the room.  It was as if he was watching  someone.  It didn't scare me at all.  I figured it was just one of the dead people coming by for a visit.  When my husband walked into the living room to see what all the barking was about I told him my theory.  Lou walked over by the corner of the room that our dog was staring at.  

 Jokingly Lou said "Where is he Bosco?  Over here?"  motioning his arm up in midair as if to put it around someone.   

 I watched his expression change as I asked "What is it?" 

 "Look. . . all the hair on my arm is standing up.  I just felt a chill go through me." 

"Bosco I wish you could tell us who it is."  I said finally breaking his concentration.  

I couldn't help but wonder who it was.  I have no doubt there was somebody in the room with us that nite.  This has happened many times over the past year and a half since my dad passed away.  My dad never had the chance to meet Bosco.  I like to think he comes by to play with our dog who he no doubt would have loved as much as we do.  

Do you believe in the ability to communicate with the dead?  Have you ever experienced any connection with the spirit world?  Have you ever been to a medium and received messages from loved ones who have passed on?