What I Should've Said...

What I should’ve said was “I love you” before you walked out the door. If only I had known it would be the last time I would see you. If only I had known that was my last chance. You were not yourself that morning. The spooning didn’t linger too long and you jumped up out of bed almost as fast as toast popping up when its ready. When I came downstairs to say goodbye I took in the image of you sitting on the couch wearing your favorite Giants baseball cap as you tied your high top sneakers. I asked if you were ok. You snapped back at me, something you just never did. It made me feel uneasy. I wondered what was wrong. I wanted to fix it. I always wanted to fix things then.

Your last words to me were “Hey Cat, can you at least take out the garbage for me today?” Cat was one of the many pet names you gave me. I told you that I would and looked at you wondering what I did wrong. I wondered why we didn’t say “I love you” to each other before you jetted out the door in a huff. I took those things for granted then. I took you for granted. For years I lived with many regrets, that was one of them.

Later on that day I would have the chance to see you again but it would be in the morgue. Then it would be your coffin. Then I would never see you again.

Today I am remarried and I never want to live with regrets. None of us knows what the future will bring. Every morning Lou leaves for work I always say “I love you”. And he always says it back. Then we hug before he walks out the door. I hope he will always come home to me where I will be waiting for him with a big hug hello…….the hug I never got the chance to give to you that day……

And sometimes I can still feel you hug me from heaven……