No Babies

When Paul and I were married he told me he wanted 5 children.  I told him he was crazy.  But at the time I remember wanting to have them too.  Not that many though maybe one or two.  I wondered if it was really what I wanted or I would have done it for him.  He loved kids.  I on the other hand was always uncomfortable around them.  Except when I was a kid myself and I used to babysit as an early teen.  

After Paul died that part of me died as well.  My life had changed so drastically, so tragically that I was unsure of who I was without him.  Unsure of what the rest of my life was meant to be.  Unsure of what I wanted.  As the years piled up in my life after Paul I started to wonder if I really wanted to have a baby.  I had a couple of friends who had this longing to be a mother.  I just never felt that myself.  I started to think that it would be ok if I never had that experience this time around.  I didn't have a ticking clock either.  

Then when cancer came a knockin, my life was again in a tailspin.  The last thing on my mind was having a family.  Hell, at the time I was still searching for the right guy.  So when my oncologist talked to me about freezing some of my eggs before my chemo began I said no.  I couldn't even think straight.  I just remember wanting to live never mind planning to bring a new life into the world.  The longing just wasn't there.  Chemo threw me into menopause at 32 years old and lessened my chances of ever having a baby.  And I am ok with that.  And as I get older I realize that I really don't want kids, I am happily married again and love just having my dog.  He is my furkid.  

I cannot imagine what a hard job it is to be a parent.  As the years go by I look back and realize how tough my parents must have had it raising two kids so young.  I don't know how the hell they did it.  But I guess like many things in life, they just did.  And I am grateful to them no matter what the circumstances or mistakes or difficulties.  

Sometimes I feel like the odd one out.  There is a lot of pressure out there to have kids when you are married and those that don't leave people wondering why.  When someone asks me if I am married the very next question out of their mouth always is "Do you have kids?"  and when my response is no they then ask "What are you waiting for?"

I am used to the funny look I get when I tell them that my husband and I don't want to have children.  Although it is most likely that cancer made that decision for me I can't help but wonder if that is why I always felt deep within my soul somewhere that in this life I wasn't meant to have that experience. 

And I am ok with that.