Sunday, November 30, 2008

Top of the World

I remember when you seemed larger than life to me.  You were the one who took care of everything, the one who put food on the table, who worked hard everyday.  When I was little I had yet to discover all the trouble in our house.  All the bad stuff caused by you.  

As I drove over the Tappan Zee Bridge the other day you popped into my head.   I was approaching mid span staring at the little flashing red lights at the very top when tears began to well up in my eyes.  I could almost hear your voice say "Breaker 1-9, I am at the top of the world.  Over." with the country twang you forced over your Bronx accent when talking on your CB.  And just like that, there I was sitting next to you in the front seat of your '79 maroon Volkswagon Rabbit as we headed over that bridge to pick up Grandma for the weekend.   When I looked at you all I saw was my dad.  It would be years before I would realized you were a drunk.  And even more years until I would accept it.  

You loved that dam CB and the huge antenna that popped onto the rear bumper of the Rabbit.  You brought it in the house at night so you could keep on talking with all the truck drivers on channel 19.  You were the Amoco Man, and I was Rosebud Marie.  I felt special.  It was one of the very few good memories I have of time spent with you as a child.   
As I crossed over the top of the world heading toward the tolls the tears continued to fall and I missed you all over again.

Monday, November 24, 2008


As I stepped out of the shower I grabbed my towel.  I stood and faced the mirror.  With the towel wrapped around me I picked up my hairbrush and slowly ran it through my soaked hair.  I let the towel drop off of my shoulders and pinned it under my arms to hold it up.  No one would know I thought to myself as I quickly glanced at their shape under the towel, one bigger than the other.  Just as I lifted my right arm up to run my fingers through my hair that side of the towel slid down.  Through my blurred vision I was struck, stopped for a second that felt like an hour.  I began to stare at its perfect shape,  its perkiness, and the healthy pink shade of the nipple.  I thought about how I missed having two that looked the same, two that were healthy, two that I could feel.  I  wondered how it became the one I would always worry about.  

It has been over 7 years and this moment surprised me.  It was like for that short moment I could pretend I was whole.  I could remember what they looked like.  I never took a photo of them before surgery.  I thought about it.  Now I wish I had.  So I could always be reminded of  my reflection.  The reflection of how I used to be.   

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Clutter Bug

 As I look around my house I realize that I am weighed down in clutter.  Not just physically but emotionally as well.  I feel like when my mind is messed up having a mess around me doesnt help.  It actually makes it worse.  The clutter around here is mostly mine.  I am married to a very neat person.  I wish I could be that neat, that organized.  I never have been so why start now.  But I wish I could.  I always have the pile of paper on the kitchen table that moves from there to the coffee table and eventually back to the desk in the spare room.  Clothes hang in my closet and take up space in my dresser that never see the light of day.  I recently bought some new clothes for winter and realized there was no where to put them!  

I feel like the clutter build up around me is reflective of what goes on in my mind sometimes.  Lately I feel like my mind is cluttered.  I wonder why it is so hard to start to organize, to declutter.  I have been through this before.  And once I actually start to get rid of it and clean out the space it feel soooo good when it is done.  But, to pick up the first piece of paper and put it in the shredder is like lifting a huge weight for me.  Yes, I have a paper disorder too!  

So last nite Lou and I purged our closets and made space for new clothes to actually wear.  I have many bags of clothes to bring to good will.  I certainly am better with him helping me.  Its like he is my jump start.  I wonder why I need that so much.  I am hoping to continue the momentum he started and get more organized.  I know it will feel better around me if I can push through it.  

Any other clutter bugs out there? I need help!  :)