As I hung up the phone last nite I felt drained. Like the life was literally sucked right out of me. I felt angry, sad, and guilty all at the same time. Is that possible? To have so many feelings all at once. Is it possible to be so mad at yourself for not speaking up and just taking sh** that you could scream?
My whole life I have struggled in our relationship, I have struggled with my feelings for you. Love and hate intertwined together with me unable to untie the knot. When I was a little girl all I longed to do was make you happy, make you proud of me. I tried and tried. Tried to be good, and polite, and always do what I was told. I feared you. The alcohol always won. I could never beat it. It had taken over you, taken over our lives.
It has taken me many years to forgive. And now that you have cancer, now that you are dying, the little girl inside is trying to figure out how to save you. She is trying to figure out how to make you happy if even for a minute. But again you are lost. Lost in your own hell. The hell you have created for yourself. I have realized that this is your path, your journey, one that I cannot lay out for you nor can I get in the way.
I called you last nite to talk for a while but as usual I barely did any talking. I listened to your complaints feeling guilty because of the cancer. Maybe that is why I listened for so long. For 2 hours. Maybe that is why I felt selfish. Selfish for wanting you to ask me how I was doing. Instead I became your bitching board again.
Just because you have cancer doesn’t mean that I will put myself out in the line of fire. It is called self preservation and it is what I have to do for me.
I am not strong enough….the board is beginning to break……