October Issue of SHAPE Magazine

A couple of posts ago I mentioned being interviewed for the October issue of Shape magazine. I am so very excited and honored to have been included that I had to post my quote from the article! They did a great section dedicated just to breast cancer with very helpful and inspiring information. The title of the article I am in is “The Best Breast Cancer Advice I Ever Got” written by Ginny Graves who I had the pleasure of speaking with back in April. If you haven’t picked up a copy yet grab one…..its a really good issue! Aside from being tickled pink that I am only a couple of pages away from Jaclyn Smith, I smiled when I saw Karen Lynch, writer and fellow blogger in the article as well! Hope you guys pick it up!

Butter On the Side

I often wonder about all the negativity I see in people out there in the world. All of the unhappy faces. I wonder what it is that makes them so miserable. Is it an unhappy marriage they are stuck in, or abuse at home, an illness, or a devastating loss they suffered? I can’t help but wonder if maybe it isn’t any of those things. But then I think, if not, what could it be?

Case in point….today my husband and I went to our local Dunkin Donuts for a cup of Joe. When I was on line ordering our coffee and bagels I noticed a woman next to me placing her order. She specifically asked for butter “on the side”. She looked as if she had a fire under her butt and was very ansy to get out of there with her beloved bagel. I sat down and enjoyed my bagel and coffee and conversation with my hubby when after about 20 minutes that same woman came barging through the door and beelined directly for the counter where the preparation station was. She looked as if she was ready to bust some heads! As I looked at her and wondered what bug could be up her a** she was flinging her butter soaked bag in the face of some teenager bitching about how appalled she was that she just left there only to find out that her bagel was buttered when she specifically requested butter on the side. I watched her tapping her feet and glaring at this girl as if it was a life and death mistake that had just occurred. I wondered what could possibly have caused her to be such a bi*** about something like that. As if the extra butter was the worst thing that could have happened to her.

I probably would feel differently if she had been nicer about it and somewhat polite. I wonder if all the things that I have suffered through made me more tolerant and less negative. Then on the other side of the coin I suppose all I have been through could have made me like her. Made me get crazy over not getting my butter “on the side”. Although I do understand that we all have our bad days, we all get up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes but does it give us the right to take our frustrations out on innocent bystanders?

I wonder if we each have the potential to go either way when we finally dig ourselves out of immense stress whatever the kind. What do you think??

Land of the Living

I was interviewed a few months back for an article that SHAPE magazine was working on for their breast cancer issue in October. The article is about words of advice from breast cancer survivors meant to inspire others currently in the trenches. I think it is a great idea because only someone who has been down in the pit where you have been will know just how difficult it can be and how hard it is to come up out again to see the light of day.

My advice was to not be afraid to date during breast cancer treatment. I am often asked why I continued to date during my mastectomy and chemo. I have to admit that I still pose that question to myself sometimes! More so in the frame of “What the hell were you thinking?!” And for a while I truly couldn’t answer that question when someone asked me back then in the thick of it. Now 6 years later looking back I realized that I did it to hold on to what felt “normal”. It was my attempt at feeling like a normal young, single woman. It was my attempt at holding on to my place in the land of the living. I had already given up so dam much to cancer …..my breast, my hair, and quite possibly my life that I was angry it was threatening to take away so much like doing the things that I found exciting and fun. Although I was feeling pretty low about myself at times I still kept putting myself out there. I continued to work as long as I felt ok, went out with my friends, and continued to look for love online. Even though cancer and its treatments were wrecking my body, my mind and more importantly my soul were still the same. Maybe that is what helped to keep me going. Going and doing as much as I could. I figured what did I have to loose? Cancer already threatened to take away my life, so anything else seemed alot less scary.

I think it is so important to keep doing the things that make you feel like you are still alive. That make you feel that you are still living life especially when going through something as frightening as the big “C”. Being a young adult going through it can be so isolating in itself since we tend to be the forgotten ones!

Think about what it is that makes you feel good, that makes you feel connected to yourself as well as the outside world. There can be comfort in the norm, comfort in routine. Embrace those things and look outside the box to find new things to focus on. During my treatments I found that some new hobbies I had discovered before I was diagnosed like photography and reading became a way for me to cope but more importantly a way for me to feel alive. (And of course there was always the standby…..retail therapy, which on some days came in handy. Cause you know, what girl doesn’t need a new pair of shoes?!)

What are some things that make you feel like you? What are some things that you do to keep your feet firmly planted in the land of the living?

Life In Fast Forward

I don’t recall just when this began to bother me or what exact time of year it makes me more crazy. Maybe it is when the summer is coming to an end and fall is just around the corner or rather my least favorite season, winter. Maybe because I am more of a spring into summer girl loving the time of year when the days are getting warmer and longer.

I noticed it about a month ago. My husband and I were in our local grocery store and I stopped dead in my tracks. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw bags of candy corn on the store shelf. As my head nearly spun in a 360 I saw the entire display of HALLOWEEN CANDY! Before my husband could stop me I quickly grabbed a bag of the candy corn and tossed it angrily down to the floor. My husband laughed knowing that this usually happens with the changing of holidays and seasons. I can no longer control my rage over how people are riding on the fast forward button. Good thing he wasnt with me when I saw Christmas ornaments in the Hallmark store the other day! I had to do a double take and then run and find a dam calendar to remind myself it was still the beginning of September, a whole 4 months till Christmas!!

I think my rage may have gotten worse after going through cancer. When faced with death was when I finally realized it may be time to stop and smell the roses. (which I still have a hard time doing!) I don’t understand why people are in such a rush. A rush to get to the next big thing. The next holiday, the next day, the next month and the next birthday (well, maybe that depends on your age). What is it that makes us that way? Is it that we just don’t appreciate what is right in front of us that we keep speeding forward to find something better? Is it only when u are truly happy with yourself that you are able to finally put the brakes on? That you are finally able to hit the stop button?

Its something to think about. We all need to hit that stop button, or at least hit pause sometimes…..before someone or rather something does it for us……

My Furry Anxiety Pill

His name is Bosco and he has saved me on more than one occasion. Saved my mind that is. Last night I had another one of my panic attacks. I am sure just about everyone is familiar with that term and if you are not consider yourself lucky! When it first happened I didn’t even know what it was. I didn’t know why my heart was racing, palpitating, why my hands and feet felt numb, and I felt as though I was not present in the room any longer. Over the years that have passed since my first time (no not the good kind…) I have learned to notice the symptoms more readily which has enabled me to engage my grounding strategies so to speak.

One of those is my pug, Bosco. My furry little friend is almost like taking a xanax, or paxil without the nasty side effects! During a really bad panic attack one day a couple of years ago I didn’t know what to do with myself, I began my usual pacing and pulling at my hair, and mumbling to myself with my heart pounding in my chest. I happened to glance over at him and with his cute little sad expression (which he has most of the time btw!) I noticed he was watching me. I think pets always sense when we aren’t right. They can be very in tune to our energy good or bad. This time it was my bad. I don’t know what made me do it but somehow I was able to go over and scoop him up into my arms. Instantly as I felt his warmth, smelled the puppy smell, and felt his fur against my face I began to calm down. It was as though he was sucking all the crazy energy flowing through my body at that moment. I began to pace with him as he looked as though he were on a ride a the park, looking all around, up and down, but when he would look my way, I melted.

When I was sick with cancer Bosco would have made the perfect companion. He is my first pet ever and I don’t know what I did without him. I wish he had been with me when I was all alone after Paul was killed, and then when I was diagnosed with cancer, spending a year of my life as a sick person. But somehow I made it through on my own. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit sometimes for what we are able to survive.

I have to say though, I am so grateful he is a part of my life now…..I only wish it could be forever….

How have your pets helped you out of a jam???

Passing of Time

Waiting for tomorrow
But what if it never comes
The moment is now
But what if it is never to be
The minute has passed
We are running out of time
Life is not timeless
As quickly as it runs
As quickly as we can go
Pick up your feet and get carried away
To places you never dreamed you’d go……..

Shoes and Syncronicity

I have often felt throughout my life that there are no accidents. That things happen for a reason. We may never know what that reason is but still I believe there is one. I have had some people around me try to debunk that theory, debunk what is known as “synchronicity” but I still stand my ground. I am a true believer and there is no way anyone can shake that as I feel it in my core, feel it in my soul. I suppose if I didn’t I really don’t know where I would be today, or rather what shape I would be in emotionally given all that I have endured.

In a past blog I wrote about my first experience with I’m Too Young For This! or i2y for short. If you haven’t yet checked it out shame on you! It is a great resource for young survivors, a great place for social networking, and a place to celebrate life after cancer! Most importantly though it is where you can connect with other young people going through the same experience. The Stupid Cancer Happy Hour was beyond inspiring and just plain fun!

I made a connection that nite that I believe was very meant to be. My husband and I were feeling somewhat out of place when we first arrived that nite which is no surprise as neither of us is very assertive in social situations where we don’t know anyone. For some reason there was a girl there who arrived a short while after us, who was alone and appeared to just be wandering about. I said to my husband “I like her shoes and I am going to tell her that. It will be a good icebreaker to begin talking with her.” His response was “No way! You aren’t gonna do that. Are you?” with a puzzled look on his face. “Oh yes I am” I replied back to him wondering what it was pushing me to do this. I still dont know what made me say it. It is just so not me, I am usually too shy for that. Something inside was just pushing me at her. I waited till she was close enough to me and looked right at her and said “Hey, I like your shoes!” Surprisingly enough though it was the truth. I did like her shoes. And I am not even a shoe person. I am not one of those girls that drains her bank account on shoes. Mostly because I have issues with my feet. They aren’t the easiest feet to dress up if you know what I mean. Anyway, those five words spun her and I into a long conversation and struck up a connection between two strangers that is developing into a good friendship. I felt like I have always known her. A cancer survivor herself she understands much of how I feel which is something that is just priceless. It is something I never would have experienced if it hadn’t been for i2y.

Funny thing is we almost didn’t go that nite. I was on the fence about what I thought it would be like and feeling uncomfortable that we wouldn’t know anyone. I had never attended anything before involving other cancer survivors certainly not those in my age group mostly because I couldn’t find anything of interest that didn’t intimidate me. I never found anything like that happy hour. It was mostly physical activities for the cure which for whatever reason turned me off. Talk about not being athletic! This though was something that seemed fun and was a typical Thursday nite activity for the young crowd.

I am grateful that I attended that nite. For if it wasn’t for i2y I would never have met another young cancer survivor who is becoming a new friend. And to think….It all started with “Hey I like your shoes”.