After Paul died that part of me died as well. My life had changed so drastically, so tragically that I was unsure of who I was without him. Unsure of what the rest of my life was meant to be. Unsure of what I wanted. As the years piled up in my life after Paul I started to wonder if I really wanted to have a baby. I had a couple of friends who had this longing to be a mother. I just never felt that myself. I started to think that it would be ok if I never had that experience this time around. I didn't have a ticking clock either.
Then when cancer came a knockin, my life was again in a tailspin. The last thing on my mind was having a family. Hell, at the time I was still searching for the right guy. So when my oncologist talked to me about freezing some of my eggs before my chemo began I said no. I couldn't even think straight. I just remember wanting to live never mind planning to bring a new life into the world. The longing just wasn't there. Chemo threw me into menopause at 32 years old and lessened my chances of ever having a baby. And I am ok with that. And as I get older I realize that I really don't want kids, I am happily married again and love just having my dog. He is my furkid.
I cannot imagine what a hard job it is to be a parent. As the years go by I look back and realize how tough my parents must have had it raising two kids so young. I don't know how the hell they did it. But I guess like many things in life, they just did. And I am grateful to them no matter what the circumstances or mistakes or difficulties.
Sometimes I feel like the odd one out. There is a lot of pressure out there to have kids when you are married and those that don't leave people wondering why. When someone asks me if I am married the very next question out of their mouth always is "Do you have kids?" and when my response is no they then ask "What are you waiting for?"
I am used to the funny look I get when I tell them that my husband and I don't want to have children. Although it is most likely that cancer made that decision for me I can't help but wonder if that is why I always felt deep within my soul somewhere that in this life I wasn't meant to have that experience.
And I am ok with that.