Friday, July 20, 2007

Finally Getting "It"

Before cancer I really didnt think about moments. I just lived my life or what I thought was “living”. I moved along at a fast pace not taking much notice of what was going on around me. I never thought about savoring the moments I experienced. It almost felt numb. I think the numbness began when my husband died.

Over the years since his untimely death I think of him often. I think about all the things he missed and the things I miss about him. I think about how sad it is that he only lived to see the age of 26. But then I think about how much living he crammed into that short time. I longed to be like him. I wondered how he could so easily live in the moment. He taught me many things in a short time. And then cancer would teach me even more.

The rock music was vibrating the floor as well as my body last nite at the Def Leppard concert. I held onto Lou as we danced and screamed out the words to “Rock of Ages”. With every vibration I felt from the music and the energy of those around me I savored all of it. I thought about how lucky I felt to be there, how lucky I was to hear the sounds and see the sights, and feel the power in the arena. I thought about Paul as a tear fell from my eyes. I wondered what he would think, knowing how much he loved Def Leppard but never had a chance to see them live in concert. Something else I never got to share with him, something he never got to experience in his life. It felt like part of me was living it stronger because of him. I learned from his death not to take things for granted. I learned even more facing my own death.

I had a blast at the concert and can say I truly enjoyed every moment. It was like nothing else was cluttering my mind. The only thing playing in my head was the music and the only thing I felt in my heart was such gratitude and love. Love for Lou and gratitude for being alive. The worrisome banter was gone for those few hours and was replaced by the sights and sounds of the future. The hope became palpable as the fear began to fade.

For that moment anyway……

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