I'm 40!!! And I'm Still Here!!

Today as I celebrate my 40th birthday I can't help but feel relieved to finally let go of something I have been carting around in my little head for the past 8 years.  Something I wish I hadn't worried about.  Something that was said to me by a doctor I had been working with at the time.  

He was a cancer survivor too.  I thought that would fix the bad bedside manner I had so often seen him exhibit with his patients.  He asked me how my treatment was going.  At this point I was in the middle of my chemo.  Then I told him I decided to not take tamoxifen.  (Let me just say here that it was my personal decision, one that I felt was the best for me.  I am not against the use of that drug for the treatment of breast cancer.)  I explained to him my reasons and then he dropped the bomb on me.  

"If you wanna live to see 40 you better take the tamoxifen."  he said.

My stomach dropped to my knees.  It made me want to reconsider my decision.  It made me scared.  I just wanted to live.  What if I didn't because I wouldn't take that drug.  

All of that has been rolling around in my head taking up residence there for all these years since I have survived breast cancer.  With each birthday I celebrated it popped up.  I tried to ignore it but as this birthday crept up on me it was full on in my face.  I hate that I let it.  

So as I watched the clock strike midnight I thought "Well, 40, here you are and I am still  here! It felt weird and all good at the same time.  Having never thought I would make it to my 32nd birthday it feels pretty good.  

Then I thought about the voice in my head that had been there for so long.  His voice.  He is no longer here....he has since passed away.  Like so many others.  

I am still here and all I can do is make the best of the life that I have.  I need to be easier on myself, be more forgiving to myself, and have more fun!  I don't play nearly enough.  I don't want to get so caught up in the worrying.  There is just no time for that.  I hope I can take my own advice this time!

So I am off to spend the day with my husband.  Nothing crazy, just the simple things....those are what I miss the most...

How do you celebrate your birthdays?  Did you feel as though your life was shortened when you heard the words  "You have cancer" ?  How do you deal with it?

Where I've Been

Its hard to believe that October is coming to a close.  Even harder to believe that I have neglected this blog for so dam long!  So I am finally back to tell about what has been going on to keep me away.  

Around the time of my last post I came down with a crazy bad cold that kept me huddled on the couch with boxes of puffs plus for a week.  It took me about 2 more weeks to feel better.  And during all of that I was hard at work on something very exciting for my book that I cannot yet talk about but am busting at the seems to.  Sorry for the teaser ;)

I had my annual checkup with my oncologist about 2 weeks ago.   No matter how long, how many years I am a survivor I dont think I will ever go through it with ease.  I will always have some level of anxiety.  More so since my dad passed away.  So I wanted to share a story about how that went.  

I have never come to blows with any of my docs.  But this visit came close.  Maybe it is because I have become a better advocate for myself.  Or maybe I have just become more frustrated with the establishment.  First of all I had to wait over an hour in the little room with the dam gown on freezing, pacing until he finally came in.  I am sure I must have been his last patient for the day which I bet was a stressful one.  Lou was in the room with me and I sat on a chair because I couldnt stand to sit up on the examining table for that long.  When he finally came in I hit him with the sarcasm right off.  He asked me what I was doing over on the chair and I told him I thought it would make me feel less like a patient since I had to wait so long for him.  He smiled and asked me to get up on the table.  

When he asked me how I was I told him I was fine but my dad had died.  I tried to hold back the tears for as long as I could.  I can tell you it wasn't that long.  In the meanwhile though he started in on me again about getting tested for the breast cancer gene.  He and I began this conversation or rather he began it years ago.  And I told him that I was not getting tested because I know that I wouldn't do what he was recommending if I was positive.  That is to remove my ovaries and my right breast just in case, to prevent cancer.  Now he was pushing it even harder as he explained to me about the link between pancreatic and breast cancer.  Because my dad had pancreatic cancer increases that chances that my breast cancer was genetic.  When I asked him about percentages he told me it was 10 percent that I may have the gene.  Last time I checked 10 percent is pretty low on the scale and certainly not a high enough chance in my eyes.   It was like I didnt know him, for a second when he kept pressing me about getting tested.  Then I started to cry and the tears were about my dad.  When I asked him about smoking and alcoholism being predisposing factors to pancreatic cancer which I had discovered from my google research he quickly shot down my idea and rambled on again about the gene test.  

As I laid down on my back for the breast exam, tears streaming down my face he grabbed my hand looked into my eyes and said "I would be so sad if you ended up getting ovarian cancer."

WTF!  Did I hear him correctly?  Are you kidding me?  What kind of a thing is that to say.  Wow, he was really laying on the scare tactics.  It was so not like him.  As the shock wore off I looked back at him and said "Really....well, I think I would be alot sadder than you!"  And didnt even know what else to say at that point.  I just think it was  a tad bit inappropriate for him to say that.  Not the best bedside manner for the moment. 

But having said all that I want to just close with this.  I am not saying here that genetic testing is wrong, I know it has saved many lives.  What I am saying is that I just dont think it is the right thing for me.  I personally look at my recovery in a more holistic way and believe that nutrition, lifestyle, and other environmental factors can put people at risk for cancer.  I believe and have always said that each person  faced with any disease has to make the best decisions they can for themselves and their recovery. 

Have any of you been faced with a difficult decision in any area of your life that others disagreed with?  

Celebrating By The Shore...

I have kept it no secret that I am in love with the ocean.  It has always been the place I run too in times of trouble, where I go to find peace.  The sound of the waves crashing against the shore has always been calming to me.  Paul and I used to go to the beach.  First it was the Jersey shore back in the day, then we graduated to island trips when we were engaged.  He loved the water so much he might as well have been a fish!  I guess being a Pices was close enough.  

After he died I didn't make it back to an ocean for a long time.  And when I finally decided I could let go I went to the ocean  Memorial Day weekend with some friends.  Late that nite I walked down to the shore myself with his wedding ring and tossed it into the sea.  Then I cried. But then I felt a sense of letting go enough to move on.  That was a year before my cancer diagnosis.  

Yesterday was a celebration.  It was my birthday...my 39th!  I never thought I would live to see 32 and here I am at 40's door!  Instead of dreading it I look at it as a celebration of life, my life, the one I thought I would loose 7 years ago.  

My husband surprised me this birthday with a 2 nite stay in a beautiful beach cottage in Newport, RI.  It is my favorite place.  It is where he proposed to me out on the rocky shore at the ocean.  We headed out on Sunday and I was able to wake up on my birthday to the sounds of waves crashing and this time it wasn't just my good 'ol sound machine!  As I glanced out the window I thought about how lucky I was, how lucky I am to be alive.  Although I still am sad about my dad and will be for a while, I was trying to enjoy this moment given to me.  

I thought about how celebrations should happen everyday and not be reserved for the "special days".  Everyday should be special.  I am still working really hard to make that a reality in my life.  Time is so very precious and I have had to learn that lesson way to many times.  

So Lou and I spent the day just sitting on the deck under the umbrella feeling the ocean breeze blow through our hair.  As I looked out to the sea it seemed so endless.  Much like how life is endless with possibilities.  I thought about how I want to focus more on the possibilities of life rather than the losses.  I couldn't help but wonder why that is so hard.  

While we were outside we both were taken aback when we saw an older couple who were in the cottage right next door.  They appeared to be 70-80ish and they too were sitting on the deck just taking in the sights.  The man wrapped his arm around his girl and they put their heads together and smiled.  It was weird because they looked like what Lou and I could be years from now. And I am talking literally here!  As I glanced over at them I felt it was no accident that they were there.  I thought about that possibility.  Growing old with the man I love.  Although it is harder to imagine growing old since having had cancer I was looking forward to the possibility open to me.....to us.  

I thought about all I have lost, how Paul promised me we would be together for 50 years, and now tried to focus on what could be with Lou.....

It was truly a special birthday, spent with the man I love, at a place so very special to me....

Finding Comfort

I just can't believe it is already one month ago today that my dad passed away.  Time flies by so quickly and yet seems as though  it is standing still.  I have neglected many things in my life lately one being this blog.  I am sorry I have been away so long and I hope to be posting more on a regular basis.  I think it would help me sort things out.  It would give me some comfort.

So if you are wondering what I have been up to over these last few weeks....I wish I could tell you!  That sounds promising now doesn't it!  It really seems to be a blur.  Some days I am ok and then others I am in tears.  I hate feeling like this.  It is all too familiar.  The sadness, the fatigue, the anxiety, the moping around.  And yet I know I have so much to be grateful for.  But my dad is gone and I can't even fathom it yet.  It doesn't feel real yet.  I stupidly thought that because I had already lost a husband, and my grandma that it would prepare me for this loss.  But this time it is a parent, and I feel like part of my history is gone.   My dad was  absent in my life and yet so present in my mind much of the time because our relationship was so dam hard, so dysfunctional.  I spent 7 years on the couch trying to figure it all out, figure him out, figure out why it didn't work.  Why I had to keep him at 10 arm's lengths in order for me to function and have a life.  

I just feel very thankful that my dad and I had that moment on his birthday to let the past go and share a hug and hear him say the words I had missed so much from him my whole life.  My brother said to me recently in an email that "Love is always there no matter how clouded by painful memories, anger, or resentment.  Once the persons gone the stuff that wasn't important fades and what's left is what was real and always there in the first place."

I can't help but wonder though why the unimportant stuff doesn't fade while people are still alive?  Is it because we are all caught up in all the crap of life, the hurts we sustained, and the anger we feel?  I faced this dilemma when my husband was killed, then when I had cancer, and now here it is in my face again.

I have often been asked how I have survived through all that.  How did I get to where I am?  How have I moved past the pain, and fear.   I have to admit, I still feel that sometimes, I think it is only normal to.  But what I have done to help myself get through the bad stuff and still feel present, less fearful is to focus on what I love to do.  First I had to figure that out.  So I started years ago with that one question.  It was then I began to discover what was inside of me.  I focused on my writing, I started to take pictures which lead to a class in photography, and also realized that I liked crafting.  What I came to find was that all of these hobbies kept my mind in the present,  in the moment, until I lost track of the time.  It made me feel good and kept my creative mind from moving toward the fear, toward the negative.  

Something else that helps me is being surrounded by things that are familiar.  Things like routine, home, smells, music and my puppy.  There seems to be comfort in the daily routine, comfort in what we know.  I think it helps to ground us.  And I think the grounding keeps the mind from wandering to all the bad places it seems to like to go....

Hot Flashes...Not Just For Grandma Anymore

I had my first hot flash at 32. Full on menopause courtesy of chemo. I was feeling a hell of a lot older than I was. I was feeling like a dried up old lady! Thanks to cancer treatments my ovaries went on strike. For about a year. Then Flo was back.

I have to admit what I didn't miss was the mind numbing cramps, the runs, and lets not forget how many undies I would mess up. Month after month since like the age of 12. But the hot flashes! The hot flashes SUCK! And now they are back with a vengence baby. After the past few years of pretty regular cycles.

Now this is something that I can't discuss with my friends since they still get cramps to bitch
about. They don't know what it is like to be in your thirties and have a plumeting sex drive, and
be hot flashing and sweating all the time. My husband knows all too well how often I get them. The nite sweats have me trading in spooning for furiously fanning myself. Really romantic huh?!

I have lost count of how many I get each day. And as the summer approaches the warmer weather triggers them. I have found that a paper plate makes quite a good fan. All of a sudden the heat will start in my chest and travel up to my neck and face like I am on fire. I am instantly dripping wet not to mention the pounding heart. I think that is my fave part.

It is hard to feel girly when you are sweating like a man and looking like you just ran 10 miles after not doing a dam thing.

Can any of you youngins out there relate? Did cancer throw you hormones into an uproar. Have you experienced chemopause?

Anyone have any good tips for controlling these buggers?!

Body Image

Recently I had the opportunity to lecture at Gilda’s Club to other young survivors. The topic I discussed was body image and cancer. I now want to share some of it with all of you and hopefully get your input on it as well!

For most of us body image issues began way before our cancer diagnosis. I know mine sure did! I never thought my boobs were big enough, my stomach was too fat, and I never seemed to be happy with my hair. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer as a young woman my body image issues increased with intensity to say the very least.

At the top of my list of concerns then was hair loss. Yes, I put that before boob loss. My boob I could hide away under my clothes but the hair…..that was going to be dam tough to hide. I had new scars to deal with when my boob was gone, I enjoyed chemo induced menopause (full on with hot flashes, and I dried up like an old prune at 31), fatigue that felt as if my body was beat until bloody, my skin color began to look a greyish green (oh so lovely) and I was beginning to no longer recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror.

How did I deal with all that? As a young single woman clinging to the hope she wouldn’t die, how did I try to feel better about myself, about my body, my disappearing self? Well, it wasn’t easy and somedays even now it still seems like a struggle. Here are some tips I want to share to help pick yourself up during cancer treatment and beyond to try and do just that….

- Loose the scale! When I focused on my weight I only felt worse.

- Refocus your energy on healing the inside.

- Wear lipstick everyday……if no other makeup.

- Get a mani/pedicure….I had a standing weekly manicure appointment. It may have been a small thing but it really made me feel better about myself.

- The hair thing…..experiment with wigs and try to have fun. I had more than one wig just to change it up a bit. Or if you are one of those girls that rocks the bald head….you go girl!! You should feel good about yourself no matter what!

- Start to look at your new scars in a different way……my scars are now a daily reminder that I am a survivor!

Most important to remember is that at the end of the day we are all just girls with the same worries we had about our bodies before cancer smacked us in the face. Focus on what makes you who you are on the inside. Change your focus and get rid of fear. Think about what makes you feel creative and what you are passionate about. For me it was writing, photography or just taking a long walk. It was a way for me to empower myself. Fear can steal away our power. Don’t let it!

It is important to realize that you don’t have to keep up appearances. Just be yourself. Turn focus to the positives. Reach out to other cancer survivors who will know what you are going through. Who know what it is like knee deep in the sh**!

What was it that helped you feel better about you? How did you deal with your own body image crapness??

Remembering Grandma...

Six years ago today we had to say goodbye forever. I had yet another chemo treatment that week and I always wore my wig when I saw you so you wouldn’t know I was sick. Mom and I didn’t want you to worry. I felt like I had lied to you. That broke my heart. Losing you would break it even more.

I got the call from mom that morning and sobbed till there were no tears left. They said they found you dead when they went in to give you your morning medication. I hated seeing you in that nursing home. Everytime I came by to visit you begged me to take you home. I wished so much that I could do that for you. For all you did for me. For all the love I had for you.

I remember when I was a little girl you would give me a pretty cup just like yours and put a teeny bit of coffee in it with lots of milk so I could feel like a big girl drinking coffee in the afternoon with grandma. I remember all the trips to the Bronx zoo chasing after Tom as he ran way ahead of us, so far we couldn’t keep up. I remember how safe and loved I felt around you, how you always had a warm hug and a big kiss for me no matter what. It made up for all the times my parents didn’t.

I remember when you told me I would be ok after Paul died. You loved him like your own grandson. I hope you know how much he loved you. I think you did.

I miss all of your stories. I could listen for hours to you talk about growing up during the Depression, one of 10 children and your parents who were off the boat from Italy struggling to make a life for all of you. I saw you cry each time you lost a sibling wondering how you ever got through it. You outlived 8 of them and I wished you could have been the one to live forever.

I can still smell the gravy you made every Sunday. Pasta was always my favorite and still is. I loved helping you cook. It was how I learned. The first time I made your gravy you took one taste and told me exactly what was missing and by how much. I thought about how I would never be as good.

The day you died I wondered how much more I could take. I wondered how much more I would lose. We buried you on Christmas Eve. It was the second worst Christmas of my life. I had your gift wrapped but had to return it. It took awhile before I could bring myself to do that. I didn’t want to let go.

I felt guilty for all the times I didn’t come visit you. For all the things I didn’t say. For not telling you I had cancer. I wondered if you knew. Because you always seemed to know in a psychic kind of way. You were always in tuned to the spirit world. I believe that is where I get it from, my heightened awareness of the other side. Sometimes I still feel you around me or I smell your Sunday gravy somehow and I just smile knowing that you are still watching over me.

This picture was taken on Christmas Day 1999. It is my favorite of us together. Who knew it would be the last…….

Survivor's Guilt

If you are a cancer survivor then you are probably all too familiar with survivor’s guilt. I myself have felt it many times over the 6 years I have been cancer free. Each time I would hear about a coworker, friend, or anyone connected to me that didn’t make it I would wonder about myself. All those recurrence fears reared their ugly heads from the all too close by place they were hiding. All those thoughts about why I was still here flooded through me. I couldn’t help but wonder what it was that made me different and worried would I be next?

There was a coworker of mine that helped me alot when I was diagnosed. She had finished her treatment for breast cancer which included a lumpectomy, chemo (the kind where you don’t loose your hair- I tried to bargain for that and lost!) as well as tamoxifen which I did not take against my oncologist’s advice. You see, on paper she looked much better than me. Her tumor was smaller and her cancer was not invasive like mine was.

After I left that job and moved on I had gone back a couple of years later to visit and I found out from a friend that she had passed away from a recurrence of her cancer with mets. I almost couldn’t breathe. I thought about her and about her kids who would never see their mom again. I thought about how she took her tamoxifen and did all the stuff she was told but still didn’t survive the second time around. I wondered what made her different than me. I wondered why I was still here and why she had to die. I wondered when it would be my turn.

Since then I have also watched my husband’s sister die of cancer at only 27 years old. My husband’s aunt passed away a year later. This year in April my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. And the question still remains……why am I still here? My dad’s recent diagnosis has hit me like a ton of bricks. I can barely write the words let alone say them. I can’t yet fathom the idea that another of the four of us in my family has the big “C”. Like we hadn’t suffered enough with my cancer stint. Like surviving his alcoholism wasn’t bad enough. And losing my husband, and the list just goes on….

At this point I really don’t have a concrete answer to my question. All I can come up with on a higher level is that I have more work to do here. I am not done learning yet. But dam it I am gettin pretty tired!

Butter On the Side

I often wonder about all the negativity I see in people out there in the world. All of the unhappy faces. I wonder what it is that makes them so miserable. Is it an unhappy marriage they are stuck in, or abuse at home, an illness, or a devastating loss they suffered? I can’t help but wonder if maybe it isn’t any of those things. But then I think, if not, what could it be?

Case in point….today my husband and I went to our local Dunkin Donuts for a cup of Joe. When I was on line ordering our coffee and bagels I noticed a woman next to me placing her order. She specifically asked for butter “on the side”. She looked as if she had a fire under her butt and was very ansy to get out of there with her beloved bagel. I sat down and enjoyed my bagel and coffee and conversation with my hubby when after about 20 minutes that same woman came barging through the door and beelined directly for the counter where the preparation station was. She looked as if she was ready to bust some heads! As I looked at her and wondered what bug could be up her a** she was flinging her butter soaked bag in the face of some teenager bitching about how appalled she was that she just left there only to find out that her bagel was buttered when she specifically requested butter on the side. I watched her tapping her feet and glaring at this girl as if it was a life and death mistake that had just occurred. I wondered what could possibly have caused her to be such a bi*** about something like that. As if the extra butter was the worst thing that could have happened to her.

I probably would feel differently if she had been nicer about it and somewhat polite. I wonder if all the things that I have suffered through made me more tolerant and less negative. Then on the other side of the coin I suppose all I have been through could have made me like her. Made me get crazy over not getting my butter “on the side”. Although I do understand that we all have our bad days, we all get up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes but does it give us the right to take our frustrations out on innocent bystanders?

I wonder if we each have the potential to go either way when we finally dig ourselves out of immense stress whatever the kind. What do you think??

Land of the Living

I was interviewed a few months back for an article that SHAPE magazine was working on for their breast cancer issue in October. The article is about words of advice from breast cancer survivors meant to inspire others currently in the trenches. I think it is a great idea because only someone who has been down in the pit where you have been will know just how difficult it can be and how hard it is to come up out again to see the light of day.

My advice was to not be afraid to date during breast cancer treatment. I am often asked why I continued to date during my mastectomy and chemo. I have to admit that I still pose that question to myself sometimes! More so in the frame of “What the hell were you thinking?!” And for a while I truly couldn’t answer that question when someone asked me back then in the thick of it. Now 6 years later looking back I realized that I did it to hold on to what felt “normal”. It was my attempt at feeling like a normal young, single woman. It was my attempt at holding on to my place in the land of the living. I had already given up so dam much to cancer …..my breast, my hair, and quite possibly my life that I was angry it was threatening to take away so much like doing the things that I found exciting and fun. Although I was feeling pretty low about myself at times I still kept putting myself out there. I continued to work as long as I felt ok, went out with my friends, and continued to look for love online. Even though cancer and its treatments were wrecking my body, my mind and more importantly my soul were still the same. Maybe that is what helped to keep me going. Going and doing as much as I could. I figured what did I have to loose? Cancer already threatened to take away my life, so anything else seemed alot less scary.

I think it is so important to keep doing the things that make you feel like you are still alive. That make you feel that you are still living life especially when going through something as frightening as the big “C”. Being a young adult going through it can be so isolating in itself since we tend to be the forgotten ones!

Think about what it is that makes you feel good, that makes you feel connected to yourself as well as the outside world. There can be comfort in the norm, comfort in routine. Embrace those things and look outside the box to find new things to focus on. During my treatments I found that some new hobbies I had discovered before I was diagnosed like photography and reading became a way for me to cope but more importantly a way for me to feel alive. (And of course there was always the standby…..retail therapy, which on some days came in handy. Cause you know, what girl doesn’t need a new pair of shoes?!)

What are some things that make you feel like you? What are some things that you do to keep your feet firmly planted in the land of the living?

Shoes and Syncronicity

I have often felt throughout my life that there are no accidents. That things happen for a reason. We may never know what that reason is but still I believe there is one. I have had some people around me try to debunk that theory, debunk what is known as “synchronicity” but I still stand my ground. I am a true believer and there is no way anyone can shake that as I feel it in my core, feel it in my soul. I suppose if I didn’t I really don’t know where I would be today, or rather what shape I would be in emotionally given all that I have endured.

In a past blog I wrote about my first experience with I’m Too Young For This! or i2y for short. If you haven’t yet checked it out shame on you! It is a great resource for young survivors, a great place for social networking, and a place to celebrate life after cancer! Most importantly though it is where you can connect with other young people going through the same experience. The Stupid Cancer Happy Hour was beyond inspiring and just plain fun!

I made a connection that nite that I believe was very meant to be. My husband and I were feeling somewhat out of place when we first arrived that nite which is no surprise as neither of us is very assertive in social situations where we don’t know anyone. For some reason there was a girl there who arrived a short while after us, who was alone and appeared to just be wandering about. I said to my husband “I like her shoes and I am going to tell her that. It will be a good icebreaker to begin talking with her.” His response was “No way! You aren’t gonna do that. Are you?” with a puzzled look on his face. “Oh yes I am” I replied back to him wondering what it was pushing me to do this. I still dont know what made me say it. It is just so not me, I am usually too shy for that. Something inside was just pushing me at her. I waited till she was close enough to me and looked right at her and said “Hey, I like your shoes!” Surprisingly enough though it was the truth. I did like her shoes. And I am not even a shoe person. I am not one of those girls that drains her bank account on shoes. Mostly because I have issues with my feet. They aren’t the easiest feet to dress up if you know what I mean. Anyway, those five words spun her and I into a long conversation and struck up a connection between two strangers that is developing into a good friendship. I felt like I have always known her. A cancer survivor herself she understands much of how I feel which is something that is just priceless. It is something I never would have experienced if it hadn’t been for i2y.

Funny thing is we almost didn’t go that nite. I was on the fence about what I thought it would be like and feeling uncomfortable that we wouldn’t know anyone. I had never attended anything before involving other cancer survivors certainly not those in my age group mostly because I couldn’t find anything of interest that didn’t intimidate me. I never found anything like that happy hour. It was mostly physical activities for the cure which for whatever reason turned me off. Talk about not being athletic! This though was something that seemed fun and was a typical Thursday nite activity for the young crowd.

I am grateful that I attended that nite. For if it wasn’t for i2y I would never have met another young cancer survivor who is becoming a new friend. And to think….It all started with “Hey I like your shoes”.

A New Kind of Happy Hour...

Last nite my husband and I went to the Taj Lounge in NYC for the “Stupid Cancer Happy Hour”. If you aren’t familiar with the term “stupid cancer” then you probably haven’t met Matthew Zachary. Matthew is the founder of I’m Too Young For This! an organization focused on the needs of young people with cancer. Matthew knows all too well about stupid cancer….you see he is a young brain cancer survivor. His organization hosted the event, the first of its kind!

It was my first time meeting Matthew and I must say that I am in awe of his dedication and enthusiasm. It was also my first time being in a room full of young cancer survivors. It was truly a unique experience for me. For the first time in the 6 years since my diagnosis I felt a sense of belonging that had been missing for so long. I met some great people and we all had something in common…….”stupid cancer”. It is the club none of us wanted to join and yet the camaraderie is something very unique and unexplainable. We shared stories, shared smiles, laughter, and even some hugs. My husband who is not a cancer survivor but has unfortunately been affected by cancer within the family also felt his own sense of belonging. He told me that he has never been to a bar for happy hour where the people there were genuinely “happy”! He said it was hard to put his finger on exactly what “it” was but he could feel it in those around him and see it on their faces, like nothing he had ever experienced before.

Over the years since my own cancer diagnosis I have not really been involved in any fundraising, running (maybe cause I hate it), or walking for the cure. I have felt guilt about it, have wondered why I just wasn’t motivated to get involved. Then when I found out about Matthew’s organization I was suddenly drawn to it. I feel very strongly about it and will continue to spread the word. What I really love and find unique in it is that the focus is on how to help young people “live” after cancer. There are many organizations out there that focus on money for research to find a cure not that research isn’t important, it absolutely is, but what about all the people living with cancer? There are many more young people surviving that need the support of others and help to figure out how to get back to living.

Matthew Zachary has certainly begun a revolution. He has created a positive place for young people to come together and laugh in the face of cancer. Now is the time to hop on the Matthew train. I am not sure where it stops next but what I do know for sure is that it will be a fun ride!