Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Just the other day I was listening to the radio driving along in my car and the song "Say What You Need to Say"  by Jon Mayer came on.  Now I am not a Jon Mayer fan but this song speaks to me.  Although I haven't yet seen the movie "Bucket List"  I know what the premise is and this song is so very fitting.  

As I listened to the words I practically knew by heart I couldn't help but tear up.  I am pretty weepy these days.  Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.  Some believe that tears show our emotion and are better to get out than to stuff in.  I spent most of my life stuffing them in which I do believe in part had a huge effect on my health (that is a topic for another blog).  

With each word the tears streamed down my cheeks as I pulled up to a stop light hoping that they wouldn't cloud my vision.  I thought about what I didn't have the chance to say to Paul.  I didn't get to say "I love you"  before he left that day.  Had I known that it was the last time I would see him it would have been a no brainer.  But I didn't.  What we did say was stupid shit about who would take out the garbage.  I lived for so many years after he died with anger at myself that I didn't say what I wish I had. That I didn't say what I wanted.  I didn't say what was most important.

Now that I am faced with loss yet again I wonder if I have said all I need to say.  This time with my dad.  Pancreatic cancer is taking away his time here and although we don't know how much time is left I hope I have said what is important.  The last time I saw him was on April 4th for his 60th birthday.  I hesitated going and I hate admitting that to anyone, mostly myself.  I have struggled so much and spent many years on the couch to deal with our relationship or lack there of.  Having an alcoholic for a father was not in the plan but we don't get to choose.  I have come to realize though through his illness, through my loss, and my own bout with cancer that which is most important.  So I went for that birthday visit.  It was difficult, sad, disturbing but I was able to say what I needed to say and so did he.  I don't think either of us had planned it that way but I for one am glad for that at least.  Things that  we never said, things we never did.  

He said   "Next time around I will be a better dad"  
I said   "You did the best you could"
He said   "No I didn't, I did what was best for me"

I don't really remember what happened directly after that.  All I remember was thinking how much I will miss him.  At that moment all the crap between us didn't matter.  What did matter was making amends.  (so 12 step of me to say.  Too much al-anon)

I don't remember who hugged first, I think it was me. 

He said  "I love my little girl"
I said  "I love you too"

As I hugged him, it felt foreign and comforting at the same time.  A place it took us my whole life to get to I thought to myself as the tears began again, tears I could barely stop.  I saw them in his eyes too, a place they never were....at least not in front of me.

I hate that these days I am waiting for "the call".  The one I will get from his wife.  The one I will never be ready to answer.  The one I dread.  But at least I know that we said it all.....and that will be of some comfort to me.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Sex and the City Countdown!!

I can't even tell you how freakin excited I am about seeing this movie!  I have watched the preview on youtube so many times I could probably recite the dialogue by now!  I watch the reruns constantly every nite whatever channel I find them on.  I am totally addicted...its true!  

Now I don't know about you but I was so happy with how they ended the series.  I was literally jumping up and down when Carrie and Big finally ended up together.  They were always so meant for each other.  I can't help but wonder though what is in store for them in the movie?  Hmmmm....

In the preview it looks as though Carrie gets dumped and they never make it to the alter.  Or maybe it is one of those "dream sequences" that I keep hearing about? 

 Miranda and Steve seem as though they may be dealing with infidelity from the scene they showed.  I think they make a great couple. 

 And our sexed up friend Samantha seems to have a wandering eye?  How can that be with all she went through with that hottie of hers...Smith?  Being a breast cancer survivor myself I totally related to that storyline with Samantha's breast cancer diagnosis.  And I give serious kudos to the writers for such an accurate, brilliant, and irreverant depiction of her experience. My fav scene is when Smith comes home in the middle of the night after he had sent Samantha the flowers with that sweet note "I can't wait for spring"  and wakes her up to tell her he loves her.  I get goose bumps even now when I watch that scene!

It is probably no secret that the title of my breast cancer memoir was inspired by SATC!

If you haven't already hop on over to YouTube and watch this preview.  Let me know what you guys think!  

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Hot Flashes...Not Just For Grandma Anymore

I had my first hot flash at 32. Full on menopause courtesy of chemo. I was feeling a hell of a lot older than I was. I was feeling like a dried up old lady! Thanks to cancer treatments my ovaries went on strike. For about a year. Then Flo was back.
I have to admit what I didn't miss was the mind numbing cramps, the runs, and lets not forget how many undies I would mess up. Month after month since like the age of 12. But the hot flashes! The hot flashes SUCK! And now they are back with a vengence baby. After the past few years of pretty regular cycles.

Now this is something that I can't discuss with my friends since they still get cramps to bitch
about. They don't know what it is like to be in your thirties and have a plumeting sex drive, and
be hot flashing and sweating all the time. My husband knows all too well how often I get them. The nite sweats have me trading in spooning for furiously fanning myself. Really romantic huh?!

I have lost count of how many I get each day. And as the summer approaches the warmer weather triggers them. I have found that a paper plate makes quite a good fan. All of a sudden the heat will start in my chest and travel up to my neck and face like I am on fire. I am instantly dripping wet not to mention the pounding heart. I think that is my fave part.
It is hard to feel girly when you are sweating like a man and looking like you just ran 10 miles after not doing a dam thing.

Can any of you youngins out there relate? Did cancer throw you hormones into an uproar. Have you experienced chemopause?

Anyone have any good tips for controlling these buggers?!

Friday, May 2, 2008

Bra Zero

I remember when bra shopping was fun. I remember when it made me feel sexy. I remember when it became a chore.

That happened when I lost my boob. And although they built me a brand spankin new one I was now lopsided. Yeah, I know they say that all women have one boob smaller/larger than the other but still. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to be a girl.

It seemed as though once I lost my boob Victoria’s Secret catalogs showed up everywhere I turned. That those dam bra commercials were on some crazy rotation on every channel I surfed through. Don’t even get me started on shopping in that store or any for that matter. I swear I must have tried on every bra known to man. Every brand, every size, every type. One thing I have realized… I live in an underwire world. All I wanted was a bra without wire. I had no clue it would be near impossible. And if I did in fact hit the bra lotto happening to stumble upon one you could be sure it wasn’t a pretty, girly, one.

Now, back in the day I was a big fan of underwire. It was all I wore. I found it pretty comfortable until I tried to shove a newly reconstructed boob into one. My plastic surgeon practically dared me to try it. I laughed wondering “how hard could it be?” I had done it before right? Well, I was in a for a rude awakening. Initially I had settled into the sporty type, which I must admit were sooo comfortable but quite unflattering. I found I had traded the lopsidedness for flatchested and bound. So I lived in those for quite a while as I became increasingly pissed off at my inability to find myself a nice girly bra. Each time I looked in the mirror at my scars, and a newly built headlight that was forever “on” I wondered why it had to be so dam hard to find something to at least make me look nice from the outside….something to hide all that and still make me feel pretty. Sexy even.

As I stroll through VS now I look around at all these tweens doing their own bra shopping wondering how could it be possible that at such a young age it warrants sexy lacy underwire bra’s? You know…the ones I can no longer wear in my 30’s. I remember being that age having my mom pretty much pick those out for me, not that there was much of a selection back then where we shopped. Jealous much?! Not only was I feeling unattractive and ugly, I was feeling dam old!

Not to worry….all this ranting will end on a good note. Where I was heading with all this is that I FINALLY found a one! And it fit all my requirements with a bonus. No wire, with padding (to cover the headlight that never shuts off) and drumroll please……LACE!! I wanted to cry I was so happy. Thank You Calvin Klein!

But you know what happens next right? It is sure to be discontinued! LOL