These Dreams . . . Heartbreak That Never Goes Away

Those of you familiar with my story know that I was widowed when I was 25. It was the most horrific day of my entire life. I remember pulling up to my house that bright sunny afternoon when my gut sank to my feet as I looked at the police car waiting for me in front of my house. There was no question in my mind...he was dead. It was surreal. It was like everything I had seen in the movies. The police walk the wife into the house and carefully break the news as the she crumbles in tears on the floor. I would come to find it was a head on collision that killed him and his brother. Even as I type these words it still feels surreal all these years later. Not to get all new agey but I always worried about Paul especially when he was driving. I always wondered if it was a premonition type fear.

For years after the accident I worried about everyone I knew when they were out driving. I would call and panic if they weren't home. I began to fear everyone in my life would meet the same fate. And I would wait for the call from the hospital or to see a police cruiser pull up at my house. When I first met my husband Lou 8 years ago truth be told part of me did worry about him. How could I not? That fear had become etched in a deep part of my soul. But as the years had gone by I became less fearful of losing him. And thought I had beaten that fear up until the other day when he was late getting home. Lou will always call me to let me know that he will be late. I know the exact time to expect him home. I feel a sense of relief when I hear the diesel engine of his truck as it pulls into our driveway. So the other day when it was half past five and there was no call nor sign of him I felt a little pinch in my gut. It certainly wasn't full on panic but it had crept into my thoughts with things like "I couldn't survive this again." A few minutes later my phone rang and it was him. Calmness washed over me. He was ok.

I thought the fear was gone. That is until my dream that very same night. All I remember was being in our house wondering where Lou was because he was late getting home. I was pacing the floors in our bedroom. I heard the door open. I smiled and rushed out to see him. I could feel my heart sink when I saw two police officers sitting at my kitchen table. They were in full uniform including their hats. I locked eyes with them as they were staring at me quiet. The next thing I remember was screaming "NO" and I woke up screaming at that moment. I couldn't believe it. There was no mystery to the meaning of that dream. And even 15 years later the fear came busting out from my mind in a dream.

Have you ever experienced something that remained with you and still affected you years later? Do you experience your deepest fears in any dreams? What is the most significant dream you ever had?

Miss Independent

I often wonder if the circumstances of my life made me very independent or I was born that way.  The classic nature vs nurture debate.  I however take it to the extreme and at times can be so independent that I refuse others help or get angry at the offer.  That of course depends on what state of mind I am in at the time.  The weaker I feel the less I want the help.

During my first marriage and the years of our relationship before the wedding I was very dependent on Paul.    Mostly emotionally.  I didn't realize it at the time but I almost lost myself in him.  My self-esteem was so low that I depended on his view of me to help me feel better about myself.  Of course I didn't realize any of this until years later after he was gone.  During that first year of my widowhood I went to the other extreme.  I didn't want help from anyone certainly not my family.  I was depressed, angry and so dam sad.  It was like I wanted to prove to myself that I could survive.  That was it...I totally fell into survival mode.  My dad was the one who came around the most when Paul died.  And at the time I resented it.  I didn't want anyone's help.  Least of all him.  

And then came cancer.  7 years later when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I was still single living alone.  I instantly jumped back in to survival mode.  I was yet again angry and terrified.  I wanted to prove to myself I could somehow survive on my own.  My dad once again stepped up to the plate and was instantly in my face wanting to do everything to help me.  From spending everyday in the hospital with me and wanting to move in with me when I was discharged home.  I told him no.  I wanted to struggle and survive on my own.  I often wonder if we had not had such a difficult relationship if my reaction to his offer would have been different.  Of course there were times that I wished I had help but I only wanted the help of the husband I had lost.  And then was angry at him all over again for leaving me.  

Why do I go to such extremes?  Even today, cancer free, married to a wonderful man and I still have a tough time with having support or help when I need it.  Is it that I feel undeserving of it or that I want to prove to myself I don't need it?  Sometimes I think that it is part of me heading back into that survival mode for when the other shoe drops....

During the tough times in your life did you welcome help from others or go into super independent mode?  How did you react when others offered help?  Did you ever ask for help during those times?

Young Adult Widows

Tomorrow will be the 15th anniversary of my first husband's death and although it is something I typically don't write about on this blog I think it is an important topic to discuss. Especially for young adults that experience that type of loss. Even though the circumstances of the death may be different the emotional experiences can be similar.

So I am sharing the link to a blog post over at Everything Changes. My friend Kairol Rosenthal who is a fellow young adult cancer survivor and the author of Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide to Cancer in Your 20'2 and 30's had a guest blogger write about her experience as a young widow who lost her spouse to cancer. If you haven't read Kairol's blog check it out today! She writes about all kinds of topics that young adult cancer survivors deal ranging from handling health insurance woes all the way to taboo topics such as sex during cancer treatment. This particular post sparked a really interesting conversation on this topic.

Here is the link to the post Mourning As A Young Adult.

Have you ever experienced the loss of a spouse at a young age? How did you handle it? What is the most significant loss you have suffered?