I'm 40!!! And I'm Still Here!!

Today as I celebrate my 40th birthday I can't help but feel relieved to finally let go of something I have been carting around in my little head for the past 8 years.  Something I wish I hadn't worried about.  Something that was said to me by a doctor I had been working with at the time.  

He was a cancer survivor too.  I thought that would fix the bad bedside manner I had so often seen him exhibit with his patients.  He asked me how my treatment was going.  At this point I was in the middle of my chemo.  Then I told him I decided to not take tamoxifen.  (Let me just say here that it was my personal decision, one that I felt was the best for me.  I am not against the use of that drug for the treatment of breast cancer.)  I explained to him my reasons and then he dropped the bomb on me.  

"If you wanna live to see 40 you better take the tamoxifen."  he said.

My stomach dropped to my knees.  It made me want to reconsider my decision.  It made me scared.  I just wanted to live.  What if I didn't because I wouldn't take that drug.  

All of that has been rolling around in my head taking up residence there for all these years since I have survived breast cancer.  With each birthday I celebrated it popped up.  I tried to ignore it but as this birthday crept up on me it was full on in my face.  I hate that I let it.  

So as I watched the clock strike midnight I thought "Well, 40, here you are and I am still  here! It felt weird and all good at the same time.  Having never thought I would make it to my 32nd birthday it feels pretty good.  

Then I thought about the voice in my head that had been there for so long.  His voice.  He is no longer here....he has since passed away.  Like so many others.  

I am still here and all I can do is make the best of the life that I have.  I need to be easier on myself, be more forgiving to myself, and have more fun!  I don't play nearly enough.  I don't want to get so caught up in the worrying.  There is just no time for that.  I hope I can take my own advice this time!

So I am off to spend the day with my husband.  Nothing crazy, just the simple things....those are what I miss the most...

How do you celebrate your birthdays?  Did you feel as though your life was shortened when you heard the words  "You have cancer" ?  How do you deal with it?

Twentysomethings...Miss Being One??

I am going to age myself with this post but here goes!  As I approach my 40th birthday next month (did I just say that?!)  I can't help but reflect on my life, ponder years gone by.  A new decade is upon me.  It is both exciting and scary at the same time.  Having had cancer at 31, I was just ecstatic to see 32!.  Now I feel proud and excited to be staring 40 in the face.

I was watching the SATC Movie, for the upteenth time, the other nite and it got me to thinking about my 20's.  As I watched the opening scene where Carrie is strutting down a NYC street and passes by a four pack of twentysomething girls who appear to be mirror images of the famous foursome way back when I thought about how I wouldn't want to be in my 20's anymore.  

Despite the fact that I was widowed at 25 which I felt like nearly ruined me, what I thought about was how I felt inside as far as knowing who I was.  I had no freakin clue!  Even before I was married, before the accident took everything away from me.  I had just graduated from OT school, started my career and was engaged.  I was so in love, and so happy to be starting my life.  A life away from my parents to one with Paul.  But inside there was alot of self doubt, poor self esteem, and fear.  I had no idea where life would take me.  I hadn't yet connected with my true self.  

Today I feel like I am doing what I have always been meant to do.  Being a writer and having the opportunity to share my story are what I feel excited about doing.  I have more clarity these days, I take better care of myself,  I enjoy more of the quiet moments.  Although I have to say that I do miss going out clubbing in NYC, staying out till 5am, and sleeping most of the following day away recovering.  I enjoyed much more of a nitelife back then in my single days.  I still love music and dancing but today it is mostly done in my own living room with my dog watching me as I dance from one end of the room to the other....basking in the moment.

Do you miss your 20's?  If you could turn back the clock would you ever go back?  What do you like more about yourself now?  What do you feel has shaped you into who you are today?